Hanging Out in the Margin

Today was my last day at work and Cameron's graduation from MMI.

We are at the end of a year of turmoil and intense anxiety. It was punctuated with frustrations over how we were going to survive the year-long trek to the point we now find ourselves at. Tears, anger, sadness, and those wonderful interludes of laughter, identified the road we were traveling. No signs needed, we were in it for the long haul and new exactly what our destination was. Unfortunately, we had no idea what was in store for us along the way.

Tomorrow is another long day to finish packing. We've only done a little here and there during the week. Fatigue, from all the effort put into getting to the finish line, left us drained and with little drive to put more energy into anything. So, here we sit, with boxes all around us and our livingroom feeling smaller and more confining each day.

It's funny about the boxes. Allie, our resident girly-girl cat, has been taking great glee in toppling empty boxes. Her efforts wall off sections of the room from our dog, Tuesday, who has little room left to fetch her toys. Are these antics intentional or convenient accidents? She seems little bothered by the adjustments to her surroundings as she casually assumes her usual position (sprawled out on her back with her legs splayed to the sides) on the tile floor of our entry.

JarJar, on the other hand, is very disturbed by the whole moving thing. He is known to ponder the wonders of his universe while gazing at the world through reflections in the bathroom mirror. Lately, he has been brooding over the chaos that used to be his livingroom, from the tall counter that overlooks the kitchen and the mess below. His posture is sullen and he sits there like a gargoyle looking out from some ancient stone structure.

Our move will be to Santa Fe, not Albuquerque, as we had originally planned. We decided it would be better to live near the location that he will spend most of the year at. Even though rent is higher there, the reduced wear and tear on his bike will make up for it. We don't have a place to live, yet. We will be staying at a La Quinta Inn for a few days while we scout out the area and view several prospective locations. Our move to Phoenix, sight unseen, was more than enough to convince us not to try that again. (Apartments look much better in the 10 year old pictures displayed in their ads, than they do in real life.)

As I learn more about Santa Fe, it is looking like it will be a good fit for us. There is a lot of culture and abundant opportunities to really get to know the community. I am, also, looking forward to true seasons. Sitting at almost 7,000 feet, Santa Fe receives several inches at a time of snow in the winter, the summers are briefly in the 90's, the spring brings abundant blossoms and the fall is crisp in anticipation of the first snow. A nice change from the 2 season climate of Phoenix.

Ah, the day's activities are finally catching up with me and tomorrow is a very busy day. So, it's off to bed and, if the neighbor's dogs stop barking for more than 20 minutes, hopefully a restful night's sleep.

I Can See Clearly Now.....

Aaahhh...I'm back on 4 wheels again, and with a fresh, new, windshield. I found a fantastic auto glass company owned by a 26 year old guy who seems to have good fortune smiling on him. He even shares it, too.

I stood outside with him while he did the replacement and seemed to enjoy my questions as to the techniques used. I told him a little about what has been going on the past year and how we've pretty much just been hunkering down till the school part was over. He said he had been swindled in the past, as well.

When it was time to pay the bill, he told me the amount would be adjusted on the computer at the shop. I didn't understand what he was talking about until I saw the amount. He had cut it in half. I asked him why, and he said Cameron and I should go out to dinner. He was only charging me for materials. When I told him he didn't need to do that, he said he was the owner of the company and he could do what ever he wanted to do. Wow. I took several cards to share with co-workers and thanked him profusely.

Not long after the work was done and the generous repairman was on his way to spend the afternoon with his girlfriend on the lake, Cameron called. He only had a minute, but he had made it to Santa Fe and the interview was going well. I gave him a brief explanation about the windshield and he said he'd call me later.

So, I was off to the car wash to vacuum out the remaining glass and scrub off two weeks of muddied dirt from my car. I decided to make the long overdue trip to the grocery store, as well. It was amazing looking out on the road through that clean, clear glass. The previous windshield was badly pitted and had a crack running vertically on the driver's side. It was like finally getting glasses and actually seeing the details of your surroundings that you had been missing.

As to this past week, Cameron did well in his class, despite his misgivings about his abilities. Faith in one's self is so hard to come by sometimes. It seems so much easier to have faith in others, and support their endeavors, than to look inside and find the grand person hiding within.

Being Taken and Moving Forward

The mechanic who worked on my car last month seemed OK. A bit of a workaholic who seemed to thrive on rushing around from job to job. He was a "friend of Bill's" so they are usually alright. He fixed my car just fine and didn't charge and arm and a leg.

Well, last week I parked my car under a eucalyptus tree in the parking area of our apartment and a branch fell on it. It went right through the front windshield. Wonderful! I had just gotten back behind the wheel, and now I am back to busing it again.

We managed to scrape together some funds to get it fixed by the same guy who had fixed it before. He said he had quite a bit of experience with replacing windows/windshields, and his price was within reason. He came by Friday to take a look at the damage and we paid him so he could pick up the windshield. I know, we should not have paid him until after the repair, but he was very quick and reasonable before.

That was before. We spent our weekend waiting around for him as he called to tell us that it would be a little longer before he made it to our place. Then it was the next day he'd be over. Then his "new" phone number was disconnected. We left messages at his previous number, even texted him. No calls had been returned. He was gone.

The internet is a wonderful thing. I've been searching for him and found a new number for a shop with a general location indicated. I only have his first name, but when Cameron called the number, it was his voice on the other end. He denied being the Ron who had worked on my car, but we know it was him. We will get our money back, or at least make him terribly paranoid.

Other news? Well, it's looking more and more like we may be moving to Santa Fe, NM. Cameron had a phone interview last week and the manager wants to see him this coming weekend. He's even footing the hotel bill. I'll keep you posted as this progresses.

