On Lost Faith and Finding the Road to Spirituality

It's been a tense and exhausting weekend. My manager at Petsmart is a jerk, plain and simple. He lacks people skills and doesn't seem to know about leading by example. It's made it difficult to put in the hours lately. I'm sending out resumes as fast as I can, but doing a physical follow-up is difficult until the car is fixed, which should be in the next couple of days.

As far as the car is concerned, one charge is getting me to and from work, barring any traffic snafus. One evening there was an accident and traffic slowed to a crawl for a couple of blocks. 4 blocks from home, the instrument panel dials stopped working and the lights dimmed. I crept it in the last block with very little power. I'll be happy to have a working alternator soon.

I guess it makes sense that as major issues clear up, other ones become apparent. I've been on edge a lot and I guess the whole thing came to a head last night, revealing a nasty case of PTSD. I had concerns about it almost a year ago, but was focusing on Cameron's well-being and all the stuff he was going through. I guess, now it's time to address my issues.

I have a lot of negativity raging inside me; mostly fear, loss, and anger. None of these things were allowed to be displayed during Cameron's lengthy healing process. At least that's what I thought would be best for him. Now it's exploding like some sort of nasty abscess and I'm trying to make sense of all the pieces.

Cameron and I used to talk about faith and spirituality. Not in a particular religious sense, but discussing various philosophies and how maintaining a positive energy flow was important to keeping positive things coming in our direction. He's voiced concerns about my lack of spiritual awareness these days. I have trouble finding hope and and find myself focusing on what is wrong with our situation, rather than what is right.

I think is was early in Cameron's recovery that my faith was finally snuffed out. Every day was a grind of fear and fatigue. Patience was put above all else, because that was what I needed most to get through each step back. So that was my mantra as I watched him try to do more than he should and as I took the verbal backlash as he swore against my concerns. I was in my own little hell sometimes and faith just wasn't to be found.

So, today we discussed my situation and how to remedy it, or at least to get me through it until we can get some professional assistance, after insurance. I need to find that positive self that I used to have. There are glimpses of it off and on, but to maintain it is difficult. Crying has become a frequent pasttime.

Meditation has been recommended, though I don't know how I can quiet the endless chatter inside my brain. I guess it's something learned. Cameron regularly reads Sermon on the Mount, by Emmet Fox, and has recommended that I try it. I guess it's all a start. I feel hesitant, though, perhaps even fearful of epening that part of me. I don't really know why, except that maybe the sad place I've been frequenting lately is so much easier to fall into.

Well, here goes...
Chapter 1...