The Latest From Patti

Light at the End of the Tunnel

2011-08-02T14:19:00.000-07:00

Our struggling in Santa Fe may be nearing an end.

After trying to avoid returning to the school systems, that's exactly what we're in the process of doing. Cameron took up substituting in the city schools a few months before the school year ended. During that time, he received training for a summer school science program. After meeting with the director of the program, the first day, he was reassigned to work with him to compose a soundtrack for a commercial instructional video, featuring the director. If you have ever seen Bill Nigh The Science Guy, it is along those lines. It was an intense 2 weeks of solid composing and meetings with the director, but the end product was fantastic.

He has been watching for a music teaching position in the area, but so far, nothing has opened up. So he will return to substitute teaching when school starts. I guess I have been digging my heels in, more than he. When the whole "No Child Left Behind" fiasco was enacted, it messed up the education system more than ever. It kind of soured me on teaching, then after obtaining my master's in school counseling, I found there were few positions in the Bakersfield area school system. In much of the country, counselors were not able to use the majority of the skills they had learned, focusing on scheduling, and other such duties. That added a new frustration.

There is a national movement among the National School Counselors Association, affecting school systems throughout the US, that utilizes more of school counselors' skills and moves more of the clerical duties to other personnel. With that bright spot, I am in the process of jumping through the multitude of hoops that New Mexico has in place, in order to obtain a reciprocal school counselor license for this state. I've gotten everything in order and will be submitting my application this week. At this point, I don't see any openings with the city schools, especially since it is so close to school starting, but there may be more as the year progresses. In the meantime, I will be substitute teaching, as well.

Working at OfficeMax has been a royal pain, literally, and I just cannot do it anymore. The varying hours, the low pay, and pain I have after every shift isn't worth it. So, off we both go, back into the schools. Cameron already has a 6 month temporary position as a kindergarten teacher, yes, you read it correctly. Scenes from Kindergarten Cop come to mind, but we'll not go there.

On another note, the weather has been much different this year than last. I'm told that El Nino years are much drier than other years, like last year. It's been a windier, drier, warmer year and I'm not so sure I like it, but loved last year. Longer residents say it varies from year to year so I guess we'll see what materializes in the next one. I still love the 4 seasons, but greatly miss the ocean. Cameron and I frequently reminisce about our past motorcycle rides up to Big Sur or Morro Bay; the ocean breeze and rocky cliffs.

My daughter, Madeline, is getting married in November. I haven't seen my family in a couple of years and it will be good to see them. It sounds like they'll be staying in Bakersfield for a while as they are talking about buying a house. They sure grow up fast. I see little kids daily and each reminds me of times when she was their age. I find myself reminiscing about her a lot lately, bragging to those who will listen. I guess it's all part of the process of life, but it's taking me awhile to be comfortable with it. I turned 50 this year. Wow, seeing it in writing is a little scary. Madeline turned 21 and is getting married. All are milestones and have come faster than expected. I think seeing everything from the outside changes the perspective. Since I'm no longer physically close to family, I don't see/experience the gradual changes taking place over time. I don't know how it will be to pay a visit for the wedding. There will be people attending that I haven't seen in years. I'll be a visitor to the place I once called home.

I will post more when there is anything new.

Being Handed the Keys to my Direction

2011-06-14T21:45:00.000-07:00

The past couple of months have been laced with insanity. Fear, could'ves, should'ves, would'ves, I felt like there was nowhere to go but down in flames. I kept looking around me for some sort of answers, "Tell me what I'm supposed to do?" All I could hear was my past laughing at me, and my future hiding in a corner, terrified. The apparently sinking ship that we were riding on had taken on a lot of water and we had no idea as to how to fix the leak.

Over the past week, the wind has changed direction. The storm is over and we can see the beautiful sunrise to our east. The ship is still taking on water, but that isn't as important as catching that glimpse of sunrise. To stop, smell the sea air and take inventory of our situation.

I know, now, that even when it storms, the boat isn't going to sink and it will only take on so much water. An old soul I spoke with while the wind was dying down, showed me that all of those could've, should've, would'ves, needn't be tied to the sides of the boat. Releasing them would lighten the load and renew some of the ship's buoyancy. I'm working very hard to cut the ropes that hold them in place. Some have their own buoyancy and are tagging alongside the ship. Others have fallen into the depths of the ocean.

I find that I'm hearing seagulls and the slapping of the waves against the sides of the boat. The gulls are telling me that we are closing on land, but we just can't see it yet. My goal is to reach that land, but it will take effort to do so. I don't make plans. I just consider the path that I am traversing towards my goal-that is what the old soul taught me.

Plans suggest that you know what is going to happen, and so you set up the steps to the plans. Unfortunately, plans change and get out of control. They can make the dark clouds seem darker and the rain harder.

To have goals is to accept the changing ebb of the water, but to keep my eyes towards the direction of land. If I don't, I might miss the signs and the gulls will stop coming. I merely make small adjustments as the situation changes; changing with it, but keeping my eye watchful for more signs of land. I know it is out there, the gulls are still here, even increasing in number.

We will find land and it will have what we need to attain our next goal, and so on. All that we need to reach our goals is there to be found, but we must be vigilant and watch for the times that require us to take action and fight to keep moving in the direction of our goals.

Someday, the things that are floating alongside the boat, will slowly sink into the abyss and be forgotten. Until then, their presence sometimes haunts me and I find myself staring at them, watching them bob in the water. They are still near, but can't reach me anymore. That's a gift from the old soul, to find inner peace where the storm rages, and the same peace when it is calm, because I am safe, now, and those bobbing things are only that-bobbing things in the water.

Long Day and Thoughts About Balance

2011-04-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

Today was one of the longest I've had in a while. Nothing especially happened. It just was exhaustingly long.

Perhaps it was because yesterday and today I worked day shifts, rather than my usual evenings. I was downing energy drinks as I passed through the front doors and they did little to quell my yawning. Then, when I got off and anticipated getting some things done on my website, I got home and promptly napped for a couple of hours. It made the day feel wasted.

Normally, I have the day to take care of errands, work on business things, and a little housework. I guess I don't notice how exhausted I am from work since I just hit the sack when I get home afterwards. Unfortunately, Cameron and I are on different schedules when he works. He goes off to work as I get up to begin my day of activities, then when I am leaving for work, he has just gotten home. I'm kind of thankful he doesn't work every day, especially when my days off (usually in the middle of the week) coincide with days he only works a half day or maybe not at all.

I've been re-constructing my website and so it was down for several weeks. I've been putting a lot of time into stocking products, and deciding what of the "old" site I want to remain and what needs to go. Time and energy, as usual, are difficult things to work with when they don't agree on which will demand my being . Some days the entire day is stretched out in front of me, full of promising activity, but I haven't the energy to deal with it. Then others don't offer the time, but my head is swimming with ideas I want to implement.

It's like a balancing act. Energy on one hand, time on the other, and demands on both are sitting atop my head. I know part of the energy thing is occasional bouts of depression that seem to leak through the defenses of my medications. Time slips away when the energy is dim. Perhaps they go together so well that they both belong in the same hand, which would leave the demands in the other. Hmmm... Again, I am left with the inability to deal with the matters on one hand, without disrupting the grasp I have on the items on the other hand.

It's a good thing I like challenges, because that one's a doozie! (Haven't heard that one in a while, huh?)

Ah, what has been going on with us, as an update is long overdue.

Cameron has been busily working on a second album, his first has sold a few and a couple of stores are carrying it. It's jazz/blues/with a little something else. Unfortunately, I lack the proper musical vocabulary to come up with a word for the something else. If you would like to listen to some of his work, you can go to his reverb nation page: http://www.reverbnation.com/cameronweckerley. It's been an interesting experience watching/listening to how his ideas formulate into music, and how that music becomes a finished piece, that is then incorporated into an album with other pieces that have undergone the same transformation. I would think it's a similar process to bringing ideas to some other fruition, but this is observable. The steps, the adjustments, are exposed and the music explodes from a set of notes to so much more. Fascinating!

I find myself constantly exploding with ideas. They go down on paper and are stared at for further inspiration. A maze is in front of me that I must get through to bring idea to a reality. Some of the ideas stay nothing more than the scribbles on the paper. Many are thought through and brought to conclusion-on paper-but that balancing act makes it hard to bring them off the paper. Time + Energy < demands.

I think when a person turns 50, the "service engine light" comes on somewhere (I'll leave the location to your imagination). It's time for the 100,000 mile check up and the warranty is long gone. It's been a rough year, so far for health related issues. Removal of the kidney stone was a welcome relief. It's amazing what a little 8-9mm rock can do to your body, when it plants itself in the wrong place. I felt so much better, for about 2 weeks. Then the really nasty flu that has been going around, grabbed me by the throat and wrestled me to the ground. It took a couple of weeks to recover from that match. Next, my doctor found a mass near my right ovary. Are we having fun, yet?! More tests and a visit to a specialist next week. Everything looks benign and there are several possible treatments that can be done in office. I'll find out more next week. And let's see...it's only April. My knees are the next item on the list, after the abdominal issues are handled. Now, my knees are not a new problem. They have been an on-going issue for years, but they're getting more and more painful. Got a referral to an orthopedic dr. and orders for xrays and mri. First things first, though, let's get the other thing handled first.

OK, let's get out of the negatives. Spring has been showing it face all over town. In our apartment complex, most of the trees are beginning to sprout little green leaves. The cottonwoods have been dropping their elongated flowers all over the place. It's interesting, the longer they stay on the ground, the purplier they get. That leaves a purple stain on the sidewalks. The cottonwoods are the only tree, that I have noticed, around our complex that have not sprouted the leaf buds. The blue spruces are looking very stately and healthy, and the sweetgum are farthest along with their leaves. Of course, all over town the junipers are blooming. Few people are left unscathed by their power to invoke an allergic reaction. Red and teary eyed people are everywhere. Sneezes, sniffles, and stuffy heads abound. The business to be in would be tissue manufacturing. They fly off the shelves around here. Especially because after the junipers do their thing, lavenders and the big yellow chamisa bushes attack the already weakened systems of those of us who have plant allergies. Hail to the antihistamines and decongestants!

We went on a little motorcycle ride last weekend (I actually had a Saturday off!) up to Hyde Park. It's at a higher elevation and there were patches of slushy snow here and there. The place looked so stark, compared to the last time we were up there, which was fall. That's when the aspens change color and the hills are covered with yellow, orange and brown patches. It was a nice change and the first ride I've taken since the one last fall. It was nice to be able to spend the time together to just enjoy the scenery and the winding roads up the mountain.

Well, the nap gave me a little burst of energy, but it's now late. At least I don't report for work until 11:00am tomorrow!

Riding the H2O Train

2011-02-13T18:57:00.000-07:00

I've passed the 1 week mark, since the surgery, and am still having some discomfort. Should't I be done with all this by now, and feeling great?! Or am I just being impatient?

I chug about 4+ liters of water a day; it seems like that would be enough to irrigate every impurity from my body.

Oh well, I will try to be patient and see what the Dr. has to say at my upcoming appt.

In the meantime, job hunting continues, for both of us. Who knows where we'll be next fall? We could be set in some decent jobs, here, in Santa Fe, or off to another state. Either way, it will be nice to be in a different "place" than we have been.

There are signs of the on-coming of Spring, that I noticed while walking Tuesday this afternoon. First of all, the temperatures are beginning to climb above freezing, though there are still patches of ice and snow in shady areas. I actually saw some closed leaf buds on a couple of trees, and some little green shoots coming out of a crook in another tree. It kind of looks like the grass in some areas is making a try at coming back. Poor Tuesday hunted around the grassy areas searching for grass to eat. All she found were some semi-green blades scattered among all the brown ones.

We're pretty much ready for spring, though that tends to be a windy time and my allergies go nuts! Being able to put the big coat and boots away until next year, along with the extra warm tops and thermals, will be nice. Cameron can go back to his regular motorcycle rides with his "Hooligans" friends and I won't have to worry about slipping and falling when I cross the arroyo on the way to work. (It's like a natural drainage area that is about 7 ft. below ground level so there are slopes on both sides.) Lately, I've been taking the car since all the snow along the path has turned to ice.

I've joined a women's group called The Girlfriends of Santa Fe. It's one of the meet-up groups in the area. I've only gone to a couple of get-togethers, so far. Alot of the members are quite well off and plan things like dinner out at one of the expensive restaurants, or a museum trip, etc. I can handle the coffee-house ones and book discussions. Well, in March, one of the members is hosting a knitting and crocheting group. I tried both in elementary/jr. high, but just couldn't keep the tension even on the yarn. This sounds like a very informative and fun time. I have a friend at work who wants to go, as well I'm thinking that taking one of these up will give me some relaxation time, not to mention some new friends and social life. I'm considering another one that is being hosted by someone who is a life coach. She doing a meeting geared just for women. I could use some direction and have lots of internal junk that either needs to be tossed or organized. Perhaps my brain cloudiness will improve somewhat with the organization and focus in one direction.

Well, Tuesday is giving me "the look" and sighing, meaning it's time to go out so I'll stop here.

Lots of snow, great time to stay in bed.

2011-02-01T07:06:00.000-07:00

It's been snowing off and on since about 6pm yesterday and more is expected today and tomorrow. Normally, I'd be ecstatic about it, but I've been feeling exhausted and depressed so much these past few months.

Today, I'm working a full 8 hours. I'm not sure if I can last for that long of a shift. You see, the kidney stone that's been causing me periodic grief is being removed (actually pulverized) on Thursday. It's impact on my health over the past months has been very evident and it's time to evict the unwanted guest. The past week I've been more and more exhausted, needing a nap before I go to work in the evening. That helps tremendously.

Today and tomorrow, I open. That means being there from 8-5. At least when I work the closing shift, I can rest before going in at 4 or 5pm. I'm hoping the snow will keep customers away so they start letting people go home early. For now, there's just a feeling of dread.

I'll let you know how the whole kidney thing goes. It's out-patient, but I won't be released to go back to work until Monday.

Till then!
Patti

More Changes and Challenges Ahead

2011-01-08T22:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm taking one, loooonnggg, test. Of what subject or part of my person is being tested, I'm not sure. I just don't seem to be choosing the correct answers. At least give me some study quides to work with, or maybe the book to read, before testing me. It kind of feels unfair to be expected to know the correct answers, when the questions keep popping up as unanswerable because there was no way to study.

Our current trial is the loss of Cameron's job. They let him go a couple of days ago due to, "the elimination of his position". Thus, our household vacillates between moments of sheer panic, depression, and the quest for the elusive answer to "what's next?"

At least I still have my job, though I'm looking into making some changes for positions with a higher financial gain. Someone has offered me a part-time job caring for his mentally disabled sister a couple of days a week, at $5 more an hour than I'm currently making. Another customer at the store I work at has asked me to stop by a clothing store, downtown, that he and his wife own. He only needs someone for Sundays, but that would pay $3 more an hour than I currently make. I could, then, fill in the rest of the week with hours at my current job.

I don't make enough for us to survive here very long. My pay supplemented his, and even at that we scraped by just barely. Santa Fe has been a struggle since we moved here and it just seems like this is not the place for us.

Cameron wants to get back to his musical roots and degrees, so is applying at community colleges to teach music. A catch: most are hiring for the fall, so what do we do in between? If he were to get hired by one of the colleges, would it be better to find temporary work there, and move out of costly Santa Fe? That depends of the cost of living where he will be working. Then there's the breaking of our lease (which we had just renewed in Sept.) at a cost of 2 extra month's rent. How does one come up with moving costs and deposits at a new abode, when the old one is reaching so deeply into your empty pocket?

This compounds the stress and anxiety over what we are to do. At the moment, we are going one day at a time. Who knows what tomorrow will bring or what new information will be learned? I talk with a lot of the customers and learn about their trials and tribulations in finding "that place" where they feel they are supposed to be. That's also, how I found out about these other jobs. You can't learn without asking questions and watching the world around you go through the motions of life.

I'm trying to keep my business and podcast going, but my hours have varied so much, from week to week, it's hard to plan and I'm often too exhausted to want to deal with it. I have a very talented writer slated for my Jan. 15th show, but I haven't interviewed her yet, and will need some time to edit it. I guess I will be busy working on that on my upcoming days off, Mon. and Tues. At least the interviews are fun and I love meeting new people. It will be a nice break from this very long week (50 hours) that I'm just coming off of.

Our animals are reacting to our stress. Poor JarJar has taken to pulling out his hair on his sides. Allie seems particularly needy, and Tuesday seems confused and sad each day I leave for work, begging me to stay and snuggle with her, in bed. They are so sensitive to our moods.

I guess one of the hardest parts of all of this, at least for me, is the not knowing what we're going to be doing. I've always been the one to plan our next moves, based on what I know about where we are going or the statistics associated with a particular place. This time it's completely out of my hands. It all hinges on who will hire him. Financially, we'll be much better off, after we catch up with the bills that will follow us. I just hate the unknown. It scares me and that often triggers other emotions. I'm trying to turn that fear into anger. Anger is a great mobilizer and keeps me from turning into a puddle of anxiety and depression.

Cameron has made some very supportive friends, here. I think both are AA members and they nudge him to meetings or on motorcycle rides when they see him getting into a pattern of depression. They share their strength with him and show him sunlight when all he wants to do is stay in darkness. Wherever we go, they will be the part of Santa Fe that is missed.

It's getting late and I have to be at work tomorrow, so I need to get some sleep. Thank you for your continued support through our often insane lives. It helps to keep us moving forward.

The Up Hill Climb Just Never Ends

2010-12-09T08:54:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of my 4th week at Office Max and have gotten my first paycheck last week. That came and went down the hole left by me being out of work for 3 months. Cameron is getting paid extra for playing music for some sort of special event hosted by the BMW dealership, but, that too is going towards filling in the holes. I even had to pull money from my business account to help out during that period.

I fear our timing for "starting over" was horribly ill-timed. Santa Fe is an expensive place to live in many ways and the wages seem high to an outsider but the cost to live hear is higher than we expected. With no alternative currently in sight, we keep trudging up the hill.

Through costly trial and error, I think I have a handle on how to do business here. I've tried pushing the online sales, but haven't had the time or energy to put all the items up on the website, and have only had 2 sales from it. I tried catalog sales, but as this is the land of tomorrow, the excited customers who took my catalogs home, never followed through and now those catalogs are lost. Now, I'm going with the party circuit. I've made some fairly good sales, but still not enough to recover from the past few months. I had to purchase items for demonstrations, some rather costly, as well as all the display related items. The parties seem to be a good way to go for now. I have a captive audience and the group drive to make a purchase seems to encourage the "tomorrow" people to buy now.

One cool thing about being in this industry as an independent retailer is that I'm not tied to any particular company, thus, I can order from any one I choose. For example, I've been working with a blanket company to create an indoor waterproof blanket. They have focused on outdoor ones for years and toyed with the idea of making an indoor one but hadn't made the move. Now they are and I give direct recommendations for feel and uses and they listen! They are based just outside of Seattle and all the blankets are US made. Very high quality. Another project in the works is with a local salon that makes gift baskets for their customers and they include products like mine. Unfortunately for them, a very pretty looking line caught their eyes some time ago, but the products are not especially good to use. Now they are trying to get rid of them and want something new to offer customers. One more thing in the works is a connection with a company who makes pasties. I already carry a beautiful line of them, but in order to re-use them, you must have the proper glue. While searching for a source for the glue, I stumbled upon this company that make them and even does custom ones. They have no problem with retailers putting their own brand name on them, either. I am expecting a sample package of their work any day now.

Future plans include the Gay Pride festival in June. A huge money maker, but stock is definitely needed, especially the impulse buy kind. A friend of mine does club nights at local bars and said I could set up a table there. Items $20 and under for quick purchases will be best for that. Unfortunately, he has stopped for the winter and won't be starting up again until late spring. A woman who is a hotel concierge at one of the local places in town, recommended that I make up gift baskets that they can keep on site. Most run about $75, but if mine were nice and only in the $35 range, they would be very popular. These all require stock on hand. A big investment. Now that I'm employed again, perhaps that is a possibility, yet.

As far as my job is concerned. It's OK, but the hours are killing me. I've never understood why they have to assign different hours each week. I never know what my hours will be until Saturday afternoon, when they post the schedule for the next week. It makes planning a nightmare and the business difficult to focus on. I'm keeping my eyes open for a job with regular hours so I can make greater headway on the business and not be so exhausted all the time. (Back to back shifts should be illegal. Closing the store at close to 10pm one day and opening at 8am the next is brutal.) It takes me awhile to unwind after closing so bedtime is usually about 11pm. Not much time for anything near a relaxing night. One really cool aspect of my job is that lots of artists come to the print center to make note cards of their work or some other item. I get to see the work of many local artists and usually I can get an autographed copy of whatever they brought in. I enjoy meeting all the different people, but I have to watch my visiting, though I find them fascinating.

Caffeine is a good friend of mine these days.

Cameron is doing pretty well. For someone who is not a people person, he does amazingly well with the customers and establishing a rapport with them. He had a lot of cleaning up to do when he first started as the prior service advisor had really done his part to lower the rating on this dealership, not to mention a bit of a paperwork fiasco that took months to fix. It's been hard on him much of the time, but he keeps plugging along. Now that they know his skills as a musician, he gets to play at several of the big promotional events that are held, two of them this week. Today he'll be in Albuquerque and since I have the day off, I'll get to go and be the photographer and general support person. It should be interesting. Yesterday they had the same event up here, at the Santa Fe dealership. It's funny, they're willing to pay him decently for doing musician work, but not for the job he currently does. It's a very weird way of doing things.

I'm very excited that Madeline, my daughter, and her fiance' are coming to visit at Christmas. It will be nice to have her around for brief time she is here, not to mention being able to meet my future son-in-law. I hope we get some snow for them. It's been a very dry winter, so far. Little rain and only a very light dusting of snow on a couple of occasions. Quite a lot of wind, though. A very big difference from last year and rather disappointing. There's still lots of possible snow days so we'll hope for some in the near future.

My car is in terrible need of repairs such as tires, brakes and an oil change. All of which are way overdue and out of any perceived budget. Cameron has worked out a deal with another mechanic and friend down in Albuquerque who has an older Toyota Tercel that he has gone through and serviced every thing. It has less mileage than mine does and he wants to trade it for the engine from the crashed bike. We've hauled that thing with us through every move and I am looking forward to getting rid of it. We'll probably keep the Saturn and gradually get it up to a safer level of care, and have it as a back up vehicle. One thing that is cheap here is vehicle registration. Just a flat $45 for each vehicle, no matter how old or new it is. Much better than California's which is based on vehicle value. What that has to do with wear and tear on the roads is beyond me. Santa Fe doesn't have any emissions checks, like Albuquerque does, which is also nice.

Well, this is enough for now. I wish my spirits were better and I try my best to look to the future, but like a little kid, the present keeps tugging on me for attention.

