I'm having a hard time lately. I've never been so far away from my family for so long before. I miss being able to call my mom for a spur of the moment lunch date when I'm out running errands or just need a break from the normal happenings of life. I miss seeing my daughter in the morning, all sleepy and sometimes grumpy, but huggable, just the same. I sometimes wonder who took care of who more.
I know part of this is that I'm making my travel plans for a Christmas visit. It brings up memories and reminds me that it will have been about 6 months since seeing everyone when I make it back there. I think another part of my rawness is the replaying of events from the accident. It's made my psyche a little more delicate.
Today was the hardest day that I've had for a while. I just got done with a week and a half stretch with no days off and fatigue that leaves me focusing on getting off my feet and trying to get a decent night's sleep. Today I rested. Of course, that's a relative term since everyone has their own idea of what is restful.
My plan was to stay off my feet to rest my knees, which are acting up and making the 8 hour shifts at a cash register barely tolerable the last hour. I was going to do more writing, since I can sit in the LazyBoy and keep my feet elevated. Instead I thought about my holiday visit. I called my daughter and we chatted for over an hour. Then I let some tears come. Well, I snuffed them out fairly quickly, it does so little good to cry. There is nothing to change, no misdeeds to regret, no one to fault. Life is doing what life does, maintaining constant movement and motion in a forward direction.
In Albuquerque, I connected with people that felt almost like family. Their company was soothing to the sadness and loneliness I was feeling from the initial departure from our old home. Here, in Phoenix, everything is superficial. I can't seem to find anything soothing to calm my sadness. I exchange pleasantries with neighbors and chat with co-workers, but the connection only lasts as long as the conversation, then it's gone.
Deep down I wonder if part of my observations of others around me is due to a fear of getting close to anyone again. It's so painful to tear away from relationships. Since we're only here a year, is it worth trying to cultivate such friendships? And who knows where we will end up after Cameron's training is completed? It would be nice to have an idea in advance so I can start to get to know the area better. My moving to Phoenix was sort of spur of the moment so there was little known about the place when we left. I had lots of time to research about Albuquerque so it was already familiar to me when we arrived. I guess I need time to get to know where I'm going in order to begin to establish a relationship with it early on. Maybe Phoenix would have seemed less foreign and impersonal had I had time to get to know it first. Time will tell.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
The Book
Today I started writing the book. The one a mentioned earlier about Cameron's accident. It's been close to a year and a half, but my memory holds on to it like it was yesterday. This is going to be a tough endeavor. As I write, tears well up and I have to stop periodically to gain control. Perhaps this will be a kind of therapy for me, to finally tell my story, to lay it out for everyone to see, to no longer hold onto it in case the need should arise to share it.
Work has been exhausting and I often spend my off time sleeping. I'm in the middle of a week and a half straight with no days off. Hourly positions are a pain that way. I can't get a straight 8hour day/5 day work week for anything. At least not yet. In order to get 40 hours this week, I'm covering for a couple of people who wanted time off. Since they're students, the chunks of time are only 4 and 6 hours. I can hardly wait for Friday. Saturday we're going to a motorcycle expo that is here, in Phoenix. It'll be nice to do something non-work related.
Cameron has taken up a lot of the household duties so I can focus my free time to working on the book. There's isn't a set time to have it finished, but perhaps the end of his school year would be a good goal. Any longer and it will be lost in the files of other unfinished works. At least I have a reason to finish this one.
I'll keep you posted as to my progress. I have an early shift tomorrow so I'd better get to bed.
Work has been exhausting and I often spend my off time sleeping. I'm in the middle of a week and a half straight with no days off. Hourly positions are a pain that way. I can't get a straight 8hour day/5 day work week for anything. At least not yet. In order to get 40 hours this week, I'm covering for a couple of people who wanted time off. Since they're students, the chunks of time are only 4 and 6 hours. I can hardly wait for Friday. Saturday we're going to a motorcycle expo that is here, in Phoenix. It'll be nice to do something non-work related.
Cameron has taken up a lot of the household duties so I can focus my free time to working on the book. There's isn't a set time to have it finished, but perhaps the end of his school year would be a good goal. Any longer and it will be lost in the files of other unfinished works. At least I have a reason to finish this one.
I'll keep you posted as to my progress. I have an early shift tomorrow so I'd better get to bed.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
First of the Dog Days
Last night was my first evening working at the pets hotel at the store. I learned a few things, such as some duties are best left the the younger kids, and I have more of a dog allergy than I thought.
Hmm...maybe this isn't the best area for me to work in.
