Sadness

I'm having a hard time lately. I've never been so far away from my family for so long before. I miss being able to call my mom for a spur of the moment lunch date when I'm out running errands or just need a break from the normal happenings of life. I miss seeing my daughter in the morning, all sleepy and sometimes grumpy, but huggable, just the same. I sometimes wonder who took care of who more.

I know part of this is that I'm making my travel plans for a Christmas visit. It brings up memories and reminds me that it will have been about 6 months since seeing everyone when I make it back there. I think another part of my rawness is the replaying of events from the accident. It's made my psyche a little more delicate.

Today was the hardest day that I've had for a while. I just got done with a week and a half stretch with no days off and fatigue that leaves me focusing on getting off my feet and trying to get a decent night's sleep. Today I rested. Of course, that's a relative term since everyone has their own idea of what is restful.

My plan was to stay off my feet to rest my knees, which are acting up and making the 8 hour shifts at a cash register barely tolerable the last hour. I was going to do more writing, since I can sit in the LazyBoy and keep my feet elevated. Instead I thought about my holiday visit. I called my daughter and we chatted for over an hour. Then I let some tears come. Well, I snuffed them out fairly quickly, it does so little good to cry. There is nothing to change, no misdeeds to regret, no one to fault. Life is doing what life does, maintaining constant movement and motion in a forward direction.

In Albuquerque, I connected with people that felt almost like family. Their company was soothing to the sadness and loneliness I was feeling from the initial departure from our old home. Here, in Phoenix, everything is superficial. I can't seem to find anything soothing to calm my sadness. I exchange pleasantries with neighbors and chat with co-workers, but the connection only lasts as long as the conversation, then it's gone.

Deep down I wonder if part of my observations of others around me is due to a fear of getting close to anyone again. It's so painful to tear away from relationships. Since we're only here a year, is it worth trying to cultivate such friendships? And who knows where we will end up after Cameron's training is completed? It would be nice to have an idea in advance so I can start to get to know the area better. My moving to Phoenix was sort of spur of the moment so there was little known about the place when we left. I had lots of time to research about Albuquerque so it was already familiar to me when we arrived. I guess I need time to get to know where I'm going in order to begin to establish a relationship with it early on. Maybe Phoenix would have seemed less foreign and impersonal had I had time to get to know it first. Time will tell.