Seeing Things for What They Are

Since making the move to Phoenix, I've had a hard time maintaining a positive attitude about our situation. It's been a daily ritual to remind myself of why we're here and of the light at the end of the tunnel. Slipping and falling into depressive slump is an on-going peril that I sometimes have difficulty navigating around.

It's been hard. Employment has been tricky, especially since so many local establishments are closed or closing, creating more people who are looking for work. I'm thankful for the hours I'm getting at Petsmart, but even they have been cut during the belt-tightening process that's so pervasive here. I continue to apply for better paying positions, but so far, that hasn't produced any positive results. The further insult of transportation difficulties only made things worse.

Perhaps that tide is beginning to change. Last week, Cameron applied some of his new-found knowledge to my car. He learned that electrical problems can mimic others. So, he checked the battery, it was a goner. After replacing it, he found that it wasn't being charged, the alternator is bad. Well, that's cheaper to replace than the transmission, so as soon as the repair manual that I ordered arrives, we'll get to work on replacing it. The transmission is still a little shaky, but hopefully, this will keep me on the road at least another six months. For now, we charge the battery every night so I can drive to work and back.

Another positive note, it looks like Cameron will be returning to his old job at Oreck, repairing vacuum cleaners. That will help counter the constant leak from what is left from our retirement funds. I still need to find something full-time, or at least part-time with better pay than I'm getting now, but every added dollar helps.

One of the things that has suffered during this time is the online magazine. I haven't had much interest in maintaining it or working on the podcast. I'm trying to change that, so this week I started sprucing it up here and there and clearing the dark mush from my brain. It's work, but it's something that I need to do to try to normalize things again.

My writing has suffered, as well. It felt like I had lost part of me when my laptop was stolen. I had poured so much emotion into the files, so much pain, that I thought I was done having to feel or remember. It was incredibly disheartening to realize it was gone and I would have to start over. I'm trying to work on it again. It's taking a different life this time, and perhaps it's for the better. My first work was raw and full of hurt, and maybe that needed to pass so I could attend to the real story. I guess we'll see what comes of it.

A very wise man, who was my mentor and supervisor during my stint as a social worker, kept emphasizing the importance of the "process" of going from point A to point B, both in the physical and intellectual/emotional aspects of a project or plan. I've said it before, that the path we choose, whether it's rocky or smooth, is all part of the adventure or journey that we embarked on early in life. To be able to see past the haze and the potholes, to what is beyond their entrapment, is important.

Well, I've washed my glasses and gotten most of the smudges off. Perhaps I'll be able to see better now.