It started with a chat around the front desk followed by a test that I had to get 100% on. It was preceded by a lengthy manual about safety procedures and proper hotel maintenance. The test was only about 30 questions and a fellow associate conveniently did some paperwork right next to me while I quickly went through the test. She acknowledged my correct answers and made a noise if I considered an incorrect one. It's funny, they all took the test this way or at least had someone go over it with them after they finished, but before they clicked the "send" button to head it off to corporate. Thus, everyone gets 100%. Whatever!
Next I was given a frequently interrupted tour of the facility by the assistant manager. They are capable of housing a lot of dogs there. There's over 120 kennels and some had multiple family members in them, as well as about 25 cat cages. There's rooms designated as the potty rooms for "walking" the dogs in (they have drains in the floor so they can be disinfected and washed down) 3 big rooms for the "doggie daycamp" play areas, and a training room.
Since I had been called in to help with the unexpectedly large volume of guests that had come in, I performed a little bit of every duty, except front desk. I cleaned kennels, did laundry, hugged anxious animals, and assisted in the doggie daycamp room for small dogs. That's where I found out that I can't handle being in a room with about 20 dogs, all clamoring for attention and playing, without having a sneezing fit or breaking out with hives. I did OK for the first 1/2 hour or 45 minutes, but after that, it was uncomfortable and a half hour later I had to leave the room. I was then given the job of cleaning food bowls. It seemed like a never-ending flow of stainless steel bowls that I scrubbed out under hot water and then loaded into a sterilizing machine, similar to a dishwasher. I don't understand why they don't just use a dishwasher, but I guess someone decided this was best. I don't know how long I was at the dishes, but my back was killing me when I finally reached some point at an ebb in the flow and stopped. It was a good time for a break anyway.
The rest of the evening was spent checking on kennels/guests, looking for messes to clean up or animals that looked stressed. It was nice to spend time with them and pet them or pick them up to hold them for a while. The one on one or sometimes two on one time worked out fine for me, I guess the intensity of so much DOG in one room at once is just too much. Actually, the kneeling and bending and up and down, etc. was a little much too. Of course those muscles will get stronger with more use, but at the end of the day, I was sore. Sore and exhausted.
I had today off and mostly rested. I've been told that this time of year is the worst for allergies in Phoenix and I believe it. I've been sneezing for the past 2 weeks and last night's infusion of intense dog had done me in. My sinuses are not happy and so, in order to stave off any potential lurking bacteria (sinus infection) I listened to my body and took a long nap. I feel a little better tonight and will be back at work tomorrow morning. I have no idea what part of the store I'll be in since I've told them to put me anywhere so I can get the most hours. I think the best mix would be to do half a day of cashiering then work in the hotel. Last night's 7 hours was a bit much.
Next weekend we're going to bring the Suzuki motorcycle out of storage and fix it up so I can ride it again. It got crashed last winter and we haven't gotten around to fixing the last few things that are messed up, as well as lowering it so I can flat foot it. I stopped riding it because it was too tall for me and frequently, when I stopped it in a parking lot on uneven ground, it fell over because I couldn't catch it. That was embarrassing and usually broke off one of the hand levers, making it undriveable until it was replaced. They are cheap pot metal, for some reason, and stick out just enough that they catch the brunt of the impact when the bike falls over. Since the bike is top-heavy, it's hard for me to pick it up, too.
The repair and subsequent riding of the bike is because the car I'm driving is making some unsettling noises that make me not trust it to make it to my destination. I think it's the transmission going out and the repairs to the bike are cheaper than getting the transmission fixed. Since I need reliable transportation to go to work to make the money to fix the car, fixing the bike first seems to make the most sense. That way I won't drive the car any more than necessary and it can limp along until it can get some attention. It's about 12 to 15 miles to work, so that's potentially about 180 miles less a week. Besides, since Cameron is getting back into the music business, he'll need the car to take the keyboard to practices and gigs. (It's kind of difficult to carry a full-size keyboard on a motorcycle, though I have come up with some creative thoughts : ) on how to do it.)
I can hardly wait until this year is up and we find out where we'll be heading to next. There are BMW dealerships all over the world and the students at MMI frequently have jobs waiting for them before they graduate. I hope that is the case with us. It would be a nice change to have employers offering jobs, instead of us going hunting for jobs. Most likely, if we stay in the US or Canada, I will be able to just transfer to another store in the city we move to. I don't really know what I want to do with myself after he gets into his position. We've talked about me going back to school or pursuing some other course, but I guess that will come to me in time. I have lots of ideas and interests, but little direction as to how to make them happen. Again, we have time to see what unfolds, I just have a little trouble with the patience for waiting for that to happen.