Muscle Strain, But That, Too, Shall Pass

2010-11-23T22:56:00.000-07:00

I tend to get a little "preachy" when people talk about relationships being nothing but trouble, or the people involved seem to always have "bad luck" when it comes to marriages. I'm on my third, so I hope I've learned a thing or two along the way to this point in my life.

My first one was dead before it started. Neither one of us knew anything about what it took to have a working marriage. Let alone keeping any kind of relationship together. (Of course, it didn't help that he took his guidance from his over controlling father, but that's another story.)

My second was based on the "I can change him theory", long proven to be a bogus ploy created by people who like to torture each other.

These first experiences taught me several things, one important lesson was that it takes two people to have a relationship, more specifically, two people who want to put the sweat into it, working side by side to keep it alive and well. Relationships must be nurtured along and cared for. They can't take care of themselves, even when they are beyond their infancy they are unable to weather changing tides and blizzards without help. It sometimes takes work, that 4-lettered word that sends some people packing.

This leads me to my current, and final, marriage. This time I was lucky enough to stumble upon a man who had understood the need for constant nurturing for a marriage to last; taking classes and reading about all the different tools that can help in the maintenance of a relationship. Fortunately for me, apparently his prior mate had been lost in her own world and was unresponsive to his new-found knowledge.

A rare find, I have handled him with care because he is a gem, all by himself. No need for me to try polishing him to make him shiny or to hide him because I don't like what I see in my reflection when I'm with him. He knows the value of working on, maintaining, a relationship. We've been doing a little extra work lately. It's been a while since I've done this much work and my muscles are sore and stiff. But as with any hard work towards a common goal, the aches and pain will subside and the fruits of all this labor will shine nicely again.

There are times I really pity the woman who couldn't see the sparkle in front of her, but was distracted by other shiny things. But then, again, if she had seen it, I wouldn't be where I am today, and for that I am thankful.

Alone and All Over the Place

2010-11-21T22:18:00.000-07:00

Well, this is the first night of Cameron's visit with his family, in Tennessee. It's always the hardest. The apartment feels strangely empty, despite the 4-legged beasties that roam its rooms. I'm anxious and don't want to go the empty (OK, so the critters are there waiting for me) bed.

I'm not totally clear on this, but I think that "lone wolf" trip he was on when the accident happened, was the first time we had been apart. We even had a great time when we were stranded for a couple of weeks in northern California. We wrote and wrote together and never tired of each other's company. We've been an amazing team since we first met.

Maybe that's why it's so hard to be apart. That lack of his presence, the void created is more than just in the physical air around me. I guess we have this yin and yang thing going with us. We fulfill each other's needs without having to think about it.

Tomorrow night will be better, a little easier. The first night, though, is hard. It's like having to re-orient myself to temporarily losing use of a limb. Equilibrium is off at first and learning to move about without it takes some adjustments and confidence rebuilt.

I know this is all depressing and such, but it's the first night separation anxiety, if you need to give it a name. I know I will do better tomorrow and once asleep, I won't realize he's not there. It's taking that first step to going to sleep that's the hardest.

Well, I'll regret it if I don't turn in now. It's late and my sleep meds should make fast work of sending me off to dreamland.

Good Night!

A Day Off, From Work at Least

2010-11-18T09:32:00.000-07:00

Well, my first 2 days are past and I have today off. It's a little overwhelming at times remembering the instructions given (I now have a pad to write everything down on). I've mostly been working in the back of the store in the printing department. I like it there as I meet so many interesting people and get to do to desktop publishing, which I really enjoy. This picture was given to me by an artist who was making note cards of his latest creation:

He was very interesting, as you might have guessed, and very thankful for my assistance. We get lots of artists who com in to do the same thing or to order them professionally done. I got a copy of a beautiful photo of a small suspension bridge, which I would add to this post, but my scanner can't scan that large of a photo. The bridge is over 80 years old and still in use, though I'd be hard-pressed to drive over the thing, let alone walk it!

I'm being cross-trained so I can be used in whatever department they want me in, but I've already gotten a following of several customers that ask for me by name, back in the print area.

Since today is my day off, I have tons of things to do, so should start into them. I'm excited about the gift of this picture, received yesterday, and just wanted to share it with you. Perhaps I'll write more later today.

Quest for Sleep and the Start of a New Day

2010-11-15T07:45:00.000-07:00

I have terrible insomnia. Allergies don't exactly help it, when it comes to being able to breathe at night. So, lately, my pre-bedtime ritual includes my sleep medication, and a dose of allergy meds., and sometimes whatever else I can think of that might give me another hour or two of sleep. This has been going on for weeks, now.

We need to replace the air cleaner that we usually run in the bedroom at night, but that will need to wait until my first paycheck. The poor thing has given its all for me for almost 20 years. We've managed to limp it along for a few months, but it's time to let it be and not attempt to resuscitate it any more. In the meantime, I sneeze, cough, and attempt to breathe all night. There are many culprits to this condition. One is plain old dust. The other is my allergy to the cats. At first they slept at my feet and were mostly an annoyance when I wanted to shift position. Now, they are taking to sleeping right up near my head or beside my pillow. I suppose we could/should just lock the critters out of the bedroom at night, but they have grown up sleeping with Cameron, and now me, so that would be a very big issue to contend with. I don't have any problems with dog dander, so Tuesday's snuggling doesn't bother me.

On our list of pending expenditures is some furniture. Since we moved sooo much, we really trimmed down on what we have. Since, I believe, we'll be here for awhile, it's time to begin replacing some of the items left behind. Dressers for the bedroom, and a couch for the livingroom are top on the list. It's hard to dust clothes that are on shelves or open tubs. So, I think with some of these items obtained, my night time issues will be greatly reduced.

Ok, about the job. Let's see, I was hired over 2 weeks ago and set off for drug testing and a background check was to be done. Well, Friday, the manager finally called me and said everything was squared away and that I should come in today at 11:00. I'm not sure how long my shift will be or what kind of schedule I'll have, except that it's 25-30 hour a week. We'll be discussing that today. After I'm done writing this, I'm going to see if I can squeeze in a little nap, before I need to get ready. I've been awake since 3:00am and up since 4:00. More sleep would be really nice.

I have a great deal of interest being shown for having parties, but none have scheduled anything yet. So much for Santa Fe and the land of tomorrow! Once I have an idea of what my schedule will be, I'll be setting off to nail down some of those prospective party hosts to some sort of date and time. I need to get some items that really speak to the gay/lesbian crowd, as my prospective customers are of that community. I currently have a fair collection of sample items that are more generic. That's another thing to add to my list. My first party was kind of wimpy so hasn't given me much to work with, plus, I'm working with a company that makes blankets and is based in Washington. They make some incredibly soft fleece blankets that look/feel like some kind of thick, curly, lamb's wool, with one side covered in a soft, waterproof nylon. I'm considering adding those to my line of offerings-a sample is on its way. I especially like that they're US made and not by some third-world country. There is another distributor that sells a similar water-proof type blanket, but it's very much synthetic and with a somewhat tacky/porn look to it. Not to mention, they are the same price and I wouldn't be competing with my distributor over sales. It has some promise. I am continually on the look out for products that would appeal to my customers, but is different from what other, similar, businesses sell.

My podcast is doing well. I just uploaded my 8th show and the interview is with a national best-selling author, editor, speaker, and cupcake connoisseur. She's a lot of fun to talk with. One reason I do these podcasts is out of the joy of meeting new people and hearing their stories.

Well, looking at the time, I need to try to get a little more sleep before I have to start getting ready for work. I'll let you know how it goes.

I Remember Why I, Now

2010-10-30T22:43:00.000-07:00

I'm home and it's late, but at least I did make it home safely. My first Halloween party in 25 years has come and gone. I went as a veterinarian, bandaged stuffed kitty and all. At first it was fun meeting all the people, as I really didn't know anyone there. I had met a couple at a book group meeting several months ago, but it took some memory jogging on both sides. It was put on by a couple who are members of a couple of the local meet-up groups.

The costumes were the usual assortment. A couple of doctors, a ghost, a witch, a hooker, and the the hemlines went up from there. Alcohol was served and the more scantily clad bunch seemed to have had quite their share, and the volume level in the room grew exponentially each hour the evening continued. In fact they're probably still there. Drunks are irritating. There are several kinds: the sleepy ones, the angry/mean ones, the giggly ones, the sloppy ones who seem to find every surface slippery, and, of course, the loud ones. Tonight, we had a roomful of the loud ones.

My throat hurts from trying to carry on conversations with the more sober of the guests. I think this is why I haven't been to a party in all this time. They just aren't that much fun anymore. I went solo, and made quite a few business contacts, before the volume level of the room got too loud to carry on a conversation.

This was a solo event for me as Cameron is at a Navajo "Sweat Lodge" that he was invited to participate in tomorrow night. He went with a friend, by bike, and since it takes about 5-6 hours to get to Gallup from here, they opted for staying an extra night.

I'm exhausted, but I'm stalling going to bed. I'm like that when left alone. I should be dying to pour myself to that nice, soft, mattress. I spent the better part of today shopping for work clothes, specifically shoes. It's terribly hard for me to find comfortable shoes. I think I have a bone spur on the ball of one of my feet that really acts up with the wrong fit. So, anyway, I've been on my feet most of the day, then at the party. After I finish this, I should be unwound enough to get to sleep.

Oh, the work clothes are for my new job. I start sometime next week, have to wait for the drug test results and background check to be finished. I'll be working at Office Max, in the printing area. This, like that dental office job, is within walking distance. It's a little farther down the shopping center than the other, but will give me some much needed exercise.

Once I know my schedule at work, I'll need to make one for my own stuff. I've been so discombobulated from being depressed about the lack of a job. My desk is a mess, I have so much to do to prepare for my first Wild Orchid party, and have begun another potentially fun angle to my podcasts: small group discussion and interview with the author. I've found a lot of interest in this, but will have to gradually build to that. We will need to get headphones for each person (5, counting myself), a microphone holder for the one we currently have. It must have gotten lost in all the moves, and another electronic goody that I can't remember the name of. Cameron will handle the acquisition of these items. The most recent author I interviewed, which was last week, is a nationally acclaimed best selling author. So I asked her if she's ever been interviewed by a group before and she doesn't believe it's being done anywhere, at least not for a podcast. That adds some excitement to the project.

Well, I think I've wound down enough to make it off to bed. I will, of course, keep you posted. Good night!

A Busy Day and the Feeling of Empowerment

2010-10-19T19:17:00.000-07:00

In contrast to this morning's post, I feel more myself than I have for awhile. I'm moving forward with the business plans, despite a great deal of fear and anxiety, and in turn this has strengthened my resolve to see it succeed. Each person spoken to, each business card handed out, is a small victory. Patience is something I'm going to have to partner with to make it happen. We don't always get along, so this may be a rocky alliance.

I'm not seeing as many "real" jobs posted. It seems the sharks have found Santa Fe to be a good hunting ground. It's frustrating to have to call them on their bogus attempts at reeling the desperate into their clutches. I wonder what they do with all the information they gather about people.

I've been lost in all the moves, and jobs, and different people to try to hang onto as friends. There was only survival and waiting for that date in the future when everything would change again.

Here, there is no date. The only change that will happen will be what we make happen. The longer we wait for that unforeseeable time the more we lose. So, now I take a stand, and claim this place to be our home. No one will be telling us to leave. We decide if and when we make such a change.

We're both slowly making friends. It's hard to do that when everything has been temporary for so long. I'm the one who talks to everyone, but has a hard time maintaining friendships. I've been like that, even when I lived in Bakersfield. I guess for some reason, I keep everyone at arm's length. So the friends thing is taking me longer than Cameron. He's found a couple of good, solid, friends. He can call them and talk with them when he's upset. I'm envious, but will push myself as I have had to, just to be able to speak up for myself, or make my wishes known. It's taken years to get this far from a wall flower in high school.

So with firm ground beneath me, I move myself beyond my comfort zones and step out into the high desert that is my home.

The Flatness of it All and the Toll That is Paid

2010-10-19T08:20:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a year of job hunting. Yes, I did have that one at the mall, the one with the immature supervisor who had no positive things to say about those under her "supervision". But I was trying to jump that ship after a couple of months on it. (Strangely, the company still employs her after she took them for hundreds of dollars while doctoring her time sheets. She's been told "Don't do that again".)

Anyway, hundreds of resumes, applications, and interviews later, here I am. I feel like a lifeless drone, throwing papers to the electronic wind and hoping some of them stick to some processor on someone's desk. There's no face time, unless they call for an interview. 99% of potential employers request no phone calls or surprise visits, just email us your paperwork and we'll be calling whomever looks like the person we want. How do you encapsulate your years of experience and the wisdom gained from that experience, your personality, your enthusiasm for the position into a couple of sheets of paper? I've been in the top 5 more times than I want to think about, only to be told, "Sorry, we found someone with the exact qualifications we're looking for."

Being 49 doesn't help, either. There's a lot of us out roaming the want ads, in search of a piece of the meager salaried positions. Excitement over a request for an interview is curtailed. We show up and put on the face of excitement over the minimum wage pay and the anticipation of being supervised by someone our child's age. We want the job, any job, but cynicism's undercurrent flows on unhindered.

Life just moves on. Highs are flattened by the inevitable "thanks, but no thanks." I know care must be taken to avoid the "self fulfilling prophecy" from this doldrums I'm caught in. So I turn back to focus my energy on the business that has been on life support for the past few months. I got a big order from a friend of mine that gave me the extra cash to purchase the remaining items needed to begin the party circuit. I'm hosting the first one as I figured that would be a good place to hone my skills. I'm not having it at our apartment (for one thing, there's no seating and I've made an open invite to members of a women's group that I joined a while back, so don't really know them that well.) I'll be using the community room at the apartment complex. It's nice, with a little kitchen and comfortable seating.

Having only been here a year and with most of that hunkered down, trying to survive financially, I haven't made many friends. Now, I talk to everyone, but it's a passing thing that is rarely repeated. These are more superficial acquaintances. I have friends from the mall job, but they're in the same boat-barely living paycheck to paycheck. If I can just get a handful of customers, to "infect" with my wonderful products and winning personality, that will begin the viral marketing necessary to operate in Santa Fe. Word of mouth is the top marketing technique. It can make or break a business in a heartbeat.

I'm still keeping the website going, even added an educational page-something that is highly recommended on websites these days. The podcast is moving along and is a tool for my viral marketing. The book has been a recent casualty of all of this flurry. I'm desperately focusing on ways to help support us and haven't been writing the past few weeks. I miss it. I'm consumed with conjuring up new ideas to get the business off the ground on the last bit of shoestring that I have, without looking like it. It's got to be good from the start, and the idea petrifies me. I still push on, creating my own brand and talking to everyone who will listen. I'm carrying business cards and handing them out. Today, my palm pixie will earn its keep so as to record contact info and press for party dates from those excited individuals I run into.

So, I push back the depression, anxiety, desperation, and cynicism that have made their home inside me. Today I pick up the package that's waiting for me, unpack the final items that complete my sample collection, and then go out in search of potential customers.

November is my start month. It gives me time to acquaint myself with the products and create my party persona. There are items to be printed up, in small quantity on my home printer for starters. Photoshop is my friend these days and I've managed to get fairly proficient with it. The necessary wiping of my hard drive really set me back as I'm still trying to locate files that were saved on every memory card we have. Slowly that mess is getting cleaned up.

I think I'm starting to ramble so need to put one foot in front of the other and get to work. I'm hoping for a productive day.

I Think I'm Making Headway...

2010-10-13T19:54:00.001-07:00

I'm still in job search mode, but hopeful (again) that a job I interviewed for this morning will come through. The hours are good and there's great potential for future advancement.

I made a really good sale Saturday and think I just might be able to pull some parties together. It'll take a little ingenuity to pull off some of the display pieces I want. (It's amazing how good cardboard looks with satin over it!) I got an amazing buy on a folding table, that folds in the middle, and has wheels so I can pull it along to where ever I need to take it. A while back I got a little folding hand-truck like thing (teachers use them) at a very good clearance price. Now, to make a tablecloth for the table and wait for the ordered items to show up.

My website is filling out nicely and I've added some new pages and lots more items to it. I'm trying very hard to have the patience to wait for the word-of mouth, viral marketing, to work its magic. I hand out business cards everywhere I go and talk to lots of people. Last week I interviewed an author from Australia for my October 15th podcast. My listener numbers are slowly going up on that, as well. It's a non-paying project, but should send the curious to my website, and maybe the curious will buy something?

My book has been on hold for the past week as I was having a terrible time with my computer-no sound. 2 techs. and several on the phone later, couldn't figure out the problem, and eventually recommended wiping my hard drive as there seemed to be something viral or otherwise causing the problem. Well, I've spent several days reconstructing everything and loading my files back into it. My audio works great, which is good since I needed to edit the interview and make it podcast ready.

On this Sunday, I'm going to be helping out with a short independent film as one of many part-time production assistants. It's non paid, but could lead to future paid opportunities, if the director likes my work. He is planning a major film in the future. He is an actor/producer/director (his name is Michael John Gabriel), so who knows what that future holds.

Cameron is feeling more positive these days and has accepted Santa Fe as his home. He's got a group of friends that he rides with on Sunday mornings and on Halloween he has been invited to a special tribal event. I'm not sure what tribe the Shaman is from, who invited Cameron and his friend Scott. All I know is that it's a guy only thing and they'll be sleeping out in the desert. What he has to say when he returns should be interesting. I think Tuesday and I will hang out together and maybe watch some Netflix. (We don't get any trick or treaters here.) I'm very happy he's found some people with similar interests to hang out with.

I feel a change in the wind (or maybe it's just fall) and am hoping it is for the better for us. Being in limbo is difficult and, unfortunately, we're quite familiar with it.

Oh, here's some pictures of my current nemesis, called "Chamisa". Since Santa Fe encourages xeriscaping (not sure of the spelling), the town is covered in native plants. It's quite pretty as something is always blooming, but my allergies aren't too keen on it.

Trying to Get a Handle On Everything

2010-10-02T10:03:00.000-07:00

The last couple of days, I've been reading the book for my upcoming interview. I'm going to record the actual interview Sunday evening, giving me a couple of weeks to edit it and post it on the 15th. It's been a hard book to read and quite long. I'm still not sure what approach to take with the author when we discuss it.

In addition to the reading, I've submitted several resumes/applications this week and made some additions to my website. Yesterday, I went to an address to "apply in person" for a receptionist position. Not knowing what kind of business it was, I was surprised to find that it is a very trendy salon. Wishing I had put on a little more make up or spent a little more time on my hair, I went through the doors. It's a very cool place and everyone is very friendly. I was asked to wait for the business manager. Oh, joy! An on the spot interview! I definitely wished I'd known and did a little more sprucing up. Well, it turns out the manager is fantastic. We had a great talk and he is passing me on to have an interview with the other 2 partners. So, I impressed one, now I wait for the second stage interview. I'm crossing my fingers. He says he prefers to hire people from out of town, because they have a good work ethic. Locals, apparently, are not very dependable.

OK, so that's the situation on the job front. During those last 2 days, I haven't worked on the book very much, since the interview was coming up and the book for that had to be finished. But now, I'm back on it. Not so much writing, but doing what I probably should have done initially-gathering information. I've pulled all my blog entries and am going through the comments. There's too many gaps in my memory and my blog posts for me to be comfortable writing much at this time. Today's job is to finish going through every scrap of emails, blogs, comments, notes, that I can find and enter them into my time line. Since I didn't do this initially, I am going to be going back through my first 7 chapters and making some adjustments; probably beginning some new chapters, as well.

Oh, I'm going to be a non-paid production assistant for an indie film that is being filmed on the 16th and 17th. I met the producer/director on Facebook (Michael John Gabriel) and he asked me if I'd like to fill one of the positions that he still needs people for. He says this is like an audition for future paid work for everyone involved. Sounds like fun, and I did let him know that my schedule may suddenly change if I get a paying job requiring my presence those two days. The Sunday should be fine, it's the Saturday that I'm not sure of. He says there are 4 shifts and I can do one or all four or any combination. So it's pretty loose.

I'm taking on another project, that I hope I can get done fairly quickly and easily. I got burned on my last attempt at bartering website building, in exchange for some tattoo work (he ended up not holding up his end of the bargain and so I had to take it all down). I have made a similar agreement with a friend who does tattoos on the side. Since he has a day job, he does it more for fun, than anything and it has come in handy for him to barter with. He's been professionally doing them for 17 years, but prefers to be able to just do them, now, as he feels like it. He knows the guy that I first did a site for and understands my wariness, but this time, he's doing the work first, then he says I can do the website at my leisure. So, it's a matter of making arrangements and working out the artwork. His site should be quick and easy to put up, since I've already done one. The only aspect that I think is going to give me some trouble is his logo. It's really unusual. As long as he can get me the full artwork, it should be OK.

Oh, tomorrow is another BMW track day. Cameron and I are the official photographers for track day. We get to go hang out on a curve and take pictures of whomever rides by. It can get kind of hot, but we've been having nice weather. Of course, this is taking place a couple thousand feet lower in elevation, so we'll see. Hats and lots of sunscreen! Anyone, who can pay the track fees, can come and use the track that day and the event is sponsored by the BMW dealerships. Employees can ride for free. Cameron has gone on the track a couple of times, but I'm not sure if he'll do it tomorrow.

It's going to be a challenge getting down to Albuquerque and to the track. The annual balloon fiesta is this weekend and is a huge tourist attraction for the region. I'm hoping to be able to see some of them in the air from the track. I will definitely take pictures. I don't know the air patterns around here very well, so have no idea which way they'll go after launch.

Well, it looks like a couple of my emails I sent out asking for archived information from the time of the accident may have been answered. So, back to the timeline! I'll keep you posted about all the crazy stuff I'm doing.

No News Is Definitely Not Good News!

2010-09-22T17:52:00.000-07:00

Well, today is, for the most part, over and I have not received a call from the Humane Society, where I interviewed last week. They said the would not call unless I was chosen. So, here I am. The interview I had yesterday was for Head Start, which is funded by government money, so has to go through a 3 week process to make any sort of decision.

I know several of you were wondering about all of that, so there it is.

Today was the worst one for job leads. Not much posted that I could remotely qualify for, unless I'm big and burley, and can lift 50+ lbs on a regular basis, or have prior experience doing, which I didn't have for any of them. Another thing that's frustrating here is the "must be bilingual" criteria that is with about a third of all the job openings. I wish I could learn languages easily, but they just don't stick!

Well, in the meantime, I've got 7chapters under my belt and many still to go. Speaking of which, I do need to get back to that business at hand.

Have a good evening!
Patti

Understanding More as I Go

2010-09-18T20:00:00.000-07:00

Well, my interview seemed to go well, yesterday. The position is made for me, except for the hours. It's 3 8-hour days: Sat, Sun, Mon. Not bad, except Cameron's "weekend" is Sun/Mon. It could make for some drastic schedule changes at home. At this point, though, anything is good.

