More Changes and Challenges Ahead

Sometimes I feel like I'm taking one, loooonnggg, test.  Of what subject or part of my person is being tested, I'm not sure.  I just don't seem to be choosing the correct answers.  At least give me some study quides to work with, or maybe the book to read, before testing me.  It kind of feels unfair to be expected to know the correct answers, when the questions keep popping up as unanswerable because there was no way to study.

Our current trial is the loss of Cameron's job.  They let him go a couple of days ago due to, "the elimination of his position".  Thus, our household vacillates between moments of sheer panic, depression, and the quest for the elusive answer to "what's next?"

At least I still have my job, though I'm looking into making some changes for positions with a higher financial gain.  Someone has offered me a part-time job caring for his mentally disabled sister a couple of days a week, at $5 more an hour than I'm currently making.  Another customer at the store I work at has asked me to stop by a clothing store, downtown, that he and his wife own.  He only needs someone for Sundays, but that would pay $3 more an hour than I currently make.  I could, then, fill in the rest of the week with hours at my current job.

I don't make enough for us to survive here very long.  My pay supplemented his, and even at that we scraped by just barely.  Santa Fe has been a struggle since we moved here and it just seems like this is not the place for us.

Cameron wants to get back to his musical roots and degrees, so is applying at community colleges to teach music. A catch: most are hiring for the fall, so what do we do in between?  If he were to get hired by one  of the colleges, would it be better to find temporary work  there, and move out of costly Santa Fe?  That depends of the cost of living where he will be working.  Then there's the breaking of our lease (which we had just renewed in  Sept.) at a cost of 2 extra month's rent.  How does one come up with moving costs and deposits at a new abode, when the old one is reaching so deeply into your empty pocket?

This compounds the stress and anxiety over what we are to do.  At the moment, we are going one day at a time.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring or what new information will be learned?  I talk with a lot of the customers and learn about their trials and tribulations in finding "that place" where they feel they are supposed to be.  That's also, how I found out about these other jobs.  You can't learn without asking questions and watching the world around you go through the motions of life.

I'm trying to keep my business and podcast going, but my hours have varied so much, from week to week, it's hard to plan and I'm often too exhausted to want to deal with it.  I have a very talented writer slated for my Jan. 15th show, but I haven't interviewed her yet, and will need some time to edit it.  I guess I will be busy working on that on my upcoming days off, Mon. and Tues.  At least the interviews are fun and I love meeting new people.  It will be a nice break from this very long week (50 hours) that I'm just coming off of.

Our animals are reacting to our stress.  Poor JarJar has taken to pulling out his hair on his sides.  Allie seems particularly needy, and Tuesday seems confused and sad each day I leave for work, begging me to stay and snuggle with her, in bed. They are so sensitive to our moods.

I guess one of the hardest parts of all of this, at least for me, is the not knowing what we're going to be doing. I've always been the one to plan our next moves, based on what I know about where we are going or the statistics associated with a particular place.  This time it's completely out of my hands.  It all hinges on who will hire him.  Financially, we'll be much better off, after we catch up with the bills that will follow us.  I just hate the unknown.  It scares me and that often triggers other emotions.  I'm trying to turn that fear into anger.  Anger is a great mobilizer and keeps me from turning into a puddle of anxiety and depression.

Cameron has made some very supportive friends, here.  I think both are AA members and they nudge him to meetings or on motorcycle rides when they see him getting into a pattern of depression.  They  share their strength with him and show him sunlight when all he wants to do is stay in darkness.  Wherever we go, they will be the part of Santa Fe that is missed.

It's getting late and I have to be at work tomorrow, so I need to get some sleep.  Thank you for your continued support through our often insane lives.  It helps to keep us moving forward.

The Up Hill Climb Just Never Ends

I'm in the middle of my 4th week at Office Max and have gotten my first paycheck last week.  That came and went down the hole left by me being out of work for 3 months.  Cameron is getting paid extra for playing music for some sort of special event hosted by the BMW dealership, but, that too is going towards filling in the holes.  I even had to pull money from my business account to help out during that period.

I fear our timing for "starting over" was horribly ill-timed.  Santa  Fe is an expensive place to live in many ways and the wages seem high to an outsider but the cost to live hear is higher than we expected.  With no alternative currently in sight, we keep trudging up the hill.

Through costly trial and error, I think I have a handle on how to do business here.  I've tried pushing the online sales, but haven't had the time or energy to put all the items up on the website, and have only had 2 sales from it. I tried catalog sales, but as this is the land of tomorrow, the excited customers who took my catalogs home, never followed through and now those catalogs are lost.  Now, I'm going with the party circuit.  I've made some fairly good sales, but still not enough to recover from the past few months.  I had to purchase items for demonstrations, some rather costly, as well as all the display related items.  The parties seem to be a good way to go for now.  I have a captive audience and the group drive to make a purchase seems to encourage the "tomorrow" people to buy now.

