Customer Service?

Empathy. The American Heritage Dictionary defines it as:

NOUN:

1. Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives.

I, often too easily, feel others' feelings and sense their pain and frustration, happiness and triumphs. I guess my empathy dial is turned up just a little too high. It gets in the way of professional duties and adds to my emotional drainage. At the end of the day, I feel sucked dry.

It has come in handy in some of the professions I have pursued, counseling, working with at risk youth, sharing what I have to bolster them where they hurt. Helping them toward the end of the tunnel when no end seems possible.

My current job is helping people wade through paperwork to be able to receive assistance to go to college. The hope and fear I hear in "older" people going back to school, the frustration of the non-computer generation trying to cope with the demands of our ever-increasing paperless world that seems very hostile and confusing; I am cheerleader, computer tech., hand-holder, and listener. I bite my tongue while being berated by controlling fathers and irate teenagers.

Call times must be brief, but at the same time questions answered. I hear the relief in callers' voices when I walk them through a difficult section that other representatives refused to take the time to do. I've cheered with callers who finally made it through the last part of the process, and consoled those who have to begin again due to some mistake they made.

The question is how do I do my job to best of my ability, while still keeping the calls at the extreme briefest length? I feel guilty ending a call when I know the caller will be having to call back in 5 minutes because they are heading towards a difficult part to navigate, or are obviously lost beyond the one question they initially asked.

We are told to only answer their questions and move on. It's fine if they have to call back a dozen times and only fed small tidbits of information and cut off before they can recall another issue they are having. It changes the meaning of "customer service representative". Of course, as long as they are calling back, there will be a need for representatives, but at a cost to those we are serving.

So, each day I wage a battle with my desire to help the people I speak with and the monitor that times my calls. In the end I am exhausted. I give what I can, in encapsulated form, and move on; haunted by the fear, frustration, and insecurity in the voice of the person I just left hanging as I abruptly end the call.

All The Hours I Can Eat!

Wow, 61+ hour weeks! I never would have pictured myself working this kind of schedule; luckily, it's only for a couple of weeks. This is crunch time for students applying for $ aid and many states have Mar. 1st as their deadline. Thus, the extra hours to help all those people rushing to get their applications in in time.

So far, I really like my job. I see myself as, not only someone there to guide them through the process, but as a cheerleader of sorts, to keep their spirits up as they tackle the aid process. Lots of people get so worried and frustrated when it doesn't go right the first time, that they call us and we have to unwind them a litttle to get them to the point that we can get useful information out of them. I have fun with it and get them laughing.

My supervisor is great as well as those who work around me. I sometimes have trouble focusing on the caller when the hum of the room gets too loud. I don't know how many people are actively working on "the floor" at any given time, but there have been instances where it sounded like a giant beehive. Very odd sensation.

Last weekend we went to a motorcycle parts store to get a battery for the Suzuki. We met a guy there that does alot of work on his own bikes and has lived in Phoenix for a number of years. I asked him if he knew of any reputable car repair shops in Phoenix and he recommended one that I'm going to check out. I'm so tired of my car leaving puddles everywhere I park, not to mention having to refill the reservoirs of the leaking parts every other day. Perhaps they can give me some insight into the other things wrong with it.

I just realized that I haven't written for about 3 weeks. Almost that long ago, my car got broken into. They tried to steal it and must have been amateurs. They used a screw driver and drilled out my entire ignition switch. So, now I have this inch+ diameter conical hole where the ignition switch is supposed to be, thus I am hotwiring my car to start it. Cameron made a wire plug in arrangement for me under the dash so I can start it up pretty quickly. The main drawback is that I have to carry around a couple of ignition wires, as well as my keys to open the doors. Last weekend I locked my keys in the car because I hadn't put them all the way in my purse and they dropped on the seat on my way out. Thank goodness for AAA!

JarJar is doing well. I gave up on trying to keep their food separate, so switched to the prescription dry food a little earlier than was recommended, but now they can eat the same thing and it is out all the time. Apparently, he has been have some trouble with this for a long time. For as long as I have been his "mom", he has had cat box issues (refusing to pee in the box) and now he is readily using it. I wish I had been aware of this before, it would have saved us a lot of worry about the carpets in our rentals getting smelly.