After the interview, I went to the mall to see some of the friends I left behind, especially the others still at the Pagoda. Unfortunately, the manager was there, and since I didn't give her any notice, I really didn't want to see her. Luckily, she disappeared from the kiosk for quite some time, as usual, so I was able to go into the Zales, which is next door, to chat with one of my friends in there. While I was talking with her, one of my other friends, he had been a regular customer at the kiosk, saw me and stopped to talk. He was in a hurry, so I told him I'd stop by the salon he works at in a little while.

Both of my friends want to place an order with me. We'll see if they follow through. The one at Zales gets paid next week and said she'd call me then. The other, is interested in more products than I have on my website so wants me to bring him a catalog next week. All it takes is word of mouth in this town. If I can get a handful of happy customers, they'll tell their friends, etc. Viral marketing is what I was told it takes to make a business, here. Several good experiences can create a success, but a bad one can destroy it. That's Santa Fe.

I've made progress on several other fronts. I'm slowly filling in my podcast guest schedule. I'm booked through November. I'm slowly making my way through the book for October's show. The publisher I frequently work with, is sending me about 6 books to choose from, that are by the author I'll be interviewing in November. She's fairly prolific and has a couple coming out then. I'm not sure about the others she's sending me, but free books are always welcome!

Then, speaking of books, I'm managing to get about a chapter written each day. Though I took yesterday off to just regenerate. I have 5 chapters and a prologue in final stages. Cameron is encouraging me to keep working on it, not wanting me to loose my momentum. He says it's riveting writing and the story line very intense. He's sure it will be a good book once I finish. I'm handling it one chapter at a time, with an outline to keep me on track. I don't know how many chapters there will be. Each one begins and ends on its own terms. Most prompt tears at some point in them. That makes them all the more tiring to write. I think this will turn out to be good therapy for me, once it's all done and all the memories are packed into a file outside of my brain.

With the thoughts from chapter 5 neatly tucked away in my laptop, I should be able to get some sleep. I have another interview on, I think Tuesday, so I'll let you know how that one goes. Good night!

Fatigued, yet productive

2010-09-13T21:31:00.000-07:00

There's still no new interviews or even potential interview contact. I've applied at several locations, both large and small companies. Since most of these applications were submitted on Friday or over the weekend, I don't anticipate hearing from any of them for another day or so.

Some good out of this? I'm getting a good amount of writing done. This is extremely difficult for me as it is dredging up memories that I had pushed down 3 years ago. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Eventually, they start oozing back up and popping into your head. I've suffered from PTSD from Cameron's accident, but never dealt with it with a professional. Now I am, especially now that those memories aren't cooperating like they had for the past few years.

The writing is for a book. It's written from my perspective and begins the day I receive notice of the accident. I don't exactly know where it will stop, but I'm getting it all down on paper. Like throwing up that poisoned food that is only making you miserable while in your stomach, I'm regurgitating the minutes, hours, days , and weeks of a time that I felt more fear and helplessness than anyone should ever experience.

My therapist says it will be a healthy undertaking. I'm not sure I'm 100% with him on this, now that I'm into it. My anxiety levels have increased and I tear-up frequently, especially when I'm writing. I feel moodier and more exhausted than usual. I'm only 50 pages into it, with many more to go. One thing is good. Cameron is glad that I'm doing this. It might be because it helps him to understand what was going on while he was not himself or just happy that I am writing. He's always loved my writing and encouraged me to write. It was always hard to find the time, since I tend to get engulfed in my subject.

I may post some of it here and there, or may send hard copies to those who are interested. I don't know what I'll do with it when it's finished, so would rather not make it available to just anyone who happens upon my blog. That's to be worked out later, I guess. For now, it's been a long day. My allergies have made it difficult to sleep some nights. Last night was one of those, hopefully, tonight will bring me deep, restful, sleep.

Zozobra opens Fiestas de Santa Fe

2010-09-10T07:55:00.001-07:00

The following is from the local paper. This is an annual tradition here and very popular. Unfortunately, they increased the cost to attend, and we really don't like crowds, so we were not present for the festivities. I thought you might be interested in the cultural aspect of it.

[Photo Gallery] Old Man Gloom meets fiery doom - The Santa Fe New Mexican

http://www.zozobra.com/history.html This link will take you to information on the history of Zozobra.

It Just Keeps Going and Going

2010-09-04T18:59:00.000-07:00

The first of September was both wrenching and mind-boggling.

That great job I got a few weeks ago, ended. It was decided that I just wasn't right for the position.

Our lease on our apartment is up at the end of the month and the great move-in special we got last year, ends then, as well. This means our rent will go up $200 on October first. If one month's notice is required to move, I had to decide whether we would be staying here or moving somewhere cheaper. Since I couldn't get a hold of Cameron, I gave notice, with the understanding that I could cancel it. This would be the only opportunity to do so.

I spent the next day checking out potential future homes, but the costs involved in moving would be hard to come by if I have difficulty finding employment. So, after discussing it, we decided to cancel our notice and take the lesser of the two evils. The management company is offering one month of free rent that can be credited to our account and used as needed. That helps a little since, if necessary, we can take what we can't afford to pay next month out of the credit allowance.

OK, so here I am, again, searching for a job.

Wednesday, I applied for a job with an organization that works with at-risk youth and their families. It's similar to another position I had several years ago and I had planned to apply there the same day I was hired for my former position.

Thursday, I got a phone call from that organization, requesting that I come in for an interview on Tuesday. That was fast! I've continued to apply for other jobs, but don't expect to hear from anyone until after the holiday.

This "break" is giving me the opportunity to take care of long-overdue cleaning projects. I also, have an hour long podcast interview to edit down to 20-25 minutes by the 15th, so am working on that as well. The interview is with Paul Krassner, the satirist. He's a very interesting person. I enjoyed talking with him, as is evident from the length of the discussion/interview. If you're interested in listening to it, it will be posted on iTunes sometime on the 15th of September, under the podcast name of "The WildO Network".

Cameron is doing well and getting a better handle on the stress of his job. There's been some personnel changes there, so that shakes up the "norm". I'm not sure how the winter will be handled this year as everyone on the service side of the dealership's pay is dependent on a constant influx of customers. That's something we saw greatly lacking our first winter here.

It's looking like we may have some rough months ahead, but we could, also, be pleasantly surprised. I'm feeling a little more positive at the moment and anticipate a surprise or two. Paul (Krassner) is going to be using part of the unused interview to glean some quotes from me, and will be calling me in the coming weeks for more information. It seems that he is working on an article that may put my business in a very visible position.

Like I said, there may be some surprises ahead.

Talk About a Steep Learning Curve!

2010-08-18T19:33:00.000-07:00

Wow! Today was my second day at my new job and it was exhausting! There is soooo much to learn-names of instruments, cleaning methods for exam rooms, organization of all supply cabinets and drawers (there's lots!), the doctor's preferences in instrument arrangement, the color-coding of the schedule that is displayed on a monitor that tells everything about each exam and, thus, what items will be needed for it...

I'm so burned out at the end of the day, but still have "homework" to do-as in studying supply catalogs to get to know all the instruments, their uses and names, and all the other stuff that is used in exams and restorative procedures.

There's a big rush because the other person who works this position is going back to school on Tuesday. So that means I will be flying solo for 3-4 hours a day, while she's in class. Talk about a crash course in dental office work! I was supposed to have another day to learn, Monday, but a prior employee's funeral was then so they closed the office.

I only wish the person who is training me knew how to teach. The office manager keeps trying to offer suggestions to her, but she is so nervous about me learning everything in time that she is just throwing it all at me. (She really needs a lesson plan!) So all day I'm told to do this, then do another thing, before I've completed the first, then she complains that I do it too slow. This was day 2, I only got my feet wet yesterday. (Oh, she's terribly OCD, too)

So, I'll probably be spending the weekend studying photos I've taken of all the drawers and cabinets so I can memorize where everything is and how it's supposed to go. Thank goodness for digital cameras! I'm going to take some more tomorrow of the instrument cases and their layouts so I make sure I know where each one goes for the different exams.

As for other happenings in our lives, Cameron went to a jam session tonight. Apparently, there's some guys that heard some of his music and are wanting to get a new band together. So, they asked him to play with them tonight. I wish I could have gone with him, but this chaos of a job isn't going to kick my butt for too long. I know I'll get to know everything, then it will be like any other job and I'll have more energy when I get home.

A little later...

Tuesday and I just came back from a little walk. It's very nice out tonight and lots of other tenants were out, too. Unfortunately, so were the mosquitoes! They seem to find me quite tasty and they are rather small here, so it's hard to see them coming. Dastardly little blood-suckers!

I was just looking for the photos we took of our little prairie dog colony and realized I don't think I ever posted the pictures from our Las Vegas (NM) trip. So, here they are: Overnighter in Las Vegas

I need to get some studying done, then off to bed!

What a last couple of weeks!

2010-07-16T20:28:00.000-07:00

We've been going through a lot of just plain stuff. A large part of that has been being sick, both of us.

When I finally got to my first psych. appt. (took 3 months for an opening), the doctor prescribed me a new medication and started my doses low and gradually, over 1 month's time, I got to the maintenance dose. Nothing like being a guinea pig! I didn't really realize that the crazy things that were happening with me were due to the meds. until I took my first full dose. I had noticed things like my memory getting worse, disorientation that worsened, and my typing got weird. I usually can type 50wpm-corrected as I go along, but I began typing very phonetically, then just random letters would show up in words. By the time I was at the full dose, I was seeing at least 2 letters randomly in each word, without my noticing until I looked up at my typing. My final awakening to this happening came when my manager (yes, the same manager) showed me some paperwork that I had completed during the previous week. All I can say is that it looked totally different when I was filling it out. I was getting alternate realities. That scared me ALOT! I called the dr. office and was told my doctor was on vacation for 3 weeks, but I could see the one on call next week. So I cut my dose in half and waited the 3 days to see him. Now I'm on a different medication, but was told it would take a week for the other to be out of my system. I guess I have another day or two, but don't feel anything near 100%. I guess time will tell. Too bad they don't have some sort of blood test that can determine what chemicals are off in your brain so they can concoct an appropriate medication and be done with it. For now, they try different ones until they find the one that does the trick. UGH! Also, during all that I came down with some sort of sinus bug that's been going around.

Now on to Cameron. He really needs to get a new office chair-while working at his desk, he reached back to get something behind him and when the chair tipped back, it didn't stop-it just kept going over. So, he landed on his back, hitting his head on his amplifier. He immediately got up and threw up. Like most guys, he refused to go to the doctor. He ended up being very ill for a few days, and then got my bug, which went into his chest and gave him bronchitis. He then got a stomach bug that's also going around. Finally giving in, he went to the doctor a couple of days ago and got some medication and is now doing much better.

Last Sunday/Monday we rode to historic Las Vegas, New Mexico. Yes, we were both sick, but I had made the reservations in advance and they weren't refundable. We got a little exploring done both days, but spent the majority of the time enjoying cable TV in our hotel room and trying to feel better. We took lots of pictures-I'll try to put them up soon.

I'm still job hunting. I have sent out far more resumes than I care to add up and gone on close to a dozen interviews. Competition is fierce and they are telling me that as soon as the ad goes up they get upwards of 60+ applicants. It's an insane process of elimination. I feel that I need the job even more, now as I think my mental condition over the past few weeks has strained my situation at my present job. I made far too many mistakes, and now I'm feeling unsure of my abilities and don't trust myself. I double check everything, which takes more time. It feels as if it's only a matter of days before they let me go, but I could, also, be a little paranoid after the weird things that happened before.

My business has been laying there, flopping on the floor like a dying fish, so to speak. Santa Fe is a weird place and none of the marketing techniques that would work in CA, work here. So, I'm crossing my fingers that the 5 people I've spoken to, that asked if I do parties, will host some. I figure, why not try that? I haven't had much luck any other way. So I've been in contact with my wonderful person at my distributors about what products would be good sellers. I have a list, now I just have to purchase sample items. (I'm having flashbacks to long ago Tupperware selling.) My timeline for getting that going is the end of August. I think I should be able to spread out my purchases and have them by then. I've purchase some of my own items in bulk and put together combinations that will carry a 400% mark-up and still be below other companies' retail prices for similar items.

My podcast is going really well. I find alot of my authors on Facebook and have gotten to know several of them pretty well. I just posted my 4th one and the interview for the 5th will be done in a couple of weeks. I have the following one already lined up, as well. It's interesting talking with these authors. They are writers of various genres. I enjoy conversing with them, both on Facebook and while I'm interviewing them. It's great fun to talk with them. I've learned to do my own editing, so Cameron doesn't have to do it for me. If interested, the podcasts are on iTunes under The WildO Network, or on my website http://www.thewildo .com/twn .html

Business has picked up considerably at the dealership Cameron works at. As soon as the warm weather stabilized, the bikers came out of the woodwork. This is good for the business as the winter was especially severe this year and kept most of them off the road the entire season. They cut back on personnel to survive winter and now are working with a skeleton crew. It gets stressful trying to get all the customers' bikes fixed within their time frame and the mechanics' without upsetting either side in the process. Cameron is getting better at dealing with this "dance" between service and customers, without getting himself pinched in the middle. Everyone wants it done NOW, but doesn't want to pay for the service. It's a terrible contradiction that he faces daily.

Santa Fe is gorgeous. Even when it's hot, it doesn't compare to the heat in Phoenix or Bakersfield. Hot, here, means upper 80's. Usually there's a breeze, though we have had a couple of days without it and it seems much hotter then. I guess it's because we're so high up that the sun's intensity is more pronounced. I keep the 90-100 spf sunscreen on as the UV ratings here are very high. It's 7000ft. higher here than where we lived before. You can definitely feel the difference. I found out (not from experience) that alcohol has twice the effect here. I was speaking with a promoter and he said he tries to warn bands, that come here to play, but they don't listen. They go out to have a couple of drinks and find themselves barely able to walk. Then he gets the job of trying to sober them up for the concert. It's amazing what happens to you once you go over 5500ft.

Well, I have a full day's work tomorrow, that I'm not looking forward to, so I'd better be off to bed. Cameron is still fighting all his ails so went to bed shortly after supper. I think I've been trying to stall the inevitable arrival of Saturday morning. I usually only work for a few hours in the afternoon so an 8 hour shift on a busy Saturday is not exactly my favorite thing to do. So, Good Night, until next time.

Insomnia and Restless Legs

2010-05-09T05:01:00.000-07:00

This is getting to be a habit. Watching the clock move slowly, hour by hour...doze for a bit...then more watching. Then, as if that weren't enough, the legs start up. Aching...moving...discomfort...moving...turn over...moving...

It's 4:00am and I can't stand fighting it anymore, so I get up. Ah, 6 hours "sleep", as usual. Hmm...no one's on Facebook. Could it be they're sleeping!?

And so the day begins.

It's Mother's Day, so happy Mother's Day to everyone who has little and grown kids. My baby is back in California, but one of our furry "children" has just joined me at my computer for some petting and cuddling. Hopefully, he won't get the desire to do a little blogging, himself. He's notorious for diving in and "helping" me write.

Today, Cameron is taking me for a ride into the Pecos Wilderness for a picnic in a wooded area north of Pecos. He went on a solo ride last weekend and found the place teeming with wildlife. It will be a very nice way to spend Mother's Day. I'm planning on taking lots of pictures.

Let's see, what have we been up to for the past couple of months? The job searching continues with several interviews under my belt, but no responses. It seems so rude, especially in this age of e-mail, that prospective employers don't inform everyone that interviews of their status. A simple, impersonal, mass e-mail would suffice and allow interviewees to briefly mourn their loss and move on to other possibilities.

Well, JarJar left and now I have the company of Tuesday. I figured she'd stay in the cozy bed with Cameron, but she's on the prowl to tease the kitties! The chair by my desk, comfy with fuzzy blanket on top, makes for a nice vantage point to watch for passing felines.

Back to what's been going on. We've joined a few social groups and will go to our first event in a couple of weeks. One of the members of the women's group is hosting a brunch at her house on the 23rd and spouses are invited. Then on the 25th, the first meeting of the newly formed book club will be meeting to discuss Robert Goolrick's "A Reliable Wife". (By the way, I'm not sure I would recommend the book. The writing is excellent, but the story is terribly tragic. It took a while to shake it off after I finished the book.) Cameron joined a sport touring motorcycle group, but he has not gone on any rides with them, yet, so I don't know what they are like. There is, also, a couples group, but so far, the events haven't been our cup of tea.

Trying to get my little business off the ground has been frustrating, at best. I've been given quite a few suggestions for marketing it, from local people I've spoken with. I,also, have an appointment with a counselor at the Santa Fe Business Development Center, located at the community college. I've heard great things about their program so hopefully they can get me up to speed with how to make it work in this "city different", as it is known. So far, there's a big event in June that I'm thinking about setting up a booth at. From what I've been told, it's a great way to double my investment and create a customer base as attendees are always anxious to buy from the vendors. I'm still researching it, though I am running out of time to make my final decision.

Ah, here comes my snuggly boy to "assist" me, again. Tuesday must have gone back to bed as she's nowhere in sight.

Cameron is learning a lot about the temperament of local BMW owners, as well as how to temper his temperament when they begin acting in character. Not all of them are proctological specimens. He has some very nice and friendly customers who break up the tide of other, less amicable ones. These are the joys of being the front line man-buffering the distance between the customer and the technician. It's a skill that is good to learn, though frustrating in the process. I have seen him grow and improve considerably over the past few months, so hats off to Cameron for his persistence and patience.

My podcast is slowly coming along. The first one was not to great, due largely to audio problems. The next one should be much better, though I didn't watch the time as well as I should have so the interview ran way over the target 20 minutes. That means I'm spending a lot of time editing it to bring it down to the right length. I'm learning quite a bit about doing audio production as I want to be able to do most of it myself, rather than have to rely on Cameron to pull my show together. He has his own projects that he's focusing on. Thankfully, he's a patient teacher.

My stomach has woken up and is growling fiercely. I think it's time to feed it. So, I will close this and try to keep you better informed, as there's going to be a lot happening in the coming weeks. Spring is in Santa Fe, finally, and the tourists are beginning to stream into the city. That means many events are scheduled and the drivers are getting crazier, trying to navigate the bizarre layout of the streets. So, have a great Mother's Day and watch out for the party-hardy drivers.

Very Busy Times

2010-03-23T09:14:00.000-07:00

Let's see...

It's been quite a while since I last posted anything. I got my website up and running and have had numerous friends go through it for errors and consistency and I think everything is in good shape.

I am working on a podcast in which I interview authors and review books. Since books are so expensive, I've contacted at least 20 publishers to request review copies and already have 3 on the way and 2 authors scheduled for interviews. I should have my first podcast up by the end of April.

Work is so-so. I really don't like working at the mall. When it gets busy, it feels claustrophobic since the kiosk that I work at is right in the middle of the walkway at a busy intersection. I'm not much of a mall person, either.

Cameron and I are working on building a website for a local tattoo artist. It's a little slow going as he is very busy and is having a hard time going through his portfolio pictures and reducing them to a post-able number. I think he said he has over 500, and we have asked him to bring it down to 250 for both his tattoos and piercings. Cameron is, also, going to interview him for his podcast and we'll do a little biography to post on his Examiner page.

All this work, and our finances are not doing much better. The site for the tattoo artist is a paid job, but since we don't have as much experience with it, we are charging far less than a professional web designer would get. It's, also, a very simple site.

The podcasts and my website are not bringing in anything yet, so it's just a waiting game for now. It takes a while for search engines to find you, and that's what brings people in to look at it. Ah, that whole patience thing again. We should be experts at it by now.

The critters are very happy these days. Maintenance finally came and screened in our patio so they can go out and lay in the sun and watch the birds. We put the doggie door, we've been carrying around with us since moving from Bakersfield, in the sliding door and now they can go out whenever they want. JarJar loves to sit out there at night. I finally got Tuesday current on her shots so now we can do a little more exploring on our walks. So everyone is happy.

Cameron is doing great at his new job. He's happy to go to work, now, and his pain is managed. I'm glad he's found a place for himself.

I'm having some good troubles. I've lost a bunch of weight and am having troubles finding things to wear in my current wardrobe, that aren't baggy and/or need a belt to hold them up. I'm going to check out Goodwill for some clothes, today, as trying to get a new wardrobe is going to get expensive. I already found a pair of nice dress slacks for interviews, there, and you can't beat $6.50 at a department store!

JarJar has just joined me at my desk to "help" me with my writing. Unfortunately, he likes to walk across the keyboard. I need to get myself moving in the direction of running errands and such. Hope you have a nice week!

Interesting Times Ahead

2010-02-07T15:41:00.000-07:00

There's been alot of testing and uncertainty around our lives lately. Hmmm...I guess that is sort of what frequently exists for us.

Anyway, Cameron's leg has been bugging him ever since his accident and there has always been the issue of the MRSA lurking under one of his plates. Well, we're finally getting it taken care of in a couple of weeks. They'll remove the plate and clean out the infected tissue. He doesn't need the plate any more, anyway. It will be outpatient surgery and so he'll be home recuperating a little while (we haven't been given the post-surgery specifics yet).

His leg discomfort isn't going to go away with this procedure, but at least we won't have to worry about the infection anymore. Yeah!

His boss is thinking about moving him to a desk job some time soon. He's been reworking their website to supplement the cut in pay that was delivered in January. They have, also, been cross-training him to do service writing-basically being the go-between for the customer and the mechanic, writing up the cost estimates, etc. That may be what they have in mind for him, we'll see. Either way, it's a tight family-like company and they really want to keep him, so we're not worried about his future.

I'm still working at the mall part-time. Saturdays are very busy-we pierced a lot of ears yesterday! I don't like doing the little babies-they cry and it just pulls at my insides. Especially when they give me that look like "I'm going to remember you for the rest of my life!" Poor things, but they get over it quickly, and then I have to make them cry again when I do the other ear! Most of the babies are about 3 months old.

I'm going to be doing some sales for a local company that I like. I'll only make commission, but it's some additional income for us. That is keeping me busy alot of the time. I'll be meeting a lot of local people and that will be fun.

I'll keep you posted as to Cameron's recovery.

The Calm

2010-01-12T09:00:00.000-07:00

First off, my doctor says the nodules (about 4 or 5) are too small to biopsy so she will continue to monitor them on a regular basis.

That bit of news out of the way, Madeline's visit was great! There's so much to see in the area that we only made a small dent in the list, but will continue on her next visit. It didn't really snow while she was here, so we drove up to Los Alamos and hiked around in some that was a foot deep or so. Even though it had been a few weeks since it came down, the snow was still pretty powdery so walking around in it didn't chill us down. The scenery was gorgeous and the company fun!