I really miss everyone. I miss family in California and the "family" that started to form in Albuquerque. Here, I feel like one of the multitude of workers that inhabit the area. Everyone has their "bubble" that they keep around themselves that keeps others at arm's length from them. I've met some really nice people, but none offer the genuine warmth that I received in Albuquerque. Perhaps they just take a little longer to warm up to someone. With the holidays approaching, this may all change as people get in the mood for gathering and celebrating. Again I'm faced with that word that haunts me: PATIENCE. Ugh! It will eventually beat me into submission, but for now, it escapes me at the worst times, when I need it most, then hangs around afterwards to taunt me, fingering its nose at me.
As usual, I'm writing this before I head off to bed. A good night's sleep may bring me some of that elusive stuff I need so much of these days...
Hmm...maybe this isn't the best area for me to work in.
It started with a chat around the front desk followed by a test that I had to get 100% on. It was preceded by a lengthy manual about safety procedures and proper hotel maintenance. The test was only about 30 questions and a fellow associate conveniently did some paperwork right next to me while I quickly went through the test. She acknowledged my correct answers and made a noise if I considered an incorrect one. It's funny, they all took the test this way or at least had someone go over it with them after they finished, but before they clicked the "send" button to head it off to corporate. Thus, everyone gets 100%. Whatever!
Next I was given a frequently interrupted tour of the facility by the assistant manager. They are capable of housing a lot of dogs there. There's over 120 kennels and some had multiple family members in them, as well as about 25 cat cages. There's rooms designated as the potty rooms for "walking" the dogs in (they have drains in the floor so they can be disinfected and washed down) 3 big rooms for the "doggie daycamp" play areas, and a training room.
Since I had been called in to help with the unexpectedly large volume of guests that had come in, I performed a little bit of every duty, except front desk. I cleaned kennels, did laundry, hugged anxious animals, and assisted in the doggie daycamp room for small dogs. That's where I found out that I can't handle being in a room with about 20 dogs, all clamoring for attention and playing, without having a sneezing fit or breaking out with hives. I did OK for the first 1/2 hour or 45 minutes, but after that, it was uncomfortable and a half hour later I had to leave the room. I was then given the job of cleaning food bowls. It seemed like a never-ending flow of stainless steel bowls that I scrubbed out under hot water and then loaded into a sterilizing machine, similar to a dishwasher. I don't understand why they don't just use a dishwasher, but I guess someone decided this was best. I don't know how long I was at the dishes, but my back was killing me when I finally reached some point at an ebb in the flow and stopped. It was a good time for a break anyway.
The rest of the evening was spent checking on kennels/guests, looking for messes to clean up or animals that looked stressed. It was nice to spend time with them and pet them or pick them up to hold them for a while. The one on one or sometimes two on one time worked out fine for me, I guess the intensity of so much DOG in one room at once is just too much. Actually, the kneeling and bending and up and down, etc. was a little much too. Of course those muscles will get stronger with more use, but at the end of the day, I was sore. Sore and exhausted.
I had today off and mostly rested. I've been told that this time of year is the worst for allergies in Phoenix and I believe it. I've been sneezing for the past 2 weeks and last night's infusion of intense dog had done me in. My sinuses are not happy and so, in order to stave off any potential lurking bacteria (sinus infection) I listened to my body and took a long nap. I feel a little better tonight and will be back at work tomorrow morning. I have no idea what part of the store I'll be in since I've told them to put me anywhere so I can get the most hours. I think the best mix would be to do half a day of cashiering then work in the hotel. Last night's 7 hours was a bit much.
Next weekend we're going to bring the Suzuki motorcycle out of storage and fix it up so I can ride it again. It got crashed last winter and we haven't gotten around to fixing the last few things that are messed up, as well as lowering it so I can flat foot it. I stopped riding it because it was too tall for me and frequently, when I stopped it in a parking lot on uneven ground, it fell over because I couldn't catch it. That was embarrassing and usually broke off one of the hand levers, making it undriveable until it was replaced. They are cheap pot metal, for some reason, and stick out just enough that they catch the brunt of the impact when the bike falls over. Since the bike is top-heavy, it's hard for me to pick it up, too.
The repair and subsequent riding of the bike is because the car I'm driving is making some unsettling noises that make me not trust it to make it to my destination. I think it's the transmission going out and the repairs to the bike are cheaper than getting the transmission fixed. Since I need reliable transportation to go to work to make the money to fix the car, fixing the bike first seems to make the most sense. That way I won't drive the car any more than necessary and it can limp along until it can get some attention. It's about 12 to 15 miles to work, so that's potentially about 180 miles less a week. Besides, since Cameron is getting back into the music business, he'll need the car to take the keyboard to practices and gigs. (It's kind of difficult to carry a full-size keyboard on a motorcycle, though I have come up with some creative thoughts : ) on how to do it.)
