More Changes and Challenges Ahead

Sometimes I feel like I'm taking one, loooonnggg, test.  Of what subject or part of my person is being tested, I'm not sure.  I just don't seem to be choosing the correct answers.  At least give me some study quides to work with, or maybe the book to read, before testing me.  It kind of feels unfair to be expected to know the correct answers, when the questions keep popping up as unanswerable because there was no way to study.

Our current trial is the loss of Cameron's job.  They let him go a couple of days ago due to, "the elimination of his position".  Thus, our household vacillates between moments of sheer panic, depression, and the quest for the elusive answer to "what's next?"

At least I still have my job, though I'm looking into making some changes for positions with a higher financial gain.  Someone has offered me a part-time job caring for his mentally disabled sister a couple of days a week, at $5 more an hour than I'm currently making.  Another customer at the store I work at has asked me to stop by a clothing store, downtown, that he and his wife own.  He only needs someone for Sundays, but that would pay $3 more an hour than I currently make.  I could, then, fill in the rest of the week with hours at my current job.

I don't make enough for us to survive here very long.  My pay supplemented his, and even at that we scraped by just barely.  Santa Fe has been a struggle since we moved here and it just seems like this is not the place for us.

Cameron wants to get back to his musical roots and degrees, so is applying at community colleges to teach music. A catch: most are hiring for the fall, so what do we do in between?  If he were to get hired by one  of the colleges, would it be better to find temporary work  there, and move out of costly Santa Fe?  That depends of the cost of living where he will be working.  Then there's the breaking of our lease (which we had just renewed in  Sept.) at a cost of 2 extra month's rent.  How does one come up with moving costs and deposits at a new abode, when the old one is reaching so deeply into your empty pocket?

This compounds the stress and anxiety over what we are to do.  At the moment, we are going one day at a time.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring or what new information will be learned?  I talk with a lot of the customers and learn about their trials and tribulations in finding "that place" where they feel they are supposed to be.  That's also, how I found out about these other jobs.  You can't learn without asking questions and watching the world around you go through the motions of life.

I'm trying to keep my business and podcast going, but my hours have varied so much, from week to week, it's hard to plan and I'm often too exhausted to want to deal with it.  I have a very talented writer slated for my Jan. 15th show, but I haven't interviewed her yet, and will need some time to edit it.  I guess I will be busy working on that on my upcoming days off, Mon. and Tues.  At least the interviews are fun and I love meeting new people.  It will be a nice break from this very long week (50 hours) that I'm just coming off of.

Our animals are reacting to our stress.  Poor JarJar has taken to pulling out his hair on his sides.  Allie seems particularly needy, and Tuesday seems confused and sad each day I leave for work, begging me to stay and snuggle with her, in bed. They are so sensitive to our moods.

I guess one of the hardest parts of all of this, at least for me, is the not knowing what we're going to be doing. I've always been the one to plan our next moves, based on what I know about where we are going or the statistics associated with a particular place.  This time it's completely out of my hands.  It all hinges on who will hire him.  Financially, we'll be much better off, after we catch up with the bills that will follow us.  I just hate the unknown.  It scares me and that often triggers other emotions.  I'm trying to turn that fear into anger.  Anger is a great mobilizer and keeps me from turning into a puddle of anxiety and depression.

Cameron has made some very supportive friends, here.  I think both are AA members and they nudge him to meetings or on motorcycle rides when they see him getting into a pattern of depression.  They  share their strength with him and show him sunlight when all he wants to do is stay in darkness.  Wherever we go, they will be the part of Santa Fe that is missed.

It's getting late and I have to be at work tomorrow, so I need to get some sleep.  Thank you for your continued support through our often insane lives.  It helps to keep us moving forward.