On another excursion, we went in search of the elusive Santa Fe dinosaurs that live on Dinosaur Ave. We see them everyday and knew they were on a frontage road, but it took a little bit of scenic driving to locate them so we could get up close and personal. It's amazing how creative people around here are.

Then it was a Turquoise Trail (Hwy 14) ride through Madrid for coffee, and on up to Sandia Peak. Sandia Peak is about 10,700 feet high and the view towards Albuquerque is awesome. Unfortunately, it was a bit hazy that day, but we could still see for miles and miles.

Between these little trips, we explored the old downtown area of Santa Fe, peeking in shops and talking with people we met.

It's been a fantastic week. It will satisfy my need for mother-daughter time for a little while. In the meantime, the phone calls will suffice. So for now, our apartment is a bit empty feeling (I should probably take down the Christmas decor I had left up for her visit), it's time to settle back into our chaotic norm.

The Road Less Traveled

2009-12-30T15:54:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since my last post. I guess it's been hard to really grasp all the tiny twists and turns that seem to permeate our lives. It seems that the long, winding, bumpy road is the path we've been given. Financial woes. Everyone is plagued with them, and we're no exception.

It's been hard to work at a retail store in the mall; watching all the people carefully selecting gifts for their loved ones, the excitement in their eyes, and the anticipation of the little ones who were there to see Santa. Like looking in through a window from the outside, it seemed sort of surreal. We exchanged no gifts this year, with anyone. Cameron and I have always not exchanged gifts, preferring to go do something rather than add another item, the meaning later forgotten, to our household. Memories are far superior. What was hard was not being able to give gifts or memories to my family. Being so far away and out of touch with their lives is very hard for me. I've never been away for so long.

I love Santa Fe. The town has tremendous character and it promises a good future for us. The air and water are wonderful, allowing our lungs to start healing from the poisons we breathed in for 20+ years. What I have seen of the seasons, so far, raises my spirits when I feel alone. I'm like a kid when it snows and bubble over with excitement when I peak out the blinds in the morning and see the white flakes falling and drifting to the ground.

I've been working on a project that keeps me pretty busy. Parts of it are very difficult for me so I've purchased some computer software to help through them. I've found a lot of local people with experience in this sort of thing and they have been a tremendous help.

Today, I'm a little afraid. We finally got health insurance and I saw my new doctor on Monday. Actually, she's a nurse practitioner and a very good one, too. She was far more thorough than any of the doctors I've seen in the last 15 years. I've had thyroid issues for quite a few years, hypothyroidism. Well, Monday she found some nodules on my thyroid. She sent me for lab work and an ultrasound yesterday to determine how many and what ever else they can from that test. She's supposed to get the results today or tomorrow, so I guess I'll be hearing from her sometime soon. She said some nodules wind up being benign and some are malignant. We won't have much of a grasp of what mine are until the ultrasound results are in and most likely a biopsy is done. If any family members read this and know of any other relatives that have had something like this, I would like to hear about it. This kind of stuff often runs in families and maybe finding out what others' results were will put my mind more at ease.

Cameron is, of course, worried sick about me. I try to stay calm and reassuring to help him stay focused on his work and other tasks he's working on. Work has been pretty up and down for him. I guess it's just too cold for anyone to want to go motorcycling up here. It tends to go in flurries, depending on the weather. A couple of weekends ago, he and the other mechanic were up to their necks in work. We were having a few warm days (around 40-43 degrees) and local riders wanted to take advantage of it. Then after that brief warm spell, it went back to barely anything coming in. I've heard that January and February are the coldest months with the most snow, so it's probably not going to get a whole lot better soon. For extra work, he's applying at the community college to teach music part-time. It would be a great outlet for him.

Despite all the crazy things that are happening, I'm also very excited because Madeline is coming for a visit this weekend. We'll get to hang out together for a week, then she'll need to get back to her life in Bakersfield. I talk about her all the time at work so we will have to stop by so I can show her off-I'm really proud of her. I'm still trying to decide what, of the many things to see here, I'll show her. I keep checking the weather forecasts, but it doesn't look like it will snow while she's here, but that can always change. It'll be good to have her close, even if it's just for a week.

I need to get some more housework done. Since I'm off today, I need to take advantage of the opportunity to catch up on all the domestic stuff. I'll keep you posted as I get results, etc.

Moving Forward

2009-11-27T22:03:00.000-07:00

Left foot...right foot...left foot...
It sure looks easy when you put it down in black and white.
Left...right...left...right...

Regardless of how much in control we feel we are, we're really on a sort of moving walkway, like they have at airports. We keep moving our feet, deliberately and carefully (or sometimes not so carefully), but that isn't all that propels us forward.

There's this inner drive, a hand, that nudges us toward a goal. Alot of the time we have no idea what that goal is, but something inside makes us get up everyday and move forward. Maybe it's the searching for the goal that motivates us when no goal is in sight. Our exhistence has to have a reason; a purpose.

It's hard to hear or see that tiny spec inside of us that has the answer. Some catch glimpses, and hear the faint whisper-that's what pushes them, headstrong into what looks like an impossible storm. Some search most of their lives, often for the wrong thing, forgetting to listen, or deaf to the sounds of hope in the answer.

While we try hard to pay attention, we trip on bumps along the walkway. It could be cast off items from other travelers or our own baggage that we keep dropping in front of us, because we brought too much along. Losing the brief link with our inner voice is that easy.

So, as a holiday wish...
Unload some of the extra baggage, lighten your load. Keep your eyes on the future in front of you and listen...

Finally, Some Forward Momentum

2009-11-11T21:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I now have a phone. It only took about 2 weeks to get it, but I do have it. Yeah!

That almost closes the chapter on "The Flood". Things are still out of place around our apartment, but they were out of place before. We didn't have the chance to really settle in, so I'm taking my time and thinking it through, giving each item it's place.

The store I work at, Piercing Pagoda, is located in the city's indoor mall. It's a large kiosk that sits in the middle of the flow of foot-traffic that moves through the place, in a sort of oceanic ebb and flow. I guess you could say that "hurricane season" is soon upon us, turning the waters into tidal waves that converge onto the waiting shores. I've always avoided malls, especially during the holiday season; and look where I am! I'm even scheduled for Black Friday.

Well, to deal with all of the sniffling, sneezing, coughing that surrounds me during my shifts, I'm taking extra vitamin c and zinc, hoping to hold off any lurking viruses until our medical insurance kicks in on Dec. 1. Another Yeah!!

Aside from my great dislike for crowds, etc., I do enjoy the people watching. There are some very eccentric characters in Santa Fe and it seems like the colder it gets, the more they come out to roam.

Cameron is making his place where he works. It's scary being the "new guy" sometimes, especially when there isn't much to keep busy with. The old saying "last hired, first fired" comes to mind. I know he's stable there. This is the standard seasonal slow-down as described by all who work there. It's a family company, they take care of their members and are upfront with them. He'll be OK, he just needs to hold on to his faith in himself.

That's what we both need to do. We can do anything we put our hearts and minds to, but we have to really believe that to be true. We're finally in a place that feels right, so we're doing what we are supposed to do, and on the path that is right for us.

One thing I missed about our place, when we were temporarily located in another part of the complex, is the pine tree outside our patio. When I leave in the morning, or any time for that matter, the fragrance greets me as I walk past. There weren't any pine trees in that area, so the smell was absent. The scent intensifies when the tree gets wet, inviting me to take in its presence when the rain and snow obscure the view of the incredibly blue sky. I'm home.

SNOW!!

2009-10-26T08:59:00.002-07:00

OK, I may get tired of it, eventually, but I still get excited when we have some sort of out of the ordinary weather occurrence. Cameron calls me the "Storm Goddess" due to the pure joy I got from a ride we were on, a few years ago, in which we were on a highway near the Grand Canyon that was right between 2 fantastic thunderstorms. We got hailed on and pretty wet by the time we got to lodgings for the night, but I was ecstatic!

Well, this morning we awoke to snow on the ground. Only around an inch, but it stuck to all the trees and bushes, blanketing our complex with pristine whiteness.

This is our dog's first snow and I wasn't sure how she would handle walking in it (she's a large chihuahua.) I had to carry her down the stairs, but after that, she cruised through the fresh powder with no problems, wagging her tail the entire time. She probably sensed my excitement, so joined in. We appeared to be the first one's out in it, in our immediate vicinity, so there were no other dog prints around. (These are her's.)

This excitement aside, we are supposedly going to be able to move back to our actual apartment today. We looked in on it yesterday and several things still needed attention, such as re-installation of the water heater, lighting fixtures, and, of course, cleaning up the mess from the drywall and painting. I'm estimating this afternoon, but we'll see. It all depends on how many people they put to the task.

Yesterday, we bundled up and took a short ride to a town called Pecos. It's along the old Santa Fe Trail and we were curious. There isn't much of a town to really look at. The population is 6000+, but it looked like the inhabitants were scattered about the area and there isn't really a "downtown" that we noticed. But, the countryside was pretty and the sky gorgeous, as usual.

We continued past Pecos to the Pecos National Historical Park, where we saw ruins from a mission built in the 1700's. There are numerous other ruins dating back much farther, but we weren't dressed for the hike. We will save that for another time, now that we know it's there.

The sun is trying to peek out from the cloud cover and has melted much of the snow on the trees. The ground is still covered, but, that too will probably be gone by noon. It's nice that it happened on a day that neither one of us had to go to work, so we can just take it in and have a relaxing morning. Click Here, for a slide of our ride.

Insanity at 7000 Feet, and it's Snowing!

2009-10-21T08:56:00.003-07:00

The saga of our apartment situation continues to unfold in a labyrinth of deceit and frustrations.

Monday was the day we had arranged for the maintenance guys to move us to the apartment which was originally to be our temporary lodging, but we decided to go ahead and move into it permanently since it will be at least another week before the original apartment will be finished. Management was happy since it would save them some paperwork and the workers wouldn't have to deal with going into the apartment to retrieve items. It is a little smaller, but the rent is much cheaper. Well, after packing up all of our stuff, the guys come in and tell us that the manager says they can only move the big things, such as the desks and bed. Now, the management had told us that we could take the apartment and they would move us. Apparently, they meant only the larger items. There is no way we can move all the rest of the stuff into an upstairs apartment ourselves. That's why we originally chose a downstairs place.

Off to have words with the manager, who is not exactly the poster child for good customer relations. She insists that we are on our own to move anything but the big items. Well, we tell her our physical limitations and our understanding that our belongings would all be moved. When we asked for the phone number to her supervisor, she refuses to give it to us. We have the number, but it was packed up with all the rest of our stuff.

Cameron pulls up the corporate website and manages to track down the person we need to speak with. She says she will call us back after she speaks with the apartment manager. Well, she comes back with the offer to let us just move back into our original place after they are done, and maintenance will move back the few items they had moved here for us.

I just want to settle into my home. We had only been in the apartment for 5 weeks before all this happened and here we are, back in this state of limbo. Now, what settling I had accomplished, is undone and so everything will need to be unpacked, again! This whole thing has been a nightmare.

One uplifting thing, IT'S SNOWING!!! It's too wet to stick, but it is so pretty coming down. The pictures are from the balcony of our temporary abode. Here's a little video of it all coming down just click on the picture:

It's Raining! Inside?!

2009-10-15T12:30:00.001-07:00

Tuesday morning we awoke to massive amounts of water in the kitchen, dining area, and livingroom. It was raining from dozens of spots in the ceiling and the latex paint bulged from the weight of the water that was pressing against it and trickling out. There was literally about a 1/2 inch of water in the kitchen. Thankfully, only those areas were affected. Cameron's keyboards and audio equipment were untouched and so was our bedroom. I guess we're lucky we hadn't been able to afford any livingroom furniture, otherwise that would have been soaked. We still had some boxes around, but the contents seem to have fared pretty well.

Within 15 minutes, maintenance was knocking on our door. A neighbor had notice water pouring from the balcony above our unit and reported it. No one lives up there, but apparently, the previous occupants had covered the the overflow drain for the water heater. The water heater had burst, and the water had saturated the upstairs and was moving through the floor, our ceiling, as gravity intended.

The situation was quickly sized up and before long, sections of drywall were being cut from our ceiling. Extractors were used to remove the water on the floor, and then the carpet was removed. I've attached a link to a slide show of pictures of our torn up place. They have since removed more drywall and pulled our water heater.

So began a struggle with the apartment management as to what we were to do while all this was being fixed. At first, they were totally uncooperative as far as paying for our hotel or providing any suggestions as to how we were supposed to vacate the place as instructed.

Slowly, their attitude changed as Cameron moved further up the management ladder. It's taken 2 days of arguing and frustration, but they are finally going to pay for the hotel stay until tomorrow, and then will put us up in another apartment for the remainder of the time. The workers are anticipating that it will be at least until Tuesday or Wednesday before we can move back in. I would just have them move us entirely to the other apartment, except that it is smaller and would be a little crowded for Cameron and I to share the 2nd bedroom office, especially with all the keyboards and recording equipment.

So, it has been a frustrating last couple of days. On the flip side, I started my part-time job on Monday. Thankfully, they have been incredibly understanding about my situation and given me flexibility in regards to my hours. I am working at a mall kiosk, The Piercing Pagoda, which is sort of a pain, but the pay is OK and will provide us with the financial cushion we have been lacking. I do like talking with new people and the products are pretty. I will be learning how to pierce ears on Friday, which should be interesting. I'll probably have more holes in my own, in time, who knows?

The "kids" of our household have not been very happy about all of this upset of their surroundings. It has been very stressful, and will continue to be so, until they are back in their normal home. JarJar, especially, has a hard time with it. He's kind of the strong silent type, who ponders his own reflection in the mirror and sulks terribly when he feels things aren't the way they should be.

Us humans are doing our best to hang in there while all this is going on. We had only been in the apartment for about 5 weeks and then all this hits us. This is, of course, after spending 2 weeks in hotels looking for an apartment and then for all the checking they do to be processed, etc. Ah, this, too, will be another thing we will laugh at in the coming years (right...) I guess, so as this little adventure continues we will keep you posted.

Finally, A Place to Call Home

2009-09-26T09:43:00.004-07:00

There's still a fare amount of boxes stacked around, with contents waiting for their final destination, but we are home, now. Santa Fe is a gorgeous town, with friendly people and promise for a great future.

Cameron is settling into his job and likes the people he works with. It's a positive environment to be in, though it's often exhausting. Adjusting to the pace of a "real" shop, as opposed to the school setting, has been challenging, but he's getting the hang of it and has been praised for his work. They seem to be very happy with their choice for a new technician.

I'm looking for a part-time job and taking some business classes. New Mexico has tons of support available for small businesses and so I thought I'd look into what is available. The classes I'm taking are free and offered by a non-profit organization that provides support and counseling for anyone interested in starting their own business. They are general in nature, such as creating a business plan, handling finances, state and local laws and tax information, etc. It's very interesting. Held 2 times a week for 2 hours, my head is usually spinning by the time I leave the building. They pack a lot of information into those 2 hours.

The weekend before last, we took a ride to Las Vegas (New Mexico, that is). We had intended to go elsewhere, but not really knowing our new surroundings, yet, sent us off to the hometown of the Rough Riders (Roosevelt's). We spent a little time there, had lunch at a popular local restaurant, and headed back home. We'll revisit later, when we can spend more time really looking about the historical downtown area. I just wasn't up to spending the day walking around (knees, again) as the original ride was only going to take us a couple of hours and this one was a bit longer.

Last week, we went on a ride around town to explore. We like to play "Where does this road go?" and often wind up in unusual places. This time we found Hyde Park. It's a very pretty ride that took us about 3000 feet above Santa Fe. It was the perfect day for such a ride, too.

Here's a slideshow of pictures from all of this:

Click here to view!

Waiting...Waiting...and WAITING...(OOPS! I thought I posted this already)

2009-09-10T09:59:00.002-07:00

We've been in Santa Fe for 10 days, now, and are still in a hotel. I'm anticipating hearing from the leasing agent at our proposed residence later today or tomorrow, but the wait has taken a huge tole on our finances. We started out in one hotel, but had to move to a cheaper one when we realized we would be extending this living situation longer than the expected 4 days. It didn't help that we ran into a holiday weekend, including a local festival that ran all weekend.

I didn't want to get tied into an apartment on a sight-unseen basis this time. Our last move was done that way and wound up being on the edge of a ghetto area and in a complex falling apart as fast as they could try to renovate it.

Well, with very shaky credit, and making just over the limit for most of the complexes in town (the majority are low income based housing via a state program), we have run into a lot of problems getting into a place. Thanks to my parents' assistance, it looks like we may have a home by the end of the week.

Our furry family has been weathering the ordeal as best as they can. The 12 hour ride in the U-haul truck was assisted with anti-anxiety medication, so once they settled in, they pretty much hung out in the middle seat. Once they got used to one hotel, we moved to the other, and then we will be moving to our final destination. It's been hard on them. JarJar is especially sensitive to changes so requires frequent reassurance.

We'll all be happy to finally be settled into our new home.

Santa Fe is an interesting town to get to know. Few streets are straight and none run on the usual north/south, east/west pattern. Because of the dominant Pueblo-style architecture, even chain stores look different and have been a little harder to locate than expected. It gives the area a nice charm, especially when the tallest building is 5 stories high. Greenery is abundant and hides many of the businesses along major streets. Some of the streets downtown are barely wide enough to drive a car on. I was told that they were originally mule trails, that were later paved, some are only gravel.

I'll post some pictures once we're settled. The apartment complex we're getting into is very nice and is affordable due to some great specials that are going on. Rent is $300 cheaper for a 1 year lease

Hanging Out in the Margin

2009-08-28T21:10:00.002-07:00

Today was my last day at work and Cameron's graduation from MMI.

We are at the end of a year of turmoil and intense anxiety. It was punctuated with frustrations over how we were going to survive the year-long trek to the point we now find ourselves at. Tears, anger, sadness, and those wonderful interludes of laughter, identified the road we were traveling. No signs needed, we were in it for the long haul and new exactly what our destination was. Unfortunately, we had no idea what was in store for us along the way.

Tomorrow is another long day to finish packing. We've only done a little here and there during the week. Fatigue, from all the effort put into getting to the finish line, left us drained and with little drive to put more energy into anything. So, here we sit, with boxes all around us and our livingroom feeling smaller and more confining each day.

It's funny about the boxes. Allie, our resident girly-girl cat, has been taking great glee in toppling empty boxes. Her efforts wall off sections of the room from our dog, Tuesday, who has little room left to fetch her toys. Are these antics intentional or convenient accidents? She seems little bothered by the adjustments to her surroundings as she casually assumes her usual position (sprawled out on her back with her legs splayed to the sides) on the tile floor of our entry.

JarJar, on the other hand, is very disturbed by the whole moving thing. He is known to ponder the wonders of his universe while gazing at the world through reflections in the bathroom mirror. Lately, he has been brooding over the chaos that used to be his livingroom, from the tall counter that overlooks the kitchen and the mess below. His posture is sullen and he sits there like a gargoyle looking out from some ancient stone structure.

Our move will be to Santa Fe, not Albuquerque, as we had originally planned. We decided it would be better to live near the location that he will spend most of the year at. Even though rent is higher there, the reduced wear and tear on his bike will make up for it. We don't have a place to live, yet. We will be staying at a La Quinta Inn for a few days while we scout out the area and view several prospective locations. Our move to Phoenix, sight unseen, was more than enough to convince us not to try that again. (Apartments look much better in the 10 year old pictures displayed in their ads, than they do in real life.)

As I learn more about Santa Fe, it is looking like it will be a good fit for us. There is a lot of culture and abundant opportunities to really get to know the community. I am, also, looking forward to true seasons. Sitting at almost 7,000 feet, Santa Fe receives several inches at a time of snow in the winter, the summers are briefly in the 90's, the spring brings abundant blossoms and the fall is crisp in anticipation of the first snow. A nice change from the 2 season climate of Phoenix.

Ah, the day's activities are finally catching up with me and tomorrow is a very busy day. So, it's off to bed and, if the neighbor's dogs stop barking for more than 20 minutes, hopefully a restful night's sleep.

I Can See Clearly Now.....

2009-08-08T21:06:00.002-07:00

Aaahhh...I'm back on 4 wheels again, and with a fresh, new, windshield. I found a fantastic auto glass company owned by a 26 year old guy who seems to have good fortune smiling on him. He even shares it, too.

I stood outside with him while he did the replacement and seemed to enjoy my questions as to the techniques used. I told him a little about what has been going on the past year and how we've pretty much just been hunkering down till the school part was over. He said he had been swindled in the past, as well.

When it was time to pay the bill, he told me the amount would be adjusted on the computer at the shop. I didn't understand what he was talking about until I saw the amount. He had cut it in half. I asked him why, and he said Cameron and I should go out to dinner. He was only charging me for materials. When I told him he didn't need to do that, he said he was the owner of the company and he could do what ever he wanted to do. Wow. I took several cards to share with co-workers and thanked him profusely.

Not long after the work was done and the generous repairman was on his way to spend the afternoon with his girlfriend on the lake, Cameron called. He only had a minute, but he had made it to Santa Fe and the interview was going well. I gave him a brief explanation about the windshield and he said he'd call me later.

So, I was off to the car wash to vacuum out the remaining glass and scrub off two weeks of muddied dirt from my car. I decided to make the long overdue trip to the grocery store, as well. It was amazing looking out on the road through that clean, clear glass. The previous windshield was badly pitted and had a crack running vertically on the driver's side. It was like finally getting glasses and actually seeing the details of your surroundings that you had been missing.

As to this past week, Cameron did well in his class, despite his misgivings about his abilities. Faith in one's self is so hard to come by sometimes. It seems so much easier to have faith in others, and support their endeavors, than to look inside and find the grand person hiding within.

Being Taken and Moving Forward

2009-08-03T21:11:00.002-07:00

The mechanic who worked on my car last month seemed OK. A bit of a workaholic who seemed to thrive on rushing around from job to job. He was a "friend of Bill's" so they are usually alright. He fixed my car just fine and didn't charge and arm and a leg.

Well, last week I parked my car under a eucalyptus tree in the parking area of our apartment and a branch fell on it. It went right through the front windshield. Wonderful! I had just gotten back behind the wheel, and now I am back to busing it again.

We managed to scrape together some funds to get it fixed by the same guy who had fixed it before. He said he had quite a bit of experience with replacing windows/windshields, and his price was within reason. He came by Friday to take a look at the damage and we paid him so he could pick up the windshield. I know, we should not have paid him until after the repair, but he was very quick and reasonable before.

That was before. We spent our weekend waiting around for him as he called to tell us that it would be a little longer before he made it to our place. Then it was the next day he'd be over. Then his "new" phone number was disconnected. We left messages at his previous number, even texted him. No calls had been returned. He was gone.

The internet is a wonderful thing. I've been searching for him and found a new number for a shop with a general location indicated. I only have his first name, but when Cameron called the number, it was his voice on the other end. He denied being the Ron who had worked on my car, but we know it was him. We will get our money back, or at least make him terribly paranoid.