I can hardly wait until this year is up and we find out where we'll be heading to next. There are BMW dealerships all over the world and the students at MMI frequently have jobs waiting for them before they graduate. I hope that is the case with us. It would be a nice change to have employers offering jobs, instead of us going hunting for jobs. Most likely, if we stay in the US or Canada, I will be able to just transfer to another store in the city we move to. I don't really know what I want to do with myself after he gets into his position. We've talked about me going back to school or pursuing some other course, but I guess that will come to me in time. I have lots of ideas and interests, but little direction as to how to make them happen. Again, we have time to see what unfolds, I just have a little trouble with the patience for waiting for that to happen.
I really miss everyone. I miss family in California and the "family" that started to form in Albuquerque. Here, I feel like one of the multitude of workers that inhabit the area. Everyone has their "bubble" that they keep around themselves that keeps others at arm's length from them. I've met some really nice people, but none offer the genuine warmth that I received in Albuquerque. Perhaps they just take a little longer to warm up to someone. With the holidays approaching, this may all change as people get in the mood for gathering and celebrating. Again I'm faced with that word that haunts me: PATIENCE. Ugh! It will eventually beat me into submission, but for now, it escapes me at the worst times, when I need it most, then hangs around afterwards to taunt me, fingering its nose at me.
As usual, I'm writing this before I head off to bed. A good night's sleep may bring me some of that elusive stuff I need so much of these days...
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
First Day
Well, today was my first actual work day and I spent it at the cash register. Wow, it's been a long time since I did that. It was fun, for the most part, until the last hour. My back started hurting so I was counting the remaining minutes. I'm looking forward to the cross-training, that will give me more hours and insurance, as well as changes of scenery on a regular basis. The people at the store are very nice and most of the customers were great, so it was a good day.
Cameron's gotten into a second band so will be playing keyboard with 2 bands and dropping the job at the vacuum cleaner store. I think he'll be much happier doing that and it will be nice to have the music back in our lives. I've missed it, even though he's been practicing off and on since we moved, it isn't the same frequency as when he's actively involved in a music project. The adjustment in hours will help, as well, since the intensity of his classes made it tough to maintain such a long work/school day.
I'm thinking about trying to do more commercial writing. I was looking over the blog from Cameron's accident (http://people.bakersfield.com/home/Blog/camsgirl/t1178002800) and pondering the possibilities for using it in a book. Cameron has blog entries, as well, and perhaps combining them with earlier reflections on motorcycling to create something...it's just the what that escapes me. It's a new idea so I'll let it simmer a while and see what comes of it. If something good can come out of all of this, I can't say it was worth the heartache and physical pain/anguish, but at least doing something with all of it might ease some of the destruction that it caused. I hate how thinking about it still swells my throat and makes my eyes well up. Maybe this will be good therapy.
I'm, also, looking into some of my earlier writings and thinking about revising them and testing the waters of the periodical world. I've written some human interest type articles and started a few stories (I'm good at that, it's the finishing that is hard) that were begun when I was at a lull in my general goings-on, but stopped working on them when I got busy. I think it's time to blow the dust off them and see what I can do.
Looking at the time, I think what I can do right now is head in the direction of bed. I start at 9:30 tomorrow and go till 4:30. It's a long stretch at the register, actually the same as today. I need a good night's rest.
Cameron's gotten into a second band so will be playing keyboard with 2 bands and dropping the job at the vacuum cleaner store. I think he'll be much happier doing that and it will be nice to have the music back in our lives. I've missed it, even though he's been practicing off and on since we moved, it isn't the same frequency as when he's actively involved in a music project. The adjustment in hours will help, as well, since the intensity of his classes made it tough to maintain such a long work/school day.
I'm thinking about trying to do more commercial writing. I was looking over the blog from Cameron's accident (http://people.bakersfield.com/home/Blog/camsgirl/t1178002800) and pondering the possibilities for using it in a book. Cameron has blog entries, as well, and perhaps combining them with earlier reflections on motorcycling to create something...it's just the what that escapes me. It's a new idea so I'll let it simmer a while and see what comes of it. If something good can come out of all of this, I can't say it was worth the heartache and physical pain/anguish, but at least doing something with all of it might ease some of the destruction that it caused. I hate how thinking about it still swells my throat and makes my eyes well up. Maybe this will be good therapy.
I'm, also, looking into some of my earlier writings and thinking about revising them and testing the waters of the periodical world. I've written some human interest type articles and started a few stories (I'm good at that, it's the finishing that is hard) that were begun when I was at a lull in my general goings-on, but stopped working on them when I got busy. I think it's time to blow the dust off them and see what I can do.
Looking at the time, I think what I can do right now is head in the direction of bed. I start at 9:30 tomorrow and go till 4:30. It's a long stretch at the register, actually the same as today. I need a good night's rest.
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