Well, I have done about all the unwinding I can afford to do. I need to get to bed. Good Night!

Furry Feline Turns Household Upside Down

There's been a lot of change here, lately. The biggest being the start of my new job. Well, technically, I haven't started doing the actual job that I have been hire for. For the first 3 weeks I'm in training, getting my head stuffed with as much as anyone would ever care to know about the financial aid process, or at least, where to find it. This first week went well and each day I walked out of the building feeling like there must have been strands of information hanging out of my ears, or anywhere else in my head that they might find a hole to ooze out of.

Then there's coming home to our four-legged trio, Tuesday, Allie, and JarJar (yes, that's Binks). Since Monday, they have all been placed on a twice a day feeding regimine. Though that is probably better for them, it has created quite an adjustment for us humans. You see, last Friday JarJar wandered into the livingroom and attempted to pee on the carpet in front of us. He followed this with a planitiff MEOW that told us he was not in good shape.

Urinary blockages are not unknown to me, having dealt with it with a previous family kitty. I looked it up in my trusty "Taking Care of Your Cat" book to verify his symptoms and the flow chart on the page directed me to get him to the vet immediately. Thankfully, I wasn't working at Petsmart that day so it wasn't difficult for me to attend to our poor boy. It took calls to a couple of vets to find one that could see him TODAY.

So, over $1100 and 3 days later I brought him home. Actually, it wasn't exactly that easy. In addition to 2 medications to be given twice a day for the next week or so, there are dietary changes. For the cats, who are used to having a bowl of dry food out all the time, to nibble on throughout the day, it is a challenge.

JarJar has prescription canned food that he is supposed to eat, for at least a few weeks, then we can switch to the prescription dry food for both of them (of course it's a lot more expensive.) Allie could stand to lose some weight so the controlled feedings are probably good for her, but since we can't leave the regular dry food out for her, she is getting some canned food, as well. Just not the same kind. The main problem is that they have to be closely monitored when they eat because JarJar has decided that Allie's food smells much better than his does.

Now Tuesday, well, it is quite likely that JarJar's love of her food is what got him into this mess, to begin with. Thus, she can no longer have her daily ration of dry food left out for her to graze on throughout the day. In order to get her to eat a meal in one sitting, I am now mixing a little canned food in with her dry food. Works great.

One of the many reasons I like to feed everyone dry food is the lack of any major odor from it. Now that canned food is the rage in our household, it seems like all I can smell anymore is that awful canned food. I mean it's permeated my sinuses. At work I have passing awareness of that smell on several occassions throughout the day. Our kitchen is very small and separated from the livingroom by a small breakfast bar. It seems to cascade over the bar into that area. The fact that they are fed on the counters most likely doesn't help, but it's the only way to keep the dog out of their food and to easily monitor them. (One eats on the left side of the sink, the other the right.)

My morning starts at least a half hour earlier than it would have the previous week, in order to attend to the "starving" beasties that have been stripped of their ability to engage in late night snacking. When I come home, I am greeted by 3 eager faces, watching my every move to make sure I don't forget to feed them and loudly announcing their plight. I'm looking forward to the dry food switch. It comes out cheaper than the canned food and I can get back to an easier feeding routine. Tuesday will have to remain on the 2 meal plan, in order to keep JarJar from pilfering her meals.

It's amazing how such a small creature can have such a huge impact on our lives. Of course, anyone who shares their home to one, or more, will attest to both the positive and negative points to this sort of relationship. I know I will get used to the new situation and it is best for everyone (at least for the furry ones of the household). Perhaps that is the feline in me, uncomfortable with changes to my routines and the offering of strange-smelling food!

The Tide is Turning

Yesterday I went for a job interview with a company that contracts with the federal government to provide call center services for various programs. By the end of the day, I had a new job!

It pays $2.30 more an hour than Petsmart and is full-time, with company paid benefits. Finally, some benefits! We've been without for 9 month, so far, and it is an insecure place to be. I start on the 2nd. I'm going to keep a foot in the door at Petsmart, at least for a little while, by working for a few hours on Saturdays. My new job is Monday through Friday and I got to pick my shift. We'll see how all this goes in the coming weeks.