Other news? Well, it's looking more and more like we may be moving to Santa Fe, NM. Cameron had a phone interview last week and the manager wants to see him this coming weekend. He's even footing the hotel bill. I'll keep you posted as this progresses.

As the end of his classes is drawing nearer for him, Cameron is pushed even harder. It's a stressful point in his training as his skills are tested to perfection and there is so little time to complete tasks. He's doing well, though, despite the pressure. His grades are great and he's putting his all into it.

At the end of the day he's wiped out and a little withdrawn. Unwinding from the intensity that he had maintained for the previous 5 hours, is his main goal. It's sometimes frustrating as I would love to talk about things that are going on, but I know he just needs quiet to let his mind and body recover. It's only a little while longer. He will be finished with this 3 week round of testing on Friday, and will begin a new segment on electrical. That should be more enjoyable as he seems to have a knack for it.

I guess it's 25 days and counting. We've almost made it.

As a Numbness Settles Over the Desert

2009-07-23T20:52:00.003-07:00

It was terribly anti-climactic. The ecstatic feelings from the night before, bled into a gray haze as day after day he returned home in a state of turmoil from the day's efforts. Pain, frustration, and anger greeted me each time he walked through the door and threw down his gear.

Is there a haze in his focus and determination? It's now dampened. The spark of excitement, that only weeks before surrounded him, is dim and tired. I gather the strength of years ago and maintain the rock I once provided to him, as he healed from injuries that were deep inside him.

Has the weight of understanding the two-wheeled beasts taken away his love of the creatures? The healing power of "The Ride" evades him, even now, as he mounts his steed to be whisked off to the world of Technicians and Teachers.

Perhaps a gathering of like minds would help to heal his soul, as they talk of past journeys and conquests of the open road; each one igniting a small flame and extinguishing the darkness.

Is That Light Up Ahead?

2009-07-16T19:41:00.002-07:00

When things are at their darkest, it is comforting to know that we have caring and generous family that seems to come along with a light bulb, just in the nick of time. I have been stumbling around in the dark so much that the light that was provided brought tears to my eyes. I am so grateful for their kindness.

It's easier to carry a burden when you can see where you are going. The path is smoother, you can see the ceiling of the tunnel so you don't bump your head; mine has gotten quite lumpy lately. And the beautiful light up ahead is amazing. So, we move forward with a straighter stance and some confidence in our steps and look forward to seeing what the world is like at the end of the tunnel.

Hopes Dashed and Uncertain Future

2009-07-15T20:58:00.002-07:00

I've been trying to figure out how we can manage to make it to the next part of our journey. We barely tread water to maintain an existence for the past 10 months and now are on the brink of completing the first leg. We have been basically camping out in our apartment, foregoing eating out and having much in the way of furniture or other niceties. It's been very difficult emotionally and now the end is in sight.

But with only 6 weeks to go, I can't see past the end of his classes. There is no light at the end of this tunnel, only darkness. To be employed as a mechanic, he must have his own tools, and they must be of professional quality. To be employed, we must go to where the work is, but there is no way to get there, not to mention no way to find housing without the funds for the deposit and first month's rent. We have no moving fund, no savings, no safety net to catch us when we fall. That has been exhausted trying to survive the first 7 months when I wasn't able to find any work other than a part-time cashier job.

We're so close and yet miles away. I contacted the financial aid office at his school to see if there are any funds left over from his student loans that might be able to help us. But they told me there was nothing available. They recommended another type of student loan that we would have to pursue with an outside organization, but it is credit-based and so unattainable. We have had no extra money available to pay for anything other than rent, food, and utilities, and so creditors have rated us poorly.

It appears that we will be left to find work in Phoenix after he graduates. I can probably stay with my current job, though my position is considered temporary, but we don't know if there will be any openings at the local BMW motorcycle dealer. It feels like this whole year has been for nothing. All the work and sacrifices were just pipe dreams and now we are left to wallow in the muck left behind in our pursuit of a new beginning.

Why does this happen? It looked like this was the direction we were intended to go, but now it seems like some big sick joke. Couldn't we have at least been left in a place with a better climate? The heat just eats away at my energy and since we don't turn the air conditioner on much, the apartment is often on the stuffy side.

OK, I am grateful for my job, for without it we wouldn't have gotten this far. The insurance has been a huge help. We do have a roof over our heads, regardless of the questionable surroundings, we are not out on the street. Perhaps this will lead us somewhere else, but what of all the intense training Cameron has endured? What was that for? Again, I fail to see the humor in this. I feel more fear and sadness than anything. A more anti-climactic ending than expected, like the music crescendoed and suddenly stopped; and there is dead silence.

When Tired, Temptations & Distractions Are Most Appealing

2009-07-05T16:46:00.002-07:00

As we draw closer to the end of our current journey, we are finding ourselves more and more tired of towing the line. Exhaustion and months of frustration thrown in our paths creates a strong desire to give up, even though we are almost done.

It's strange how little things that used to easily sideline us in the early throws of this trek into the unknown, have become so large. The desires for more enjoyment and fun have been held at bay during the struggles to avail, but now they taunt us and dare us to veer off course and into the abiss.

We have been existing for the past 10 months, hunkering down behind a financial wall that is demolished, one brick at a time. Now, with very little left of our wall, we are fearful of what we cannot protect ourselves from. How will we make it to the next phase of our adventure and will we survive it?

There are 8 more weeks before graduation. 8 weeks to purchase a tool box and tools. 8 weeks to gather first and last month's rent for our new home, as well as moving expenses. 8 weeks until our lives get turned upside down again, of course for the better, but never the less dismantled and reconstructed.

I am told that over the next several weeks, there will be plenty of overtime opportunities where I work. What that means exactly, is yet to be seen. I got in 6 hours last week. I am hoping that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I think we can find a decent tool box on Craig's List for a reasonable price. Used will do to get started. Soon he will be called to the placement office to begin working on a resume and to find out where the openings are. They start doing it between 6-9 weeks of graduation. Once we have a better idea as to where we will be moving to, it will be easier to form a tangible plan. Until then, bouts of panic strike at ill timed moments and anxiety is trapped in our dreams.

Tag-Teaming and Sculpey

2009-06-26T22:19:00.002-07:00

Cameron and I have a knack for mood swinging and self-flagellation. Fortunately, we are on opposite cycles. Meaning, most of the time we are on level ground with each other. But when one is down, the other is feeling pretty strong and able to help. We've done this from the start and it's worked out well for us. The last few days it's been my turn to be down.

It seems so simple. Everyone should know it and not need to be given permission, but I did. I've been beaten down in the past and the after-effects still linger and raise their ugly little heads now and then. So, Cameron told me that I had every bit as much right to be who I am, as everybody else does. That my place, here and now, was just as important and it was OK for me to take it.

It's funny how that can matter and the impact it can have for someone on the slippery slopes of feeling worthless. The dark clouds roll away and sun begins to rise.

That's what led me to get some Sculpey. It's a modeling clay that hardens when baked. I used to make things with it and the mere process of molding it in my hands was calming and bode of fanciful notions ahead. Yesterday I bought some. I haven't started making anything yet, but it feels good just to have it nearby in case the inspiration hits me. It speaks of whimsy and freeing thoughts, whispering to me as it sits on my desk. The box has been opened, but the magic is still inside.

Car's Back, But the Never-Ending Void Continues

2009-06-23T20:16:00.002-07:00

I thought it would be good to get the car back from the mechanic so soon. I wouldn't have to depend on Cameron so much and would beat the summer heat of standing on a bus stop in the afternoon to go home.

It's just another phantom of progress and promise. I say phantom because it has slowly become a money pit for us. I regret not settling for the motorcycle I had available to me for transportation. The car has become a leach that sucks the hope for getting ahead out of our existence.

When we picked it up tonight, after dropping a total of $430 into this repair, we were informed that it would need another repair on the air conditioning in the very near future, lest the car seize up on me while I am driving it. We had to borrow some of the money to pay for this one. We put $350 into it not 3 months ago and more into it about 3 months before that.

The topic of this four-wheeled menace creates tension and guilt. It's not worth the ending results. I wish I could take it all back, or somehow make things right. Unfortunately, we're already into it too deep to turn back, and so it sits hungrily outside. Waiting for its next feast. Waiting to drain more life from our journey.

End of a Busy Weekend, But What Else is New?

2009-06-21T21:32:00.003-07:00

Here I am. I'm a little dizzy and exhausted, depressed, but relieved.

Weird, huh?

Last week I had a CT scan done of my abdomen because I was still having some pain, but it felt different. Gee, guess what?! The stone is still there. My offered choices:

1. try a non-FDA approved approach by taking a medication meant to relieve symptoms in men with prostate problems that will hopefully expand the normally 6mm passageway, that the 8mm stone must pass through, to at least that diameter to achieve the desired effect. All the while consuming mass amounts of water to attempt to flush the thing out. It makes me feel tired and sometimes dizzy.
2. make an appointment with a urologist to have it removed by force utilizing any number of less than enticing methods.

I chose #1. Unfortunately, I haven't seen any sign of this invader of my kidneys. Pain-sharp to barely detectable-has annoyed me all weekend. In case it isn't already obvious, I'm so tired of all this. I would just go and have the darned thing removed, except for the ridiculously high deductible that my insurance company will want me to pay. I'm not sure how long I can take this medication as my doctor shared his experience as taking only 12 hours to work. I'll have to call his office tomorrow to get his take on all of this.

My car is still adorning a parking place that I can see from our livingroom window. I did contact a mechanic today who came and took a look at it. Let's see, he'll replace the steering column and part of the wiring harness. There may be additional damage, but he won't know until he gets in there and is able to really check things out. Still, he's charging reasonable rates and is certified, so I guess I will have transportation again in the next week or so.

Someone tried to steal Cameron's motorcycle last night. Thankfully, they had no idea what they were doing and only bent the ignition key opening and unplugged a wire or two. Cameron was able to bend the opening so he could get the key in to start the bike and no wiring was damaged, so that was a relief. Just what we would have needed, both vehicles out of commission!

I'm having troubles lately, feeling like I have no real control over my existence. I'm not talking philosophically, literally. I function as a cog to some means that seems to drop out of sight in front of me. I've been functioning at everyone else's schedules; my supervisor, the bus drivers', the stores', the traffic's, Cameron's school's-all just push me along. Even the 8mm rock inside me controls my actions.

Having the car back will help greatly. I dread needing to run errands or get to an appoinment. I either have to ask for a ride or navigate the bus system during increasingly hotter days. What should take an hour to do, takes several and I spend too much time in the sun, inhaling exhaust from passing cars. Thank goodness for sunscreen and inhalers.

My next task, after the dust has settled from all of this, will be to try to secure a sleep study. That, as well, is part of the deductible, but I don't feel that I can continue to function on the troubled nights' sleep that only brings fatigue in the morning. I can't remember the last time I woke up feeling rested. I think it was probably back in high school sometime.

I'm sorry for the down attitude of this post. I'm just tired of having to try so hard all the time. Even the bumpiest roads have smooth spots now and then, even places to stop in the shade to rest. I just need a little break, a chance to catch my breath, maybe even let my toes walk in some soft grass. That's all.

An Unwelcome Change

2009-06-13T22:32:00.002-07:00

Cameron and I began on a motorcycle. On our first date, he took me up to Tehachapi for dinner. It was cold and exciting. We've logged thousands of miles on two wheels in the almost 4 years that we've been together. We have planned to ride to Alaska together, maybe even do a world ride.

Now, I fear it's all really just a dream.

About 7 years ago, I had this crazy idea to take ice skating lessons with my daughter; sort of a mother-daughter sort of thing. I've never been good at the sport and that continued to ring true during the lessons that followed. I took a bad fall on my knees (yes, I know you're not supposed to fall forward.) My doctor couldn't see anything broken on the x-rays so just prescribed some pain medication and ice packs for the bruising and swelling. Well, I'm stubborn. I went back on the ice a week later for another lesson. Unfortunately, I was really afraid of falling again and that fear played itself out in another fall. I was done with the skating idea. My knees healed, but occasionally bothered me.

Fast forward a few years and Cameron and I are out on a little mountain road, just off Angeles Crest Highway. It's amazing how fast a motorcycle can remove itself from under a rider. In an instant we were tossed on the pavement due to some sand on the road in a blind curve. I landed on my knees, again.

Well, apparently back in my ice skating days, I had successfully dislocated my knee caps. The doctor was only looking for breaks and both knees looked the same so he missed it. 2 years ago, the pain in my right knee became unbearable and it was surgically corrected, but the years of misalignment had created a hole in my cartilage. It acts up frequently and has shortened some of our more ambitious ride.

Now the left one is becoming increasingly painful. I can only handle short rides on the bike and I know that fact hurts Cameron. We ride. That's what we love to do and want to keep doing. I just can't manage it. Perhaps future surgery will correct my left knee, but my right has caused riding problems since the surgery to fix it. The doctor said it would never be the same.

That hurts. Last weekend, Cameron went on a long ride with a friend from school. It was OK, since there was no way I could manage such an endeavor, and I happily took care of some long overdue cleaning around the apartment. But still, I don't want it to always be like that. I love the adventure and just spending the day with him exploring places we've never been. It's not the same in a car.

What this boils down to is having patience. Patience to accept my current situation. Patience to wait for insurance that will cover the needed care. Patience to wait and see what the future holds. It can't be the end of our "gonzo" road trips and playing "where does this road go?" I know, patience.

Touch and Go: Faith in the Future

2009-06-07T20:50:00.002-07:00

The last several days have been daunting at times. The push forward harder than imagined and, thus, my faith that things will work out in the end has been tried on more than one occasion. Tried, but it did prevail.

I've lamented in the past, about how "Customer Service Representative" seems to be less about service and more about commando practices used in getting off the phone as soon as possible. I have come to the conclusion that, since the company I work for is a private contractor for a larger organization, the actual "customer" is the organization/client that hires us to perform this service. They are the ones who liked my company's statistics regarding call times and number of calls handled. Thus, the callers are merely part of this grand statistical scheme.

You see, mid-week, I was called into an office by my supervisor and told that I was being put on an "improvement plan". This means that I have a month to bring my call time down to the mandated level on a consistent basis, and must show acceptable improvement along the way or I may be released from the company. Shape up or ship out.

I did some soul-searching and came to the above mentioned conclusion. It feels "dirty" to not inform callers of pitfalls ahead, or problems with their applications that will, no doubt, bite them later down the road. The name of the game is: only answer their questions and only examine their application closer if so noted in the "comments" part of the computer screen.

Well, the next day I cut my call time drastically by following those guidelines. They were given to me by my supervisor and fellow workers who have fantastic call times. I went home feeling both triumphant that I will be able to fulfill the expectations of my superiors, and, also, like I let the people down that called for my help.

That day, I was told by my ecstatic supervisor and manager, that my request for a shift change had been granted and I would be notified of my new hours next week. A reward for proving that I could tow the line? Who knows, but it will be nice to have hours that more closely fit Cameron's.

The next day, Saturday, I felt awful. The "kidney stone" pains are back, but different. They started back last weekend and have hung around on a more consistent basis, but milder. So, I called my doctor and left a message that I still need to take the test, that I had previously canceled, as the pain had returned. I'm getting really sick of this.

Today, I have been a little better, pain-wise, but overall yucky. We needed groceries so I headed out in the late afternoon while there was a little cloud cover, which made it nice out. I parked the car and started wandering the isles of the store. An announcement over the store's loudspeaker caught my attention, "Will the owner of a black Saturn please come to the front of the store?" At first, I thought, that can't be about my car, though someone might have bumped into it. OK, I'll check it out. At the front of the store, I was greeted by a man in a red vest, who's name tag indicated he was the manager.

He said it looked like my car had caught fire. Thick, black, smoke had begun pouring out from under the hood so they called the fire department. I went out to the parking lot and saw no smoke. A couple of young guys were out gathering carts and hanging around my car. They told me about the smoke, apparently it was enough that it lifted the hood a little. It smelled odd, kind of like burned plastic, with an electrical nuance to it. Great! Now what?!

While I was surveying the situation under the hood, a fire engine pulled up and guys in baggy pants strolled up to the car to offer assistance. Confident that there was no longer any danger, they disconnected the battery and made sure I had things worked out regarding getting home, then left. I didn't see anything that looked burned, but there was a lot of sooty, carbon-like, substance along the passenger side of the firewall, and on the underside of the hood.

Since we'll be relying on the motorcycle for a while, I made sure to stock up on groceries so the car would be utilized, regardless of its condition. Thanks to AAA, I got the car and groceries home. I need to see about getting some overtime hours in so I can start saving for repairs. With my new schedule, it should be easier to find opportunities for the extra time as it's usually offered during the hours I regularly work.

Only 3 more months. That's all we have to last here.

Cameron checked with the career center at school and found out that between 6-9 weeks before graduation is when students will start courting their potential employers. It is recommended that a few locations, not a huge number, be focused on. I've been looking at potential places to relocate, using a list of US dealerships that he was given.

Researching makes it more real. Sometimes, it's hard to look ahead and see success. That's where faith comes in. We've had our share of falling on our faces, then dusting ourselves off to continue on. We always come out of it, usually a little wiser for it. For us, it's the bumpy, muddy, road that we choose. The experiences along the way enrich us and provide insight that we may have never arrived at, should we have taken the easy path.

Update and Getting More Than I Expected

2009-05-17T21:02:00.002-07:00

Ah, the kidney stone. Like many births, the time leading up to it was the hardest, and like a grown child, it left with little fanfare.

OK, that was a little corny, but it apparently left at some time since I have no more pain. I'm a little disappointed because I was really curious about what this small object looked like. Yes, it's a little gross, but I am fascinated by odd things.

----

A relationship relies on the partners being able to tag-team each other; to help the other out. When one stumbles and loses sight of the big picture, the other is there to offer a hand and be strong. It works both ways. It must.

We help each other grow, nourishing the new-found ideas and abilities. Ever vigilant of the bugs that may eat away at the buds. Teaching and sharing, holding together in safety. Dusting off the day to day grime that can gather on leaves.

He called me his angel shortly after we met. I was here to take care of him and strengthen him for what may lie ahead. Little did I know that he, too, was an angel. He's taught me about life and shown me who I am inside. He's nurtured my small sparks of life and they have grown stronger and taller.

We're together in this garden, with roots entwined, nourishing each other's soul and standing strong against the weeds that sometimes threaten our existance; even when water is scarce and we thirst for the coming rain.

On Giving Birth to a Kidney Stone

2009-05-11T09:52:00.002-07:00

What is it with kidney stones? I always thought they were little round objects that passed through the system with little need for worry. Upon doing some research on WebMD.com, I found that they are not nice little round, easily passed, objects. Instead they are crystalline (meaning jagged) and painful when they get to be of much size.

For weeks, maybe a month or so, I've had discomfort and attributed it to any number of internal upsets we humans are prone to. Last week I found out that I am expecting an 8mm "bundle of joy". At least that's what it feels like.

As is usually the case, I have received stories from others about their experiences. "Wow, that's a big one!" The horrible pain, the frustration, the procedures and tests. Thank you for lifting my spirits!

The waiting and wondering, the pain as it moves about. Of course, it's too small to punch me in the side or do aerobics on my bladder, but it definitely has impacted my life, at this time. My doctor told me to expect delivery Saturday, as Friday evening I was in excruciating pain for several hours. False labor?

So, now it is Monday morning and still no sign of it. I continue the consumption of 3+ quarts of water daily and hope for a smooth delivery.

Customer Service?

2009-04-18T23:44:00.003-07:00

Empathy. The American Heritage Dictionary defines it as:

NOUN:

Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives.

I, often too easily, feel others' feelings and sense their pain and frustration, happiness and triumphs. I guess my empathy dial is turned up just a little too high. It gets in the way of professional duties and adds to my emotional drainage. At the end of the day, I feel sucked dry.

It has come in handy in some of the professions I have pursued, counseling, working with at risk youth, sharing what I have to bolster them where they hurt. Helping them toward the end of the tunnel when no end seems possible.

My current job is helping people wade through paperwork to be able to receive assistance to go to college. The hope and fear I hear in "older" people going back to school, the frustration of the non-computer generation trying to cope with the demands of our ever-increasing paperless world that seems very hostile and confusing; I am cheerleader, computer tech., hand-holder, and listener. I bite my tongue while being berated by controlling fathers and irate teenagers.

Call times must be brief, but at the same time questions answered. I hear the relief in callers' voices when I walk them through a difficult section that other representatives refused to take the time to do. I've cheered with callers who finally made it through the last part of the process, and consoled those who have to begin again due to some mistake they made.

The question is how do I do my job to best of my ability, while still keeping the calls at the extreme briefest length? I feel guilty ending a call when I know the caller will be having to call back in 5 minutes because they are heading towards a difficult part to navigate, or are obviously lost beyond the one question they initially asked.

We are told to only answer their questions and move on. It's fine if they have to call back a dozen times and only fed small tidbits of information and cut off before they can recall another issue they are having. It changes the meaning of "customer service representative". Of course, as long as they are calling back, there will be a need for representatives, but at a cost to those we are serving.

So, each day I wage a battle with my desire to help the people I speak with and the monitor that times my calls. In the end I am exhausted. I give what I can, in encapsulated form, and move on; haunted by the fear, frustration, and insecurity in the voice of the person I just left hanging as I abruptly end the call.

All The Hours I Can Eat!

2009-02-24T23:08:00.002-07:00

Wow, 61+ hour weeks! I never would have pictured myself working this kind of schedule; luckily, it's only for a couple of weeks. This is crunch time for students applying for $ aid and many states have Mar. 1st as their deadline. Thus, the extra hours to help all those people rushing to get their applications in in time.

So far, I really like my job. I see myself as, not only someone there to guide them through the process, but as a cheerleader of sorts, to keep their spirits up as they tackle the aid process. Lots of people get so worried and frustrated when it doesn't go right the first time, that they call us and we have to unwind them a litttle to get them to the point that we can get useful information out of them. I have fun with it and get them laughing.

My supervisor is great as well as those who work around me. I sometimes have trouble focusing on the caller when the hum of the room gets too loud. I don't know how many people are actively working on "the floor" at any given time, but there have been instances where it sounded like a giant beehive. Very odd sensation.

Last weekend we went to a motorcycle parts store to get a battery for the Suzuki. We met a guy there that does alot of work on his own bikes and has lived in Phoenix for a number of years. I asked him if he knew of any reputable car repair shops in Phoenix and he recommended one that I'm going to check out. I'm so tired of my car leaving puddles everywhere I park, not to mention having to refill the reservoirs of the leaking parts every other day. Perhaps they can give me some insight into the other things wrong with it.

