Searching for Faith and Finding Meaning

Last night was a terrible night, riddled with insomnia, night sweats, and insistent bouts of restless leg syndrome. I have been fairly free of this level of discomfort for almost a year, so when it came on, I wasn't prepared. In the past, expensive medications were always available to ease me back to a comfort level that allowed me to drift back off to dreamy destinations. Not so last night, perhaps tonight, as well.

Today, I felt beat up and my legs weak. I called in to work to see if my schedule could be switched with someone else, my manager said he'd take care of it. (Yes, the same one I mentioned earlier.) So I spent a good portion of the day trying to figure out my spiritual quandary by reading "Sermon on the Mount".

It's not exactly the kind of book you do in one day, but I don't always find the time to read, especially something that might be "good for me". Digging into the difficult text brought me some enlightenment, and some frustration. At times I felt like I should have a dictionary handy in order to figure out what the author was trying to say, and that distracts me from the point that I am trying to understand. (If you write a book or story for the masses, it needs to be of a vocabulary level that the masses will understand. Throwing "scholarly" words throughout the pages only separates those who will actually get the point you are trying to make. OK, climbing off my soapbox, I'll continue...)

Needless to say, it has given me some things to think about. I then proceeded to begin reading "Man's Search for Meaning", that has been recommended to me. I have only gotten about half way through it, but it comes out of a different direction as a means to understand what I feel so lacking.

I lament about my losses and needs; hunger for a "better" life, in a nicer place. I have accepted my job, my apartment, my financial situation as a "lot" that I have drawn. I have lost focus of the things that make up my "home"; my husband, our 4-legged beasties, faith in knowing that we can handle whatever comes our way, as a family. I remember writing in my blog, when Cameron was in the hospital, that I had found considerably more strength than I thought I could possibly muster. I knew that I would not be given any more than I could handle. I'm doing my best to rally that faith that it will all work out in time, that the world will not end, and that through all of this, I will learn more about myself.