This has boosted moral here and given us some hope for the coming months. Between my new job and whatever Cameron finds for part time work, we should be able to make ends meet through August with what's left of our savings. Cameron will be done with classes near the end of August, so we will be moving to wherever our new home is, then. Most students have a job waiting for them by the time they graduate.

As far as everything else goes, we're doing OK. The 4-legged beasts are happy and well. I do wish we had a yard for them to play in. We have a doggy door in one of our sliding doors that lets them out to the balcony, but we have quite a lot of stuff out there so there's not much play room. Allie's often sprawled out on the floor, on her back, in a patch of sunshine from one of our living room windows. Tuesday hangs out in the closet or under the bed when we're not home. She gets so scared when she hears noises outside. (This complex is much noisier than the one we were in, in Albuquerque.) JarJar, well, he's JarJar. He usually naps on our bed or in some corner of the living room. (Often he sits by the sink in the bathroom and watches himself in the mirror.)

Cameron's been doing exceptionally well with his classes. I'm quite proud of his transformation from one who is afraid to change the oil on his bike (when I first met him almost 4 years ago) to being able to rebuild and trouble-shoot bikes. Very cool! I'm not sure how much longer he will be in the general motorcycle classes, before he moves into the BMW-specific classes, but that will be an interesting change. I'm looking forward to seeing his further growth in that area and enjoying his increased confidence in his abilities. More cool stuff.

As for me, I'm just taking care of business. Keeping the household intact and doing my best to help us stay afloat. The new job has taken an incredible weight off my shoulders and that is huge. I'm still searching for meaning, but my faith has increased. I don't have a clear sense of what that means, exactly, but I don't feel so alone these days.

Tonight I searched for a book that I was reminded about by someone close, but I couldn't find it. Instead I uncovered a couple of books that are interpretations of the Tao Te Ching; The Couple's Tao Te Ching, and The Sage's Tao Te Ching. They were purchased on 2 separate occasions from a little shop in Cambria, CA, during our many trips to the coast.

The first one, joined our lives a few weeks after Cameron and I had met. I used to randomly open the book daily and email the passage to him at work. So, I opened it to a page and found "A Field of Dreams":

You do not exist to fulfill each other's dreams,
but to show each other the place
where these hopes are born.
Do not impose your dreams upon each other.
You must each follow the images
that arise within your own hearts.
But you can create for each other an open field
where dreams can grow and flourish.
~
Do not try to "tweek" or modify
the dreams of your beloved.
These are deeply personal
and must be treated with great respect.
Giving help and encouragement to each other
in the following of dreams
is good and proper.
But the dreams themselves are sacred
and must be given great respect.

Another book I came across, "The Language of Positive Thinking", I did the same with it and found a passage about being free. Free of guilt, resentment, blame, fear, discouragement, and worry. It describes the search for this freedom as not for "timid souls. The road inside is cluttered with all sorts of baggage and illusions as well as erroneous beliefs that have come etched on your mind. Your key to freedom lies in your power to control your thoughts."

For me, this follows what I've embarked on, my search for spirituality, and it is also part of my search for my dreams. In the past I have denounced my dreams for the sake of pleasing others and found resentment and sadness. It got to the point where I couldn't find myself any more, let alone what my dreams were. By not respecting my own dreams and my own needs, I opened the door for others to do the same.

Thankfully, Cameron has always encouraged me to find myself and to be the best "me" that I can be. I guess I fell back into old habits and let myself fall by the wayside, getting lost somewhere along the road. Bit by bit I'm finding the stray pieces, like breadcrumbs along the path I've just come along. Retracing my steps, I hope to find where I wandered take a hard look at what was going on in my head at the time. Perhaps to avoid a similar mishap in the future.

Searching for Faith and Finding Meaning

Last night was a terrible night, riddled with insomnia, night sweats, and insistent bouts of restless leg syndrome. I have been fairly free of this level of discomfort for almost a year, so when it came on, I wasn't prepared. In the past, expensive medications were always available to ease me back to a comfort level that allowed me to drift back off to dreamy destinations. Not so last night, perhaps tonight, as well.