I just realized that I haven't written for about 3 weeks. Almost that long ago, my car got broken into. They tried to steal it and must have been amateurs. They used a screw driver and drilled out my entire ignition switch. So, now I have this inch+ diameter conical hole where the ignition switch is supposed to be, thus I am hotwiring my car to start it. Cameron made a wire plug in arrangement for me under the dash so I can start it up pretty quickly. The main drawback is that I have to carry around a couple of ignition wires, as well as my keys to open the doors. Last weekend I locked my keys in the car because I hadn't put them all the way in my purse and they dropped on the seat on my way out. Thank goodness for AAA!

JarJar is doing well. I gave up on trying to keep their food separate, so switched to the prescription dry food a little earlier than was recommended, but now they can eat the same thing and it is out all the time. Apparently, he has been have some trouble with this for a long time. For as long as I have been his "mom", he has had cat box issues (refusing to pee in the box) and now he is readily using it. I wish I had been aware of this before, it would have saved us a lot of worry about the carpets in our rentals getting smelly.

Well, I have done about all the unwinding I can afford to do. I need to get to bed. Good Night!

Furry Feline Turns Household Upside Down

2009-02-06T20:47:00.002-07:00

There's been a lot of change here, lately. The biggest being the start of my new job. Well, technically, I haven't started doing the actual job that I have been hire for. For the first 3 weeks I'm in training, getting my head stuffed with as much as anyone would ever care to know about the financial aid process, or at least, where to find it. This first week went well and each day I walked out of the building feeling like there must have been strands of information hanging out of my ears, or anywhere else in my head that they might find a hole to ooze out of.

Then there's coming home to our four-legged trio, Tuesday, Allie, and JarJar (yes, that's Binks). Since Monday, they have all been placed on a twice a day feeding regimine. Though that is probably better for them, it has created quite an adjustment for us humans. You see, last Friday JarJar wandered into the livingroom and attempted to pee on the carpet in front of us. He followed this with a planitiff MEOW that told us he was not in good shape.

Urinary blockages are not unknown to me, having dealt with it with a previous family kitty. I looked it up in my trusty "Taking Care of Your Cat" book to verify his symptoms and the flow chart on the page directed me to get him to the vet immediately. Thankfully, I wasn't working at Petsmart that day so it wasn't difficult for me to attend to our poor boy. It took calls to a couple of vets to find one that could see him TODAY.

So, over $1100 and 3 days later I brought him home. Actually, it wasn't exactly that easy. In addition to 2 medications to be given twice a day for the next week or so, there are dietary changes. For the cats, who are used to having a bowl of dry food out all the time, to nibble on throughout the day, it is a challenge.

JarJar has prescription canned food that he is supposed to eat, for at least a few weeks, then we can switch to the prescription dry food for both of them (of course it's a lot more expensive.) Allie could stand to lose some weight so the controlled feedings are probably good for her, but since we can't leave the regular dry food out for her, she is getting some canned food, as well. Just not the same kind. The main problem is that they have to be closely monitored when they eat because JarJar has decided that Allie's food smells much better than his does.

Now Tuesday, well, it is quite likely that JarJar's love of her food is what got him into this mess, to begin with. Thus, she can no longer have her daily ration of dry food left out for her to graze on throughout the day. In order to get her to eat a meal in one sitting, I am now mixing a little canned food in with her dry food. Works great.

One of the many reasons I like to feed everyone dry food is the lack of any major odor from it. Now that canned food is the rage in our household, it seems like all I can smell anymore is that awful canned food. I mean it's permeated my sinuses. At work I have passing awareness of that smell on several occassions throughout the day. Our kitchen is very small and separated from the livingroom by a small breakfast bar. It seems to cascade over the bar into that area. The fact that they are fed on the counters most likely doesn't help, but it's the only way to keep the dog out of their food and to easily monitor them. (One eats on the left side of the sink, the other the right.)

My morning starts at least a half hour earlier than it would have the previous week, in order to attend to the "starving" beasties that have been stripped of their ability to engage in late night snacking. When I come home, I am greeted by 3 eager faces, watching my every move to make sure I don't forget to feed them and loudly announcing their plight. I'm looking forward to the dry food switch. It comes out cheaper than the canned food and I can get back to an easier feeding routine. Tuesday will have to remain on the 2 meal plan, in order to keep JarJar from pilfering her meals.

It's amazing how such a small creature can have such a huge impact on our lives. Of course, anyone who shares their home to one, or more, will attest to both the positive and negative points to this sort of relationship. I know I will get used to the new situation and it is best for everyone (at least for the furry ones of the household). Perhaps that is the feline in me, uncomfortable with changes to my routines and the offering of strange-smelling food!

The Tide is Turning

2009-01-23T19:55:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I went for a job interview with a company that contracts with the federal government to provide call center services for various programs. By the end of the day, I had a new job!

It pays $2.30 more an hour than Petsmart and is full-time, with company paid benefits. Finally, some benefits! We've been without for 9 month, so far, and it is an insecure place to be. I start on the 2nd. I'm going to keep a foot in the door at Petsmart, at least for a little while, by working for a few hours on Saturdays. My new job is Monday through Friday and I got to pick my shift. We'll see how all this goes in the coming weeks.

This has boosted moral here and given us some hope for the coming months. Between my new job and whatever Cameron finds for part time work, we should be able to make ends meet through August with what's left of our savings. Cameron will be done with classes near the end of August, so we will be moving to wherever our new home is, then. Most students have a job waiting for them by the time they graduate.

As far as everything else goes, we're doing OK. The 4-legged beasts are happy and well. I do wish we had a yard for them to play in. We have a doggy door in one of our sliding doors that lets them out to the balcony, but we have quite a lot of stuff out there so there's not much play room. Allie's often sprawled out on the floor, on her back, in a patch of sunshine from one of our living room windows. Tuesday hangs out in the closet or under the bed when we're not home. She gets so scared when she hears noises outside. (This complex is much noisier than the one we were in, in Albuquerque.) JarJar, well, he's JarJar. He usually naps on our bed or in some corner of the living room. (Often he sits by the sink in the bathroom and watches himself in the mirror.)

Cameron's been doing exceptionally well with his classes. I'm quite proud of his transformation from one who is afraid to change the oil on his bike (when I first met him almost 4 years ago) to being able to rebuild and trouble-shoot bikes. Very cool! I'm not sure how much longer he will be in the general motorcycle classes, before he moves into the BMW-specific classes, but that will be an interesting change. I'm looking forward to seeing his further growth in that area and enjoying his increased confidence in his abilities. More cool stuff.

As for me, I'm just taking care of business. Keeping the household intact and doing my best to help us stay afloat. The new job has taken an incredible weight off my shoulders and that is huge. I'm still searching for meaning, but my faith has increased. I don't have a clear sense of what that means, exactly, but I don't feel so alone these days.

2009-01-16T23:39:00.003-07:00

Tonight I searched for a book that I was reminded about by someone close, but I couldn't find it. Instead I uncovered a couple of books that are interpretations of the Tao Te Ching; The Couple's Tao Te Ching, and The Sage's Tao Te Ching. They were purchased on 2 separate occasions from a little shop in Cambria, CA, during our many trips to the coast.

The first one, joined our lives a few weeks after Cameron and I had met. I used to randomly open the book daily and email the passage to him at work. So, I opened it to a page and found "A Field of Dreams":

You do not exist to fulfill each other's dreams,
but to show each other the place
where these hopes are born.
Do not impose your dreams upon each other.
You must each follow the images
that arise within your own hearts.
But you can create for each other an open field
where dreams can grow and flourish.
~
Do not try to "tweek" or modify
the dreams of your beloved.
These are deeply personal
and must be treated with great respect.
Giving help and encouragement to each other
in the following of dreams
is good and proper.
But the dreams themselves are sacred
and must be given great respect.

Another book I came across, "The Language of Positive Thinking", I did the same with it and found a passage about being free. Free of guilt, resentment, blame, fear, discouragement, and worry. It describes the search for this freedom as not for "timid souls. The road inside is cluttered with all sorts of baggage and illusions as well as erroneous beliefs that have come etched on your mind. Your key to freedom lies in your power to control your thoughts."

For me, this follows what I've embarked on, my search for spirituality, and it is also part of my search for my dreams. In the past I have denounced my dreams for the sake of pleasing others and found resentment and sadness. It got to the point where I couldn't find myself any more, let alone what my dreams were. By not respecting my own dreams and my own needs, I opened the door for others to do the same.

Thankfully, Cameron has always encouraged me to find myself and to be the best "me" that I can be. I guess I fell back into old habits and let myself fall by the wayside, getting lost somewhere along the road. Bit by bit I'm finding the stray pieces, like breadcrumbs along the path I've just come along. Retracing my steps, I hope to find where I wandered take a hard look at what was going on in my head at the time. Perhaps to avoid a similar mishap in the future.

Searching for Faith and Finding Meaning

2009-01-13T23:21:00.002-07:00

Last night was a terrible night, riddled with insomnia, night sweats, and insistent bouts of restless leg syndrome. I have been fairly free of this level of discomfort for almost a year, so when it came on, I wasn't prepared. In the past, expensive medications were always available to ease me back to a comfort level that allowed me to drift back off to dreamy destinations. Not so last night, perhaps tonight, as well.

Today, I felt beat up and my legs weak. I called in to work to see if my schedule could be switched with someone else, my manager said he'd take care of it. (Yes, the same one I mentioned earlier.) So I spent a good portion of the day trying to figure out my spiritual quandary by reading "Sermon on the Mount".

It's not exactly the kind of book you do in one day, but I don't always find the time to read, especially something that might be "good for me". Digging into the difficult text brought me some enlightenment, and some frustration. At times I felt like I should have a dictionary handy in order to figure out what the author was trying to say, and that distracts me from the point that I am trying to understand. (If you write a book or story for the masses, it needs to be of a vocabulary level that the masses will understand. Throwing "scholarly" words throughout the pages only separates those who will actually get the point you are trying to make. OK, climbing off my soapbox, I'll continue...)

Needless to say, it has given me some things to think about. I then proceeded to begin reading "Man's Search for Meaning", that has been recommended to me. I have only gotten about half way through it, but it comes out of a different direction as a means to understand what I feel so lacking.

I lament about my losses and needs; hunger for a "better" life, in a nicer place. I have accepted my job, my apartment, my financial situation as a "lot" that I have drawn. I have lost focus of the things that make up my "home"; my husband, our 4-legged beasties, faith in knowing that we can handle whatever comes our way, as a family. I remember writing in my blog, when Cameron was in the hospital, that I had found considerably more strength than I thought I could possibly muster. I knew that I would not be given any more than I could handle. I'm doing my best to rally that faith that it will all work out in time, that the world will not end, and that through all of this, I will learn more about myself.

On Lost Faith and Finding the Road to Spirituality

2009-01-11T20:22:00.002-07:00

It's been a tense and exhausting weekend. My manager at Petsmart is a jerk, plain and simple. He lacks people skills and doesn't seem to know about leading by example. It's made it difficult to put in the hours lately. I'm sending out resumes as fast as I can, but doing a physical follow-up is difficult until the car is fixed, which should be in the next couple of days.

As far as the car is concerned, one charge is getting me to and from work, barring any traffic snafus. One evening there was an accident and traffic slowed to a crawl for a couple of blocks. 4 blocks from home, the instrument panel dials stopped working and the lights dimmed. I crept it in the last block with very little power. I'll be happy to have a working alternator soon.

I guess it makes sense that as major issues clear up, other ones become apparent. I've been on edge a lot and I guess the whole thing came to a head last night, revealing a nasty case of PTSD. I had concerns about it almost a year ago, but was focusing on Cameron's well-being and all the stuff he was going through. I guess, now it's time to address my issues.

I have a lot of negativity raging inside me; mostly fear, loss, and anger. None of these things were allowed to be displayed during Cameron's lengthy healing process. At least that's what I thought would be best for him. Now it's exploding like some sort of nasty abscess and I'm trying to make sense of all the pieces.

Cameron and I used to talk about faith and spirituality. Not in a particular religious sense, but discussing various philosophies and how maintaining a positive energy flow was important to keeping positive things coming in our direction. He's voiced concerns about my lack of spiritual awareness these days. I have trouble finding hope and and find myself focusing on what is wrong with our situation, rather than what is right.

I think is was early in Cameron's recovery that my faith was finally snuffed out. Every day was a grind of fear and fatigue. Patience was put above all else, because that was what I needed most to get through each step back. So that was my mantra as I watched him try to do more than he should and as I took the verbal backlash as he swore against my concerns. I was in my own little hell sometimes and faith just wasn't to be found.

So, today we discussed my situation and how to remedy it, or at least to get me through it until we can get some professional assistance, after insurance. I need to find that positive self that I used to have. There are glimpses of it off and on, but to maintain it is difficult. Crying has become a frequent pasttime.

Meditation has been recommended, though I don't know how I can quiet the endless chatter inside my brain. I guess it's something learned. Cameron regularly reads Sermon on the Mount, by Emmet Fox, and has recommended that I try it. I guess it's all a start. I feel hesitant, though, perhaps even fearful of epening that part of me. I don't really know why, except that maybe the sad place I've been frequenting lately is so much easier to fall into.

Well, here goes...
Chapter 1...

Seeing Things for What They Are

2009-01-07T14:22:00.002-07:00

Since making the move to Phoenix, I've had a hard time maintaining a positive attitude about our situation. It's been a daily ritual to remind myself of why we're here and of the light at the end of the tunnel. Slipping and falling into depressive slump is an on-going peril that I sometimes have difficulty navigating around.

It's been hard. Employment has been tricky, especially since so many local establishments are closed or closing, creating more people who are looking for work. I'm thankful for the hours I'm getting at Petsmart, but even they have been cut during the belt-tightening process that's so pervasive here. I continue to apply for better paying positions, but so far, that hasn't produced any positive results. The further insult of transportation difficulties only made things worse.

Perhaps that tide is beginning to change. Last week, Cameron applied some of his new-found knowledge to my car. He learned that electrical problems can mimic others. So, he checked the battery, it was a goner. After replacing it, he found that it wasn't being charged, the alternator is bad. Well, that's cheaper to replace than the transmission, so as soon as the repair manual that I ordered arrives, we'll get to work on replacing it. The transmission is still a little shaky, but hopefully, this will keep me on the road at least another six months. For now, we charge the battery every night so I can drive to work and back.

Another positive note, it looks like Cameron will be returning to his old job at Oreck, repairing vacuum cleaners. That will help counter the constant leak from what is left from our retirement funds. I still need to find something full-time, or at least part-time with better pay than I'm getting now, but every added dollar helps.

One of the things that has suffered during this time is the online magazine. I haven't had much interest in maintaining it or working on the podcast. I'm trying to change that, so this week I started sprucing it up here and there and clearing the dark mush from my brain. It's work, but it's something that I need to do to try to normalize things again.

My writing has suffered, as well. It felt like I had lost part of me when my laptop was stolen. I had poured so much emotion into the files, so much pain, that I thought I was done having to feel or remember. It was incredibly disheartening to realize it was gone and I would have to start over. I'm trying to work on it again. It's taking a different life this time, and perhaps it's for the better. My first work was raw and full of hurt, and maybe that needed to pass so I could attend to the real story. I guess we'll see what comes of it.

A very wise man, who was my mentor and supervisor during my stint as a social worker, kept emphasizing the importance of the "process" of going from point A to point B, both in the physical and intellectual/emotional aspects of a project or plan. I've said it before, that the path we choose, whether it's rocky or smooth, is all part of the adventure or journey that we embarked on early in life. To be able to see past the haze and the potholes, to what is beyond their entrapment, is important.

Well, I've washed my glasses and gotten most of the smudges off. Perhaps I'll be able to see better now.

Gifts from Strangers

2009-01-07T13:41:00.003-07:00

Well, OK, I didn't exactly get back to this the next day. Actually, I've been nursing along a very personal gift from my seat mate during the majority of my ride home.

I didn't catch his name, but it doesn't really matter. He reminded me of Matthew Broderick, with his boyish face, but he was 30 and had made some decisions in his life that he wasn't all that proud of. Welcome to the club.

He was traveling from Vancouver, BC, to stay with his parents, in Tuscon, AZ, for a while. Since flights were snarled at the airports, he opted for the Greyhound bus in anticipation that it would be able to get him there quicker and with less hassle. Boy was he wrong!

I had heard about the weather conditions in Portland from the gentleman in line with me at the Bakersfield station. Well, it wasn't any better any where else in the area and so, my fellow traveler ended up staying the night there, waiting for the roads to clear.

Not wanting to spend the night at the station, he figured he could get a better night's rest at a local motel. Was he ever wrong. The place was infested with roaches (he said he was afraid to turn the light off) and the other guests were very loud, thus, he got little sleep. This detour, also, cost him the majority of his US funds. In hindsight, he new it had been foolish to not have converted more cash to US dollars, but hindsight doesn't get you very far when you have several more days ahead of you to travel.

Thankfully, he met many generous people along the way who helped him out. One gentleman actually tried to drive him to a bank so he could exchange more money, but the banks weren't open. They left him back at the station with a bag of assorted candy that they had recently purchased, and wishes for better fortune. Others bought him meals at stops along the way, or just gave him some cash.

He was overwhelmed at the friendliness of strangers, as people in the US have a poor reputation, among Canadians, as being less than good samaritans.

All in all, his trip had taken him a total of 5 long days. He missed Christmas with his family, the initial reason for his travels, and spent it on a bus full of strangers, came down with a nasty virus 2 days into his trip (that's what he shared with me), and had very little sleep. But, he came away with a better understanding of human nature, and of himself, with new plans for his future. (He had a lot of time to ponder this during his adventure.) We talked about him writing about his travels and the people he met. It's something he hadn't done before, but so was the bus ride.

We parted at the Phoenix station, with a hug and best wishes for both of us.

These strangers, who gave me glimpses into their lives, and the helpful ones who guided me on my journey, especially the man with the 4 kids who sat behind me on the first leg of my travels and translated the announcements for me (they were made in Spanish as all but 3 of us on the bus were hispanic), left me with a piece of them to take with me. I have no names, only faces, but they are embedded in my memory, right along with the holiday visit with my family.

Coming Home and Thoughts From a Greyhound Adventure

2008-12-27T21:32:00.002-07:00

I embarked in Bakersfield for the dreaded ride home, compliments of good ol' Greyhound Bus. The first leg of the trip was a 2 hour ride to the downtown Los Angeles terminal to transfer to the bus that would take me to Phoenix. During the ride, I had a pair of seats to myself and thought about the previous week, in between chapters of a book I'm reading, by Patricia Cornwell.

The first few days, it seemed like all Cameron and I did was argue. That made for a rough "vacation", at least the beginning of it. We came to some sort of understanding the last couple of days, and those were the ones that lingered as I traveled down Interstate 5 in the dark.

I anticipated this trip, since the first week we had left Bakersfield. Leaving my "little girl" behind and my family that had never been more than a couple of hours away, was really difficult for me. I had been missing them the entire time. At least that was what I thought drove my occasional tears and feelings of loss. I think what I'm really afraid of is change. When you see someone on a regular basis, the little changes that take place become part of daily life. But when time passes and these changes happen without your knowledge, they become huge. I don't want anyone to change, I want to be able to know that they will always be there, just as I left them.

Of course, that's not possible, and not fair to those I leave behind. This trip was more of a reassurance that even though I'm several states away, I can always go home. The hard part is understanding and accepting that it will never again be like it was last week, just as last year was not like the year before. And next time I visit, it will be different. I can no more hang on to the notion of the world remaining static, than I can water in my hands. Is this more of that "growing up" stuff?

The connection to the east-bound bus was daunting. Arriving at the station, I disembarked and headed to the appropriate door to await my next ride. Well, I easily found the door, but the hard part was finding the end of the line. It seemed like at least 3 bus loads of passengers were waiting with their baggage and I wondered whether they would have multiple buses or if I would be stuck in the station until the next available one pulled in, about 3 hours.

While waiting, I had an interesting conversation with the gentleman in front of me. He was quite talkative, and with little prompting, shared his exploits from the past 4 days with me.

He's a tractor-trailer delivery man. (I hadn't caught the actual job title he uses.) If a company needs one delivered to point B from point A, they call the company he works for and he goes and picks it up and drives it to its destination. Intriguing line of work. Well, it turns out that the massive storm in the Northwest caused some considerable snow and ice problems on the roads in the Portland area. Since the budget didn't allow for this sort of natural disaster, the Oregon roads department wasn't going to clear any roads or even lay down sand/salt. This made for interesting road conditions, such as 6-8 inches of ice with large "potholes" in it. Describing his harrowing travels along these roads, with a tractor/trailer, made me glad to not be driving around.

He, also, informed me that he recently found out that the divorce he thought he had 21 years ago, was never finalized. Of course, that would be a shock, but apparently his "ex-wife" had remarried. She apparently never filed the final declaration, but enjoyed taking most of their assets. I would not want to be in his shoes.

It's getting late, but I have more tales to tell. I'll add part B tomorrow.

Christmas Eve and All is not Well

2008-12-24T23:30:00.003-07:00

It started out so easy. We would go to my parent's for Christmas, taking a week from our insane schedules to relax and visit. Unfortunately, that's not how it turned out.

Cameron has been trying to fix my motorcycle so I can have some sort of transportation to take me to and from work, besides the bus. Of course, my bike has had ideas of its own and has been very uncooperative in this endeavor. More things seem to keep popping up that need fixing and that has taken all of his free morning hours. Needless to say, it's still not feeling too well.

Speaking of not feeling too well, Cameron found himself on the verge of pneumonia days before we were supposed to leave. Since my bike has been so time-consuming, and he's been feeling so terrible, he hasn't had time to work on getting his bike ready for the trip to Bakersfield.

So, since he knew it was important for me to see Madeline and my family, he suggested I go on without him, via Greyhound, and he would stay behind to recuperate and get the rest of the wrenching done. Riding a bike with a questionable tire, in windy winter conditions, with a chest cold, for 9 hours, just didn't seem like a wise option.

Fast forward, several days and here I am, wishing I had insisted on renting a car and bringing him here with me. I miss him terribly and he's home alone and miserable. This will not be a repeated performance in the future. All I can do now is try to bring some Christmas home for him and hope that will soothe his battered soul. I'm afraid I haven't had as good a time as hoped, either, due to knowing how upset and lonely Cameron is.

Tomorrow will be a nice day, with most of the family getting together and hanging out. I'll probably do most of the cooking and such, unless Dad arm wrestles me for the job. I think I'm going to need to take a long walk, or get on the treadmill for a while to get rid of the extra calories from the day.

On Friday evening, I'll head back to Phoenix and my lonely family. Cameron says the animals have been more needy and I guess I should be glad that I'm missed. It just makes it harder to be away.

On Going Home for Christmas

2008-12-09T18:38:00.003-07:00

I've been looking forward to seeing everyone at Christmas. I miss the family terribly, especially since this is the first time I've been this far away for so long. I know living away from everyone will get easier with time, but for now, 6 months has seemed far longer.