As the end of his classes is drawing nearer for him, Cameron is pushed even harder. It's a stressful point in his training as his skills are tested to perfection and there is so little time to complete tasks. He's doing well, though, despite the pressure. His grades are great and he's putting his all into it.

At the end of the day he's wiped out and a little withdrawn. Unwinding from the intensity that he had maintained for the previous 5 hours, is his main goal. It's sometimes frustrating as I would love to talk about things that are going on, but I know he just needs quiet to let his mind and body recover. It's only a little while longer. He will be finished with this 3 week round of testing on Friday, and will begin a new segment on electrical. That should be more enjoyable as he seems to have a knack for it.

I guess it's 25 days and counting. We've almost made it.

As a Numbness Settles Over the Desert

It was terribly anti-climactic. The ecstatic feelings from the night before, bled into a gray haze as day after day he returned home in a state of turmoil from the day's efforts. Pain, frustration, and anger greeted me each time he walked through the door and threw down his gear.

Is there a haze in his focus and determination? It's now dampened.  The spark of excitement, that only weeks before surrounded him, is dim and tired. I gather the strength of years ago and maintain the rock I once provided to him, as he healed from injuries that were deep inside him.

Has the weight of understanding the two-wheeled beasts taken away his love of the creatures? The healing power of "The Ride" evades him, even now, as he mounts his steed to be whisked off to the world of Technicians and Teachers.

Perhaps a gathering of like minds would help to heal his soul, as they talk of past journeys and conquests of the open road; each one igniting a small flame and extinguishing the darkness.

Is That Light Up Ahead?

When things are at their darkest, it is comforting to know that we have caring and generous family that seems to come along with a light bulb, just in the nick of time. I have been stumbling around in the dark so much that the light that was provided brought tears to my eyes. I am so grateful for their kindness.

It's easier to carry a burden when you can see where you are going. The path is smoother, you can see the ceiling of the tunnel so you don't bump your head; mine has gotten quite lumpy lately. And the beautiful light up ahead is amazing. So, we move forward with a straighter stance and some confidence in our steps and look forward to seeing what the world is like at the end of the tunnel.

Hopes Dashed and Uncertain Future

I've been trying to figure out how we can manage to make it to the next part of our journey. We barely tread water to maintain an existence for the past 10 months and now are on the brink of completing the first leg. We have been basically camping out in our apartment, foregoing eating out and having much in the way of furniture or other niceties. It's been very difficult emotionally and now the end is in sight.

But with only 6 weeks to go, I can't see past the end of his classes. There is no light at the end of this tunnel, only darkness. To be employed as a mechanic, he must have his own tools, and they must be of professional quality. To be employed, we must go to where the work is, but there is no way to get there, not to mention no way to find housing without the funds for the deposit and first month's rent. We have no moving fund, no savings, no safety net to catch us when we fall. That has been exhausted trying to survive the first 7 months when I wasn't able to find any work other than a part-time cashier job.

We're so close and yet miles away. I contacted the financial aid office at his school to see if there are any funds left over from his student loans that might be able to help us. But they told me there was nothing available. They recommended another type of student loan that we would have to pursue with an outside organization, but it is credit-based and so unattainable. We have had no extra money available to pay for anything other than rent, food, and utilities, and so creditors have rated us poorly.

It appears that we will be left to find work in Phoenix after he graduates. I can probably stay with my current job, though my position is considered temporary, but we don't know if there will be any openings at the local BMW motorcycle dealer. It feels like this whole year has been for nothing. All the work and sacrifices were just pipe dreams and now we are left to wallow in the muck left behind in our pursuit of a new beginning.

Why does this happen? It looked like this was the direction we were intended to go, but now it seems like some big sick joke. Couldn't we have at least been left in a place with a better climate? The heat just eats away at my energy and since we don't turn the air conditioner on much, the apartment is often on the stuffy side.

OK, I am grateful for my job, for without it we wouldn't have gotten this far. The insurance has been a huge help. We do have a roof over our heads, regardless of the questionable surroundings, we are not out on the street. Perhaps this will lead us somewhere else, but what of all the intense training Cameron has endured? What was that for? Again, I fail to see the humor in this. I feel more fear and sadness than anything. A more anti-climactic ending than expected, like the music crescendoed and suddenly stopped; and there is dead silence.

When Tired, Temptations & Distractions Are Most Appealing

As we draw closer to the end of our current journey, we are finding ourselves more and more tired of towing the line. Exhaustion and months of frustration thrown in our paths creates a strong desire to give up, even though we are almost done.

It's strange how little things that used to easily sideline us in the early throws of this trek into the unknown, have become so large. The desires for more enjoyment and fun have been held at bay during the struggles to avail, but now they taunt us and dare us to veer off course and into the abiss.

We have been existing for the past 10 months, hunkering down behind a financial wall that is demolished, one brick at a time. Now, with very little left of our wall, we are fearful of what we cannot protect ourselves from. How will we make it to the next phase of our adventure and will we survive it?

There are 8 more weeks before graduation. 8 weeks to purchase a tool box and tools. 8 weeks to gather first and last month's rent for our new home, as well as moving expenses. 8 weeks until our lives get turned upside down again, of course for the better, but never the less dismantled and reconstructed.

I am told that over the next several weeks, there will be plenty of overtime opportunities where I work. What that means exactly, is yet to be seen. I got in 6 hours last week. I am hoping that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I think we can find a decent tool box on Craig's List for a reasonable price. Used will do to get started. Soon he will be called to the placement office to begin working on a resume and to find out where the openings are. They start doing it between 6-9 weeks of graduation. Once we have a better idea as to where we will be moving to, it will be easier to form a tangible plan. Until then, bouts of panic strike at ill timed moments and anxiety is trapped in our dreams.