Today, I felt beat up and my legs weak. I called in to work to see if my schedule could be switched with someone else, my manager said he'd take care of it. (Yes, the same one I mentioned earlier.) So I spent a good portion of the day trying to figure out my spiritual quandary by reading "Sermon on the Mount".

It's not exactly the kind of book you do in one day, but I don't always find the time to read, especially something that might be "good for me". Digging into the difficult text brought me some enlightenment, and some frustration. At times I felt like I should have a dictionary handy in order to figure out what the author was trying to say, and that distracts me from the point that I am trying to understand. (If you write a book or story for the masses, it needs to be of a vocabulary level that the masses will understand. Throwing "scholarly" words throughout the pages only separates those who will actually get the point you are trying to make. OK, climbing off my soapbox, I'll continue...)

Needless to say, it has given me some things to think about. I then proceeded to begin reading "Man's Search for Meaning", that has been recommended to me. I have only gotten about half way through it, but it comes out of a different direction as a means to understand what I feel so lacking.

I lament about my losses and needs; hunger for a "better" life, in a nicer place. I have accepted my job, my apartment, my financial situation as a "lot" that I have drawn. I have lost focus of the things that make up my "home"; my husband, our 4-legged beasties, faith in knowing that we can handle whatever comes our way, as a family. I remember writing in my blog, when Cameron was in the hospital, that I had found considerably more strength than I thought I could possibly muster. I knew that I would not be given any more than I could handle. I'm doing my best to rally that faith that it will all work out in time, that the world will not end, and that through all of this, I will learn more about myself.

On Lost Faith and Finding the Road to Spirituality

It's been a tense and exhausting weekend. My manager at Petsmart is a jerk, plain and simple. He lacks people skills and doesn't seem to know about leading by example. It's made it difficult to put in the hours lately. I'm sending out resumes as fast as I can, but doing a physical follow-up is difficult until the car is fixed, which should be in the next couple of days.

As far as the car is concerned, one charge is getting me to and from work, barring any traffic snafus. One evening there was an accident and traffic slowed to a crawl for a couple of blocks. 4 blocks from home, the instrument panel dials stopped working and the lights dimmed. I crept it in the last block with very little power. I'll be happy to have a working alternator soon.

I guess it makes sense that as major issues clear up, other ones become apparent. I've been on edge a lot and I guess the whole thing came to a head last night, revealing a nasty case of PTSD. I had concerns about it almost a year ago, but was focusing on Cameron's well-being and all the stuff he was going through. I guess, now it's time to address my issues.

I have a lot of negativity raging inside me; mostly fear, loss, and anger. None of these things were allowed to be displayed during Cameron's lengthy healing process. At least that's what I thought would be best for him. Now it's exploding like some sort of nasty abscess and I'm trying to make sense of all the pieces.

Cameron and I used to talk about faith and spirituality. Not in a particular religious sense, but discussing various philosophies and how maintaining a positive energy flow was important to keeping positive things coming in our direction. He's voiced concerns about my lack of spiritual awareness these days. I have trouble finding hope and and find myself focusing on what is wrong with our situation, rather than what is right.

I think is was early in Cameron's recovery that my faith was finally snuffed out. Every day was a grind of fear and fatigue. Patience was put above all else, because that was what I needed most to get through each step back. So that was my mantra as I watched him try to do more than he should and as I took the verbal backlash as he swore against my concerns. I was in my own little hell sometimes and faith just wasn't to be found.

So, today we discussed my situation and how to remedy it, or at least to get me through it until we can get some professional assistance, after insurance. I need to find that positive self that I used to have. There are glimpses of it off and on, but to maintain it is difficult. Crying has become a frequent pasttime.

Meditation has been recommended, though I don't know how I can quiet the endless chatter inside my brain. I guess it's something learned. Cameron regularly reads Sermon on the Mount, by Emmet Fox, and has recommended that I try it. I guess it's all a start. I feel hesitant, though, perhaps even fearful of epening that part of me. I don't really know why, except that maybe the sad place I've been frequenting lately is so much easier to fall into.

Well, here goes...
Chapter 1...