Cameron hooked up with a couple of local bands when we first got to Phoenix, but it turned out they just didn't have their stuff together. Lots of indecisiveness and being vague as to what they would be doing next made it not worth the effort. At that time, he was going to have a gig during Christmas week so I was going to fly to California and he would join me later.

Well, since the band thing went awry, we are now looking at other options. Rental cars are pretty expensive and so we're currently planning to hop on the bike for the trip. I got a backpack carrier for Tuesday, and the cats will do fine with an extra litter box and lots of food and water. The bike needs new tires and servicing so that's our main focus. At least the money put into the bike will carry over to regular use when we get back.

Ah, the car. It's still sitting in limbo and there's no estimate as to when we will arrive at a decision as to its fate. Probably won't even consider it until after the holidays.

My bike is coming along slowly. Without a garage to work in and less daylight hours, our time is somewhat limited. Add to that exhaustive classes and my bizarre work schedule, it's hard to get much done at a time. We are making progress, though. It will be fantastic to have my own transportation again. I'll definitely be needing some sort of saddlebags and/or tailbag for the bike in order to pick up groceries and such.

I'm starting to look for other work, or at least something extra to bring in more money. With the cutbacks at the store, they have reduced everyone's hours. So, instead of almost 40 a week, I'm getting almost 30. It's just not enough. I've found several possibilities, but that, too, will probably be best taken care of after the holidays. It's hard to take time off at a job you just started.

Phoenix does seem to have a winter, though not as definitive as Albuquerque's. We've had some cold breezy days and chilly nights/mornings. A pronounced difference from the days in the upper 70's just last month. It makes for cold rides to and from work.

I can't help but wonder where we'll go after he graduates. BMW has dealerships all over the world and there's only 2 campuses in the US that train certified mechanics for BMW. Apparently, most graduates have a job waiting for them when they leave MMI, so I guess we'll know some time next summer. I haven't really decided what I want to do after he gets situated and it's my turn to get some new training. I think where we move to will have a great influence on my choices, depending on what is available and our general situation at the time. What lies ahead in the coming months is totally up in the air. The only sure thing is his school, as sure as that can be, anyway.

Alot of Water Under the Bridge, and a Few Boulders

2008-12-05T23:26:00.002-07:00

It's been awhile, actually over a month, since my last post.

It got kind of crazy for a while there, and I guess I'm beginning to pull out of slump. You see, first my car started acting like it wasn't going to make it to work, let alone back again. So, I stopped driving it and Cameron had to take me to work. That sometimes meant spending several hours hanging out at a cafe nearby until it was time for my shift to start, or for him to get out of class to pick me up. If I worked 3 to 9:00, he had to drop me off at 12:30 so he could be at school by 1:00, leaving me with a couple of hours to kill. It gave me time to get some computer work done, like writing and such.

Well, that worked out fine for a couple of days, then my laptop got stolen out of the breakroom at work. It does little good to have a combination lock on a door if no one closes it. Hard lesson learned. Fortunately, our renter's insurance covered the laptop as I use it for work, namely writing. It took a few days to get the check and a few more to find a good deal on a replacement.

I'm having a harder time dealing with the lost thoughts and ideas that were stored on that piece of hardware. Naively I hadn't backed up my files, so I lost everything.

Of course, the information is in my head and can probably be regurgitated into something, perhaps better than the original work. But part of me was in that. The beginning of my book was there and in that were my deepest emotions and fears from that first day of "the accident". I laboriously expelled them into the laptop so I could finally let them rest, let myself rest. Someone took that away from me, robbed me of that peace. This weekend I'll start again, perhaps from more of a distance, and this time they will be backed up and safe from harm.

Oh, about the car. Two days after the laptop was stolen, I decided to try to drive the car to work. We were in serious need of groceries and I figured it would make at least one more trip. Well, I was wrong. On the way home from the grocery store, after a late shift, the car suddenly lost power. I was able to nurse it into a parking lot a few blocks away from the store. Unfortunately, I had no cell phone, since it had been in the laptop case when it was stolen, so I walked to a Walgreen's to use a payphone. I really missed my phone. The payphone was very dirty and I had such a poor connection that I could barely hear Cameron when I called him.

Long story short, we eventually got the car picked up by AAA and towed home, groceries and all. The final destiny for the car is yet undetermined. In the inter rem, we have pulled my motorcycle out of storage and Cameron has been hard at work doing repairs. It was damaged about a year ago and never fixed. I'm not sure when it will be ready for me to ride so, since I don't want a replay of the laptop theft, I'm getting a lot of reading done. It's nice, in that sense, since I don't take the time to read much these days, though that may change. I've gotten through several books that I had gotten a couple of years ago, but left on the shelf.

Wow, I just checked the time and it's almost midnight. I hate working the closing shift since it takes me a while to unwind, making my final bedtime late. So, good night and with laptop now in hand, I'll return to more regular postings.

Venier Caliper Days

2008-11-03T21:17:00.003-07:00

This evening I had one of my "why me, why us" moments. It was brief, but still made its appearance; something that has been more frequent these days.

Why do we always seem to take the bumpiest, longest "road" to get anywhere? Where are the easy routes, and why are they so often obscured from our vision? Aren't we all using the same map, or are some people gifted with the latest and greatest, while the rest of us muddle through with outdated information and blurred print?

I think it's because we, Cameron and I, need to take the time to understand our surroundings and digest where we've been. There are lessons in each mile that we didn't learn the last time we came through these parts, but ones that we can now figure out if we put our heads together. Sometimes the lessons are painful and the routes run through old scars of past trips. Rather than breeze through the rocky terrain, anxious to move ahead, we stop and discuss other potential, perhaps more scenic, routes through the same locale.

Cameron is finished with the theory portion of his training. Today he spent several hours learning tedious details and methods for using a "venier caliper". It is used to measure engine parts and other things that relate to the motorcycle. (I have to admit that as he told me about it, my mind stuck on the name of the device, mulling it over in my head, as he was relaying the more technical information about it.) Anyway, he spent the better part of today's 5 hour class studying about this instrument, only to be informed, in the end, that it is considered an antiquated device which has been replaced with a digital version that does much of the work for you. Without this knowledge of the outdated caliper, would he appreciate the value of what he has to work with today and in the future.

The long way around, the rockiest path, the faded map; in the last 3 1/2 years I have learned more about me, and about relationships, than I had in the previous 44. Our combined knowledge and experience, mixed with a lot of collaboration, has gotten us through deep potholes and up sheer cliffs. I'm learning to appreciate the past and to understand how it got me to where I am now. The map is getting a little clearer and the road ahead is a little smoother.

Sadness

2008-10-25T23:05:00.002-07:00

I'm having a hard time lately. I've never been so far away from my family for so long before. I miss being able to call my mom for a spur of the moment lunch date when I'm out running errands or just need a break from the normal happenings of life. I miss seeing my daughter in the morning, all sleepy and sometimes grumpy, but huggable, just the same. I sometimes wonder who took care of who more.

I know part of this is that I'm making my travel plans for a Christmas visit. It brings up memories and reminds me that it will have been about 6 months since seeing everyone when I make it back there. I think another part of my rawness is the replaying of events from the accident. It's made my psyche a little more delicate.

Today was the hardest day that I've had for a while. I just got done with a week and a half stretch with no days off and fatigue that leaves me focusing on getting off my feet and trying to get a decent night's sleep. Today I rested. Of course, that's a relative term since everyone has their own idea of what is restful.

My plan was to stay off my feet to rest my knees, which are acting up and making the 8 hour shifts at a cash register barely tolerable the last hour. I was going to do more writing, since I can sit in the LazyBoy and keep my feet elevated. Instead I thought about my holiday visit. I called my daughter and we chatted for over an hour. Then I let some tears come. Well, I snuffed them out fairly quickly, it does so little good to cry. There is nothing to change, no misdeeds to regret, no one to fault. Life is doing what life does, maintaining constant movement and motion in a forward direction.

In Albuquerque, I connected with people that felt almost like family. Their company was soothing to the sadness and loneliness I was feeling from the initial departure from our old home. Here, in Phoenix, everything is superficial. I can't seem to find anything soothing to calm my sadness. I exchange pleasantries with neighbors and chat with co-workers, but the connection only lasts as long as the conversation, then it's gone.

Deep down I wonder if part of my observations of others around me is due to a fear of getting close to anyone again. It's so painful to tear away from relationships. Since we're only here a year, is it worth trying to cultivate such friendships? And who knows where we will end up after Cameron's training is completed? It would be nice to have an idea in advance so I can start to get to know the area better. My moving to Phoenix was sort of spur of the moment so there was little known about the place when we left. I had lots of time to research about Albuquerque so it was already familiar to me when we arrived. I guess I need time to get to know where I'm going in order to begin to establish a relationship with it early on. Maybe Phoenix would have seemed less foreign and impersonal had I had time to get to know it first. Time will tell.

The Book

2008-10-19T22:24:00.002-07:00

Today I started writing the book. The one a mentioned earlier about Cameron's accident. It's been close to a year and a half, but my memory holds on to it like it was yesterday. This is going to be a tough endeavor. As I write, tears well up and I have to stop periodically to gain control. Perhaps this will be a kind of therapy for me, to finally tell my story, to lay it out for everyone to see, to no longer hold onto it in case the need should arise to share it.

Work has been exhausting and I often spend my off time sleeping. I'm in the middle of a week and a half straight with no days off. Hourly positions are a pain that way. I can't get a straight 8hour day/5 day work week for anything. At least not yet. In order to get 40 hours this week, I'm covering for a couple of people who wanted time off. Since they're students, the chunks of time are only 4 and 6 hours. I can hardly wait for Friday. Saturday we're going to a motorcycle expo that is here, in Phoenix. It'll be nice to do something non-work related.

Cameron has taken up a lot of the household duties so I can focus my free time to working on the book. There's isn't a set time to have it finished, but perhaps the end of his school year would be a good goal. Any longer and it will be lost in the files of other unfinished works. At least I have a reason to finish this one.

I'll keep you posted as to my progress. I have an early shift tomorrow so I'd better get to bed.

First of the Dog Days

2008-10-12T20:12:00.002-07:00

Last night was my first evening working at the pets hotel at the store. I learned a few things, such as some duties are best left the the younger kids, and I have more of a dog allergy than I thought.

Hmm...maybe this isn't the best area for me to work in.

It started with a chat around the front desk followed by a test that I had to get 100% on. It was preceded by a lengthy manual about safety procedures and proper hotel maintenance. The test was only about 30 questions and a fellow associate conveniently did some paperwork right next to me while I quickly went through the test. She acknowledged my correct answers and made a noise if I considered an incorrect one. It's funny, they all took the test this way or at least had someone go over it with them after they finished, but before they clicked the "send" button to head it off to corporate. Thus, everyone gets 100%. Whatever!

Next I was given a frequently interrupted tour of the facility by the assistant manager. They are capable of housing a lot of dogs there. There's over 120 kennels and some had multiple family members in them, as well as about 25 cat cages. There's rooms designated as the potty rooms for "walking" the dogs in (they have drains in the floor so they can be disinfected and washed down) 3 big rooms for the "doggie daycamp" play areas, and a training room.

Since I had been called in to help with the unexpectedly large volume of guests that had come in, I performed a little bit of every duty, except front desk. I cleaned kennels, did laundry, hugged anxious animals, and assisted in the doggie daycamp room for small dogs. That's where I found out that I can't handle being in a room with about 20 dogs, all clamoring for attention and playing, without having a sneezing fit or breaking out with hives. I did OK for the first 1/2 hour or 45 minutes, but after that, it was uncomfortable and a half hour later I had to leave the room. I was then given the job of cleaning food bowls. It seemed like a never-ending flow of stainless steel bowls that I scrubbed out under hot water and then loaded into a sterilizing machine, similar to a dishwasher. I don't understand why they don't just use a dishwasher, but I guess someone decided this was best. I don't know how long I was at the dishes, but my back was killing me when I finally reached some point at an ebb in the flow and stopped. It was a good time for a break anyway.

The rest of the evening was spent checking on kennels/guests, looking for messes to clean up or animals that looked stressed. It was nice to spend time with them and pet them or pick them up to hold them for a while. The one on one or sometimes two on one time worked out fine for me, I guess the intensity of so much DOG in one room at once is just too much. Actually, the kneeling and bending and up and down, etc. was a little much too. Of course those muscles will get stronger with more use, but at the end of the day, I was sore. Sore and exhausted.

I had today off and mostly rested. I've been told that this time of year is the worst for allergies in Phoenix and I believe it. I've been sneezing for the past 2 weeks and last night's infusion of intense dog had done me in. My sinuses are not happy and so, in order to stave off any potential lurking bacteria (sinus infection) I listened to my body and took a long nap. I feel a little better tonight and will be back at work tomorrow morning. I have no idea what part of the store I'll be in since I've told them to put me anywhere so I can get the most hours. I think the best mix would be to do half a day of cashiering then work in the hotel. Last night's 7 hours was a bit much.

Next weekend we're going to bring the Suzuki motorcycle out of storage and fix it up so I can ride it again. It got crashed last winter and we haven't gotten around to fixing the last few things that are messed up, as well as lowering it so I can flat foot it. I stopped riding it because it was too tall for me and frequently, when I stopped it in a parking lot on uneven ground, it fell over because I couldn't catch it. That was embarrassing and usually broke off one of the hand levers, making it undriveable until it was replaced. They are cheap pot metal, for some reason, and stick out just enough that they catch the brunt of the impact when the bike falls over. Since the bike is top-heavy, it's hard for me to pick it up, too.

The repair and subsequent riding of the bike is because the car I'm driving is making some unsettling noises that make me not trust it to make it to my destination. I think it's the transmission going out and the repairs to the bike are cheaper than getting the transmission fixed. Since I need reliable transportation to go to work to make the money to fix the car, fixing the bike first seems to make the most sense. That way I won't drive the car any more than necessary and it can limp along until it can get some attention. It's about 12 to 15 miles to work, so that's potentially about 180 miles less a week. Besides, since Cameron is getting back into the music business, he'll need the car to take the keyboard to practices and gigs. (It's kind of difficult to carry a full-size keyboard on a motorcycle, though I have come up with some creative thoughts : ) on how to do it.)

I can hardly wait until this year is up and we find out where we'll be heading to next. There are BMW dealerships all over the world and the students at MMI frequently have jobs waiting for them before they graduate. I hope that is the case with us. It would be a nice change to have employers offering jobs, instead of us going hunting for jobs. Most likely, if we stay in the US or Canada, I will be able to just transfer to another store in the city we move to. I don't really know what I want to do with myself after he gets into his position. We've talked about me going back to school or pursuing some other course, but I guess that will come to me in time. I have lots of ideas and interests, but little direction as to how to make them happen. Again, we have time to see what unfolds, I just have a little trouble with the patience for waiting for that to happen.

I really miss everyone. I miss family in California and the "family" that started to form in Albuquerque. Here, I feel like one of the multitude of workers that inhabit the area. Everyone has their "bubble" that they keep around themselves that keeps others at arm's length from them. I've met some really nice people, but none offer the genuine warmth that I received in Albuquerque. Perhaps they just take a little longer to warm up to someone. With the holidays approaching, this may all change as people get in the mood for gathering and celebrating. Again I'm faced with that word that haunts me: PATIENCE. Ugh! It will eventually beat me into submission, but for now, it escapes me at the worst times, when I need it most, then hangs around afterwards to taunt me, fingering its nose at me.

As usual, I'm writing this before I head off to bed. A good night's sleep may bring me some of that elusive stuff I need so much of these days...

First Day

2008-10-08T19:40:00.002-07:00

Well, today was my first actual work day and I spent it at the cash register. Wow, it's been a long time since I did that. It was fun, for the most part, until the last hour. My back started hurting so I was counting the remaining minutes. I'm looking forward to the cross-training, that will give me more hours and insurance, as well as changes of scenery on a regular basis. The people at the store are very nice and most of the customers were great, so it was a good day.

Cameron's gotten into a second band so will be playing keyboard with 2 bands and dropping the job at the vacuum cleaner store. I think he'll be much happier doing that and it will be nice to have the music back in our lives. I've missed it, even though he's been practicing off and on since we moved, it isn't the same frequency as when he's actively involved in a music project. The adjustment in hours will help, as well, since the intensity of his classes made it tough to maintain such a long work/school day.

I'm thinking about trying to do more commercial writing. I was looking over the blog from Cameron's accident (http://people.bakersfield.com/home/Blog/camsgirl/t1178002800) and pondering the possibilities for using it in a book. Cameron has blog entries, as well, and perhaps combining them with earlier reflections on motorcycling to create something...it's just the what that escapes me. It's a new idea so I'll let it simmer a while and see what comes of it. If something good can come out of all of this, I can't say it was worth the heartache and physical pain/anguish, but at least doing something with all of it might ease some of the destruction that it caused. I hate how thinking about it still swells my throat and makes my eyes well up. Maybe this will be good therapy.

I'm, also, looking into some of my earlier writings and thinking about revising them and testing the waters of the periodical world. I've written some human interest type articles and started a few stories (I'm good at that, it's the finishing that is hard) that were begun when I was at a lull in my general goings-on, but stopped working on them when I got busy. I think it's time to blow the dust off them and see what I can do.

Looking at the time, I think what I can do right now is head in the direction of bed. I start at 9:30 tomorrow and go till 4:30. It's a long stretch at the register, actually the same as today. I need a good night's rest.

Finally, A Job!!

2008-09-30T20:23:00.002-07:00

After close to 4 weeks, I've finally gotten a job. It's entry level, but I think I'm going to like it. It's with Petsmart, which is located all over the US and Canada so once Cameron is done with school I can transfer to other locations. I'll be cashiering in the regular store and also working in the pet hotel part of it. I love the animals and the hotel lets me play with them and interact a lot. The starting pay isn't spectacular, but will get us through the year and then we'll see where his work takes us.

Other big news, Cameron got hired on as keyboard player for a local band. I think they're called The Eleventh Hour and they play a wide assortment of styles. Since they have a sax, horn, bass, drum, and keyboard players, they can handle just about anything. They have a woman doing vocals that has a beautiful, clear voice. When Cameron was auditioning, there was a guy auditioning for male vocalist, as well. He was great, but apparently they wanted someone with more experience doing duets and harmonizing. They practice every Sunday so I made myself available to work then, since we wouldn't be able to go on any long rides that day.

I'm seeing more of Phoenix, especially today, since the store I'm working at is located in an area called Paradise Valley. It's a 25 minute drive through a very nice part of town with custom homes and unusual restaurants/shops. It's on the other side of the hills (definitely not mountains like in Albuquerque) from where we live so I take surface streets that skirt around them. It would be a much shorter drive if not for the hills. The place where Cameron will be going to rehearse is in Gonzales, which is just south of Tempe. Tempe is south east of Phoenix. Everything runs together here, like LA, so it's hard to tell where one town ends and another begins. The skyline is much lower than LA. There aren't as many highrise buildings clumped together in a downtown area. They are mostly scattered and not nearly as tall, at least what I've seen so far. Most of the residential areas remind me of the San Fernando Valley with ranch-style homes and that non-descript look about them. That's why it was so nice to see the Paradise Valley area. It redeemed Phoenix a little, but I still miss Albuquerque a lot.

The people of Paradise Valley are nicer, friendlier than the area we live in. In our part of town, it's like LA with everyone just looking forward and not acknowleging anyone around them. It's very impersonal. When I was walking into the Petsmart store for my interview, someone said hello to me in the parking lot and another smiled and nodded at me when I went through the door. I even had a driver give me space to merge into her lane when the lane I was in was closing due to construction. It all sounds so minor and common place, but when it's not there, you miss it.

There is another MMI student living downstairs and to the back of us, that I met recently. He and his wife are here from someplace back east (the place escapes me at the moment), and they have 2 dogs. One is a small to medium german shepard type and the other is a miniature chihuahua. Both are very friendly (I am still amazed at the friendliness of the chihuahua) and anxious to meet Tuesday. Unfortunately, they were a little too anxious and scared her. I'm hoping she'll get used to them so she can have some friends. She's still so traumatized from the dogs in the neighborhood we were in, in Bakersfield. They were all so mean and would charge her when she tried to make friends. There was a very polite and easy-going poodle mix dog at our place in Albuquerque that she was beginning to make friends with so I know there is hope. It will just take some time and being with the properly behaved (ones that follow dog ettiquette such as all the sniffing and introductions before charging up to someone) ones that won't scare her away before she has a chance to get to know them.

Well, it's getting late so I'd better put this to bed so I can, as well. More later...

Classes Start Monday!

2008-09-17T20:12:00.002-07:00

Today was orientation day at MMI, Motorcycle Mechanics Institute. I hadn't been there before so it was interesting to see the campus and some of the staff. They did a good,professional, presentation, putting the parents in attendance at ease from the initial fears of leaving their "young ones" in Phoenix. I spoke with several that felt so much better about making their trips back home, wherever in the US that might be, next week.

It's fascinating to look over the variety of in-coming students, both their ages and style of dress. It ran the gamut, though the majority looked fresh out of high school; clean cut "all-American" mid-western to liberal facial piercings with, what looked like, self-cut hair. There were a few of us "significant others" and several pairs of parents. The rules, strict dress code included, were stated very directly and with no gray areas. I think that was the big deal-closer for those parents; high expectations and no-nonsense policies. I can hardly wait to see the changes in these kids after their 12-18 months of training is over.

After the presentation, while Cameron was going through the line of stations to pay his materials fee, and get an ID and shirts, I chatted with a couple of the student services people about employment-for me. They have a couple of openings at the school that sound like a good fit, and I was directed to apply on line. Cool! There was, also, a career fair at the school in the afternoon for students and their spouses.

Well, the career fair was really geared toward the students. Part-time jobs that utilized the male ability to lift heavy objects were the dominant options. Full-time with benefits? Hmm..."we'll take a copy of your resume and see if anything comes up." OK, at least I went and didn't spend the rest of the day wondering if that perfect job was sitting there, waiting for me.

Speaking of career fairs, there's one this Saturday at the community college. I've applied on line for 2 postions there, but was sent an email telling me it would take at least 4 weeks to process my application! That's before anyone even gives me a call for an interview. So, hopefully, this Saturday I can get some face-time in with the human resources department.

It's funny. Most of the job postings I have applied for have been through internet companies that host want ads. Of these ads, many specifically say to NOT call the company. So how do I pester them into hiring me? Phoenix is home to MANY call centers and corporate offices. It's getting past their initial "nets" that is posing a challenge for me. "We'll call you if your application meets our desired qualifications." Yes, can you tell I hate job hunting?

Ah, bringing my stress levels back down to a reasonable level, we are settling in nicely. There are still a few boxes unpacked, mostly for a lack of homes for the items they contain. This apartment is larger, but lacks some of the storage the other one had. I'll get creative one of these days and come up with a solution, but for now, they sit here and there and provide nice hiding places for the cats to nap in.

I've been watching the positioning of the sunlight on the balcony. I'd like to plant some vegetables out there, but the pots would need to be moveable in order to catch the light we get. I specifically asked for an apartment that would be out of the afternoon sun, so this one is more limited than many here. I'll probably look into the flat, wheeled, stands for pots. That way I can move them about to ensure adequate exposure. Since we're only planning on living in Phoenix for the length of his school time, I don't want to start any perrenials. It's highly frowned upon to take live plants across state lines as they can transmit insects. So, veggies it is! And maybe some annuals, who knows? Perhaps if I get some flowers going, the hummingbirds will start coming up to the feeder. I have yet to get any customers.

It's getting late and tomorrow's another day. I'll let you know if anything comes of my continued endeavors for employment. Good Night!

Settling In

2008-09-13T09:17:00.002-07:00

It's taking a little time to get settled into life in Phoenix. The place is much like LA in terms of traffic, attitudes, and hungry, monster-like, engulfing of surrounding communities into one large rambling mega-city. It's hard to tell where one ends and another begins, but one thing becomes certain, the closer you get to Phoenix, proper, the more congested things get.

Cameron scored a part-time job doing small engine/appliance repair in an area that, as far as the map was concerned, was a nice 15 minute ride from home. Well... in the afternoon/evening-say around the hours of between 3 and 5 o'clock-it's actually closer to an hour from home. I experienced it first-hand yesterday when I paid him a visit to deliver a stool I found for him to sit on while he works. The business he's at is in a shopping center area so, in addition to the regular rush-hour traffic, there's the shopping traffic, as well. Luckily, I chatted it up with a guy at the pizza place next door and found out a way around the brunt of the snarl of traffic. It saved us about a half hour of travel time.

My job hunting results have not been so fruitful. Many, many applications/resumes have been put out there, but not so much interest. There have been a couple of phone interviews that put me on a waiting list until the next round of hiring occurs, though I have no idea when that will be-don't call us, we'll call you. To make it more difficult, most of the internet postings request no phone calls. OK...how am I supposed to follow-up? It's frustrating, but there are 2 job fairs next week, one at the school Cameron is attending, the other through Career Builder (one of the major employment listing services used in the area). Ah, a chance for some face time!

The high temperatures were a hard slam to the body for the first week. Going from the 80's of Albuquerque to the 105+ of Phoenix made it difficult to get motivated to do much. The last few days have cooled off a little-99 to 101-so it hasn't been quite so intense. The evenings are cooling down, now, too. Thank goodness for air conditioning!

The apartment complex we're in is huge! I don't remember how many building or units, but each building is 3 stories high, we're on the second floor. There have been quite a few things that need fixing and the maintenance guys are fantastic. Out of curiosity I asked one of them how old the complex is and they said it's 30 years old. No wonder there's so much to repair. The management is systematically refurbishing the place and bringing it up to current code. Our place has a great floor plan, but there are structural things about it that make me wonder if I'll wind up in the downstairs apartment one of these days. Small sags in the floor, here and there, and the amazing ability of little 12-pound Tuesday, running across the the livingroom floor, making the whole place shake, definitely makes one wonder. So...I spoke with one of the guys that is doing the refurbishing project and when I told him about the floors he strongly recommended that I inform the maintenance person. He said it's amazing what people have been living with and not reporting and the only way to get it fixed is to notify management. Very true, luckily, the woman in charge of maintenance is very understanding and offers immediate solutions. This conversation ocurred after office hours so I'll talk with her on Monday. It'll be interesting to see what transpires as a result.

Speaking of Tuesday, she's still having a hard time with taking walks around this place. First, there's the stairs. Her poor little legs can handle about 2, maybe 3, trips up and down and she's done. If I take her out more than 3 times, I can plan on carrying her up the stairs to come home. The other big problem is that there is no size limit on the dogs that live here. She's so afraid of anything much bigger than she is that if she even sees a large dog in the distance, she does an about-face and makes a bee-line in the opposite direction. That makes for anxious walks and many delays in "taking care of business". There's, also, lots of people around here so there's a lot of distractions and sudden noises to add to the situation. I'm sure she'll eventually get used to it, though.

We haven't taken any motorcycle trips yet-too hot for me. I'll go out one of these days and take a few pictures of the complex so you can see what it's like. They've done a wonderful job on the outside of it, I thought is was a pretty new development when we first got here. From our bedroom, looking out the big sliding door, it looks like we're in a treehouse. There's a large eucalyptus tree outside and we're at the midpoint of the branches. It gives a nice shady feel to the place. I put the hummingbird feeder up, but so far haven't had any guests. Perhaps I should put up a "free food" sign! I'm going to pass on the regular feeder while we're here. It would be pandemonium on the balcony with doves and pigeons trying to eat and the cats jumping up on the wall to get at them. Not a good situation!

Well, that's about it for now. We're continuing to do this one step at a time, so we'll see what the coming week has to offer.

As the Phoenix Rises...

2008-09-06T16:09:00.002-07:00

Hello Phoenix!

And hello 106 degree days...

OK, thankfully there's air conditioning and a nice apartment to come home to.

Obviously, we made it here, despite the mechanical setback, and are slowly turning our warehouse-like abode into a home. I'd say about 1/3 of the boxes are gone and the rest are slowly finding their way into the appropriate areas to be unloaded and cast aside with the rest. Due to the sudden introduction of stairs to our daily routine (2nd floor apartments can be a pain, literally), our unpacking has been slow. Arthritis and past injuries made the moving-in process especially exhausting. We have lots of books, need I say more?

This coming week I will be contacting the many companies I've applied for jobs with and see what develops. I had a group interview with the Phoenix Art Institute, but it turned out to be just a sales job, with high quotas. Another company has interviewed me by phone for 2 positions and I am awaiting further contact for a face to face interview. Needless to say, job prospects are much better here, than Albuquerque.

Speaking of Albuquerque, I woke up in the middle of the night a couple of days ago, expecting to be back there. We've only been here a few days so it will take time to adjust to the new surroundings. I do miss the place, though, actually, both the place and the people.

So, here's to new places and more friends. Look out Arizona, the Weckerley's are here!

Gallupping Toward Phoenix

2008-09-01T21:34:00.005-07:00

Last week was a little insane, getting ready to move, both physically and emotionally. To take a break from all the tension, we decided to treat ourselves to a visit to the Albuquerque Bio Park.

The park is a combination of botanical gardens, aquarium, zoo, and a unique chain of very use-specific lakes. The lakes are designated for radio-controlled boats, children's fishing, adult fishing, catch and release fishing, etc. The aquarium is small, but interesting-they have some really nice jelly fish exhibits. A small train connects the aquarium and botanical gardens with the zoo and lakes.

Lacking the physical ability to see everything, we chose our favorites; the aquarium and the zoo. The aquarium took only about 30 minutes to walk through, though we could have taken longer if we had little kids to "experience" the exhibits. It was interesting to see a couple of real seagull-like birds perched at the end of the stingray/shark exhibit. I found it kind of strange that they had that exhibit in a shallow tank that was easily reached into by little hands, though it was not a hands-on display. There was a docent present at one end, but as the picture shows, a little girl was persistent about dipping her fingers in the cold salt water.

The aquarium and zoo are about 3 miles apart, so the 20 minute train ride made sense. Besides, how often do you get the chance to sit in a small-scale cattle car, pulled by a bio-fuel driven little engine?

The zoo is my personal favorite and so I took over the camera duties. It's a fairly small place, but was plenty for my knee to handle. (It was still a little sore from a previous, all-day ride to the Taos area.)

Check out the wrestling polar bears and the bizarre little snow-crested...somethings (I have got to start carrying a pad to write the names of animals, etc. on!)-they are a type of marsupial. Only about a foot or so tall, they look like some kind of fantasy warriors-really cool. We were, also, lucky enough to arrive just at giraffe feeding time, so I was able to get some good face shots. That's one advantage of the smaller zoos. Often the animals are closer and there's more hands-on activities.

Here's the link to the slide show from our little excursion.

A little bit rested, we resumed packing the following day. By Saturday night, our place looked like a warehouse and the animals were all freaked out. Their condition only worsened Sunday, as items were carried out to the u-haul, and the place was emptied of its familiar contents. We had a problem with the truck, though. Torn between which size to reserve, we, of course, chose one that was too small to hold all our stuff and both motorcycles. Being a holiday weekend, there wasn't another truck to be found, so it was decided that Cameron would ride his bike and I would drive the truck with the trailered car.

Cameron started loading the truck, first thing in the morning. It's funny how people seem to scatter when someone they know needs help moving. It looked like we might have to load the truck ourselves, something neither one of us was up to.

We've been so fortunate to have fantastic neighbors. (Tim and Kyla, both just starting to explore their lives, both as new parents of a rambunctious chocolate lab puppy, and as adults in the world of work and college.) They saved the day by helping us load the truck and keep an eye on Tuesday, who wanted to stay near all the activity; hanging out with the "pack".

It was an exhausting day, so the four of us wrapped it up with a delicious meal at a highly recommended steak house. Before the meal was over, we were invited to have dessert at Kyla's parent's place. I had wanted to meet her parents for a while, at least as long of a while as you can have when you've only been someplace for a couple of months! Well, her mom is just as friendly and warm as she is; it was a really nice evening-a much needed change of gears.

It's times like this that make it so hard to leave this place. Albuquerque has a warmth that is hard to describe. At every turn, there are people I want to pull into my life as friends and they quickly take root in my heart. Leaving her parent's place, that familiar knot caught in my throat and I had to pull myself back from the sadness of leaving all this. Hugs goodnight, and goodbye, since we were planning on leaving early in the morning, and the day was over.

This morning, we set about to finish the remaining odds and ends that needed to be taken care of before we vacated our apartment. Cleaning the refrigerator, stowing the last items in the truck, finding more that had been forgotten about, etc. took much longer than expected, of course. Thus, our early morning departure turned into an early afternoon one.

Since we didn't want to deal with the car trailer until the last minute, we picked it up on the way out of town-I drove the truck and Cameron drove the car, we had left his motorcycle at the rental store earlier. With the car loaded on the trailer, we started our new journey.

Our rocky start got a little rockier about 2 hours down the road. With Cameron following behind me, to make sure I had the trailer and truck under control, I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw him briefly waver on the freeway. Shortly after I looked again and he had pulled off to the side of the road, though was still moving. I continued a little further to a wider part of the shoulder and stopped, concerned about what was happening.

Well, his throttle cable had broken, causing him to lose any ability to accelerate. Luckily, we were only about a quarter of a mile from Gallup, NM, so I called the auto club for a tow truck (I'm so glad I opted for the motorcycle coverage) to take the bike to a nearby hotel parking lot so we could figure out what to do next.

That brings me to now. It's late and Cameron's asleep, but I needed to get this, "down on paper" so to speak, before there are any more additions to this adventure. The plan, so far, is to contact a BMW dealer in the morning to find out about getting a new cable. We'll probably leave the bike at the towing company's yard (they offered to store it for a minimal fee), go on to Phoenix to unload, then return for the bike once the part arrives. We're still 6 hours from our destination so that will entail at least an overnight trip to accomplish.

I will write more as things evolve.

Still Here, and A Trip to Los Alamos

2008-08-22T09:07:00.005-07:00

Yes, you're at the right place. I found an easier to read template that works very nicely, so switched to it.

Well, the countdown is continuing...we load the truck in a week and make the 6 hour drive to Phoenix the next day. I dread packing everything up again. We've been doing a little sorting and purging here and there, but I've put off getting boxes until next week.

Maybe that's cutting it a little too close, perhaps I'll make a token cruise of the area behind the mall today and see what I find. Cameron went for a long ride today and I opted to stay home. We just did a grueling 12 hour ride a couple of days ago and my knees just can't take that kind of abuse anymore. (I'll post about that ride in the next entry, still trying to catch up to current activities.) It was a painful last 3 hours.

This entry is about our ride to Los Alamos with a friend of ours. He's the one who picked up, stored and brought back, Cameron's motorcycle after the accident. That's who you'll see the back of in most of the pictures. He took us on a long and very interesting ride through some absolutely beautiful parts of New Mexico. I took lots of pictures of the scenery because it kept changing. One minute we were in typical high desert, the next in mountains, the next in red clay canyons; it was incredible.

We met him at his house, that was conveniently not far from ours, and headed north. It was a great day for a ride, though there was a possibility of rain along some stretches of our route. The sky was scattered with clouds the entire day, which I loved, and only added to the gorgeous surroundings.

We were on the bike for most of the day, except for a couple of fuel stops and to eat lunch in Los Alamos. Los Alamos was not as I had expected. (I wish I had taken more pictures as we drove through the section of downtown on the way to the little place we had lunch.) It's a small city, nestled in pine-covered mountains. Since we were traveling on a Sunday, most businesses were shut down and the place was pretty quiet. It would be interesting to visit it on a weekday to see what the general population was like and how busy it is.

What made it different from a typical mountain community was the presence of the laboratory complex. The entrance to its secured boundaries was also the route to a popular ski area. In order to get to the mountain road we were to head back on, we had to pass through guard gates. They just waved us on through, but I wondered what it would be like during ski season. There were a lot of gates, but it seems like it would still get congested. After passing through the gates, everything seemed like a normal road toward the higher mountains, until unobtrusive buildings started appearing to our left. There were signs designating sections and building numbers. The long gaps between buildings, made me think that was the end of it, then more would appear. They were not hidden, necessarily, but they weren't advertised, either. Painted the natural colors of the surroundings, made them easier to ignore (if one wasn't fascinated by their presence). They were not fenced and there were no apparent barriers, though I'm sure the place is well covered with cameras and other devices. After a while, we passed through a smaller row of guard gates, only about 2 as it was a narrow road. I guess it's so they can lock down the facility if needed. It's strange how it is so accessible the rest of the time.

The rest of the ride took us through canyons, mountain pastures and on and off of local reservations. The red rocks and green grasses in the pictures were as striking as they appear.

Follow this link to the slideshow.

Santa Fe is great for shoppers

2008-08-16T14:23:00.007-07:00

About 4 weeks ago, we rode up to Santa Fe for our 3rd anniversary, to see what the place was like and see the showing at one of the museums.

We went by way of highway 14, known as the Turquoise Trail, which winds its way around the back side of the Sandia Mountains from Albuquerque. We've been up and down the lower part of it several times to visit one of our favorite local spots, the Lazy Lizard, or to traverse the side road that leads to Sandia Peak (over 9,000 feet),but hadn't been farther than that. The weather was threatening at times, with some moderate rain around Cedar Crest, but we had drier conditions the farther north we went.

Our first stop was in a little former mining town called Madrid (the accent is on the beginning of the name) which has stayed alive by becoming a haven for local artists of many types, and a great food stop for the motorcycling community. Everyone kept telling us to stop at the Mineshaft Tavern, so we did and were greeted by the shiny chrome of several motorcycles and their friendly, but impatient, riders. It seems the place isn't open for breakfast so we had about a 20 minute wait for it to open for lunch.

No problem, there were quite a few interesting-looking shops nearby so off we went to explore their wares. The usual assortment of touristy "gift-ware" was at one shop, so we passed that one up and moved on to one that really caught my eye. They advertised tapestries and textiles. Inside, the place smelled faintly of incense, and a woman of uncertain age stood next to a rack of colorful fabric. She explained that everything was hand woven by members of the community who had participated in a weaving class that she had taught last year. Beautiful wraps and ponchos of different styles hung on numerous racks about the small shop. There was also a rack of colored, hand spun, yarn. Some of the dying was done using berries or other natural coloring agents. I took a card, promising to purchase a wrap at a later date. (Since they aren't created in a third world country, the prices fit the beautiful workmanship.)

By the time I finished oooing and awwing over the racks of pretty things, it was time to enter the Mineshaft Tavern. We had eaten a late breakfast so weren't particularly hungry, so we ordered sodas and some of their homemade salsa and chips. The inside of the restaurant/bar was like stepping back in time. There was a long wooden bar and all the tables, chairs and walls were wood. In the "front" of the large room was a small stage where we were told they have live music performances.

After this brief stop, we hit the road to finish the ride to Santa Fe. It was a scenic ride and the weather held for us, providing nice cloud formations along our way. Once in Santa Fe, at least the portion I saw, didn't impress me all that much, except for the architecture of the older buildings, which were built after the Pueblo style. The newer commercial buildings we passed upon first entering town did their best to cheaply fake it, which winds up looking cookie-cutter-like and artificial. (I guess they succeeded)

We went in search of the Plaza, the main center of museums and cultural encounters, where the Georgia O'Keeffe museum is located, our ultimate destination. The plaza consists of a plentitude of shops and small galleries scattered along several blocks, a great place to unload lots and lots of cash. The buildings in the Plaza, whether newer or older, all resonated with the Pueblo influence. Great care had been taken, here, to blend the style of any newer structures with the surrounding ones. On a less-busy day, it would be a nice place to quietly stroll and contemplate, but since we were there on a weekend, it was filled with the tourist crowds. An interesting area of the plaza was a stretch of sidewalk, along the side of a long building, where native Pueblos, Navajos, perhaps others, are allowed to sell their wares. There's actually a sign designating that stretch of sidewalk as their sales territory. One right after the other are there with their handiwork displayed on tables or cloth on the ground. In my personal opinion, that's where I would prefer to spend my money. It was interesting to hear them explain the methods they used to make the items. I was dismayed at the low numbers of customers along this narrow strip of the plaza in comparison to the commercial stores.

The museum was inconspicuous and off to the side of the plaza, not what I would have expected for a tribute to someone who is so famous in the area. They were running a showing of Ansel Adams prints alongside O'Keeffe's paintings. In some instances, they had captured the same images since they had travelled to the location together for that very purpose. The differences in their views of those images was really interesting.

After getting our fix of O'Keeffe and Adams, we grabbed a bite to eat at a burrito restaurant, that was recommended by a woman who was outside the museum and playing with her grand-daughter, that's owned and run by the family of one of the local chiefs. It was an order at the counter and wait until your number is called kind of place, and the food was excellent.

Pleasantly full, we got back on the bike for the ride home. We planned to take the 41 back since we hadn't been that way before, but had trouble locating it. So, we headed back the way we came, besides, its a nice route.

Follow this link to a captioned SLIDESHOW

Here We Go Again!

2008-08-16T07:58:00.002-07:00

This is just a quick note to everyone. I'm still getting all the pics together of our adventures here, but wanted to fill you in on a new twist to the Weckerley escapades:

On Sept. 1st, we're both moving to Phoenix, AZ. The original plan was for him to rent a room there while he attends motorcycle mechanics school, and I would stay here and work, especially since we have a 12 month lease. Well, the employment situation here is pretty rough and I haven't gotten hired for any of the plethora of jobs I applied for. Also, we checked into the rent for a room in Phoenix-$400! Need I say more?

Our manager is very understanding and is letting us out of our lease, if we pay an extra month's rent. But she says that if she rents the unit out soon she'll refund the extra rent. So, I guess it's going to be goodbye, at least for now, to our new friends and the 80 degree with cool breezes, summer days here; and hello to 106 degree days of Phoenix. The saving graces to all this? A much nicer apartment (of course the rent is a little higher than Albuquerque), better employment prospects, and Cameron doesn't have to travel back and forth to see me.

So back onto the emotional roller coaster, I was just settling in and feeling at home, it's time to begin pulling up those roots that had started to dig in and move on to our next big adventure!

Oh, I'll email everyone the new address and, thankfully, I hadn't made the final changes on our phone number so that will be done when we get there.

First Things First: Getting Here

2008-08-07T11:53:00.003-07:00

U-Haul trucks look much smaller inside than you think they are. It's amazing how much we can cram into them, sometimes it's actually far more than we really need them to hold.

Our moving day was harrowing, at best. Exhausting, hot, nerve-wracking, frustrating, scary, dirty, fortunate (for some neighbors), patience testing, and did I already mention exhausting? ***Keep in mind, when packing a truck for a long-distance move, put your prized possessions, your must-haves, into the truck first.*** This could have been a very hard-learned lesson, except for the fact that it turns out those must-haves that we had to leave behind (see fortunate neighbors), haven't been must-haves after all. I think the only thing we've really missed is TV. Yes, the big screen TV, actually the little one, too, got hastily donated to some neighbors in greater need of them than us. Dressers, who needs them? The large clear plastic tubs that I packed our clothes in work fine. Besides, where would we have put them when we got here?

Scaling down, a pretty mild term, from a 3 bedroom, 3-car garage home, to a 750 square foot 1 bedroom apartment, sans garage, is a magical process. One often best undertaken blindfolded! Looking at the remaining boxes of odds and ends that actually made it here, we realize they, too, could have been left behind and not missed. It's funny how few "things" you really need to have to function quite well on a day to day basis. I guess they call that minimalism.

I'm actually quite late in posting all this since we made the move over 5 weeks ago. There's been a lot happening and I'll try to catch you up over the coming few days. In the meantime, here's some pictures of our multi-day trek to our new home.

ﾠ

A beginning

2008-07-21T00:09:00.000-07:00

Studying human and animal behavior has always been a hobby of mine. I people watch, observe different species, and read about the meanings of all those subtle cues, contemplating their validity with a sometimes conflicting viewpoint.

Philosophy, why do we do the things we do? What drives people in one locale to behave in one way, when similar individuals behave totally differently in another region? Is it beliefs, geography, or a result of a certain energy that a place exudes?

Since our arrival in Albuquerque, NM, I have encountered nothing but absolute friendliness from locals. Unless you want to count the bizarre behavioral shift that occurs once they get behind the wheel of a vehicle, then all bets are off. I've been honked at for not moving fast enough at a light more times than I care to think of. What's especially funny is that, for the most part, the general population obeys the rather low speed limits. So what are they perceiving to be in a hurry for?

Before embarked on this leap of faith adventure, we were like those that dig for gold on land that really holds no riches. We kept digging and digging, getting deeper into the gaping hole that we thought held such promise, only to find ourselves bankrupted by the experience-emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially. Fear of missing that glimmer of what might be held in the earth, a salvation of sorts, we forced the issue and pressed on.

Then, along comes a ladder from somewhere above the hole. We decided to trust it to hold our weight so we could climb out of the dark pit we had made for ourselves. Almost from day one, we have met a succession of amazingly wonderful people who have given us one more rung to climb on and led us to the next one, too. Following the direction that this chain of people has led us is becoming increasingly inspirational. They bend over backwards to help us and offer genuine friendship and assistance. The energy in this place is extremely positive-perhaps it's the mountains that we live so close to, or the strong native American influence that permeates the city. This is a healing place and as we climb each rung, the darkness eases and sunshine from the top of the hole is warm and inviting.

Trusting in ourselves and our inner strength is daunting, but I'm slowly learning that I'm much stronger than I think I am and by not forcing the outcome of my actions, truly amazing things can happen.