One cool thing about being in this industry as an independent retailer is that I'm not tied to any particular company, thus, I can order from any one I choose. For example, I've been working with a blanket company to create an indoor waterproof blanket.  They have focused on outdoor ones for years and toyed with the idea of making an indoor one but hadn't made the move.  Now they are and I give direct recommendations for feel and uses and they listen!  They are based just outside of Seattle and all the blankets are US made.  Very high quality.  Another project in the works is with a local salon that makes gift baskets for their customers and they include products like mine.  Unfortunately for them, a very pretty looking line caught their eyes some time ago, but the products are not especially good to use.  Now they are trying to get rid of them and want something new to offer customers.  One more thing in the works is a connection with a company who makes pasties.  I already carry a beautiful line of them, but in order to re-use them, you must have the proper glue.  While searching for a source for the glue, I stumbled upon this company that make them and even does custom ones.  They have no problem with retailers putting their own brand name on them, either.  I am expecting a sample package of their work any day now.

Future plans include the Gay Pride festival in June.  A huge money maker, but stock is definitely needed, especially the impulse buy kind.  A friend of mine does club nights at local bars and said I could set up a table there.  Items $20 and under for quick purchases will be best for that. Unfortunately, he has stopped for the winter and won't be starting up again until late spring.  A woman who is a hotel concierge at one of the local places in town, recommended that I make up gift baskets that they can keep on site.  Most run about $75, but if mine were nice and only in the $35 range, they would be very popular.  These all require stock on hand.  A big investment.  Now that I'm employed again, perhaps that is a possibility, yet.

As far as my job is concerned.  It's OK, but the hours are killing me.  I've never understood why they have to assign different hours each week.  I never know what my hours will be until Saturday afternoon, when they post the schedule for the next week.  It makes planning a nightmare and the business difficult to focus on.   I'm keeping my eyes open for a job with regular hours so I can make greater headway on the business and not be so exhausted all the time.  (Back to back shifts should be illegal.  Closing the store at close to 10pm one day and opening at 8am the next is brutal.)  It takes me awhile to unwind after closing so bedtime is usually about 11pm.  Not much time for anything near a relaxing night.  One really cool aspect of my job is that lots of artists come to the print center to make note cards of their work or some other item.  I get to see the work of many local artists and usually I can get an autographed copy of whatever they brought in.  I enjoy meeting all the different people, but I have to watch my visiting, though I find them fascinating.

Caffeine is a good friend of mine these days.

Cameron is doing pretty well. For someone who is not a people person, he does amazingly well with the customers and establishing a rapport with them.  He had a lot of cleaning up to do when he first started as the prior service advisor had really done his part to lower the rating on this dealership, not to mention a bit of a paperwork fiasco that took months to fix.  It's been hard on him much of the time, but he keeps plugging along.  Now that they know his skills as a musician, he gets to play at several of the big promotional events that are held, two of them this week.  Today he'll be in Albuquerque and since I have the day off, I'll get to go and be the photographer and general support person.  It should be interesting.  Yesterday they had the same event up here, at the Santa Fe dealership. It's funny, they're willing to pay him decently for doing musician work, but not for the job he currently does.  It's a very weird way of doing things.

I'm very excited that Madeline, my daughter, and her fiance'  are coming to visit at Christmas.  It will be nice to have her around for brief time she is here, not to mention being able to meet my future son-in-law. I hope we get some snow for them.  It's been a very dry winter, so far.  Little rain and only a very light dusting of snow on a couple of occasions.  Quite a lot of wind, though. A very big difference from last year and rather disappointing.  There's still lots of possible snow days so we'll hope for some in the near future.

My car is in terrible need of repairs such as tires, brakes and an oil change.  All of which are way overdue and out of any perceived budget.  Cameron has worked out a deal with another mechanic and friend down in Albuquerque who has an older Toyota Tercel that he has gone through and serviced every thing.  It has less mileage than mine does and he wants to trade it for the engine from the crashed bike.  We've hauled that thing with us through every move and I am looking forward to getting rid of it. We'll probably keep the Saturn and gradually get it up to a safer level of care, and have it as a back up vehicle.  One thing that is cheap here is vehicle registration.  Just a flat $45 for each vehicle, no matter how old or new it is.  Much better than California's which is based on vehicle value.  What that has to do with wear and tear on the roads is beyond me. Santa Fe doesn't have any emissions checks, like Albuquerque does, which is also nice.

Well, this is enough for now.  I wish my spirits were better and I try my best to look to the future, but like a little kid, the present keeps tugging on me for attention.

Muscle Strain, But That, Too, Shall Pass

I tend to get a little "preachy" when people talk about relationships being nothing but trouble, or the people involved seem to always have "bad luck" when it comes to marriages.  I'm on my third, so I hope I've learned a thing or two along the way to this point in my life.

My first one was dead before it started.  Neither one of us knew anything about what it took to have a working marriage.  Let alone keeping any kind of relationship together.  (Of course, it didn't help that he took his guidance  from his over controlling father, but that's another story.)

My second was based on the "I can change him theory", long proven to be a bogus ploy created by people who like to torture each other.

These first experiences taught me several things, one important lesson was that it takes two people to have a relationship, more specifically, two people who want to put the sweat into it, working side by side to keep it alive and well.  Relationships must be nurtured along and cared for.  They can't take care of themselves, even when they are beyond their infancy they are unable to weather changing tides and blizzards without help.  It sometimes takes work, that 4-lettered word that sends some people packing.

This leads me to my current, and final, marriage.  This time I was lucky enough to stumble upon a man who had understood the need for constant nurturing for a marriage to last; taking classes and reading about all the different tools that can help in the maintenance of a relationship.  Fortunately for me, apparently his prior mate had been lost in her own world and was unresponsive to his new-found knowledge.

A rare find, I have handled him with care because he is a gem, all by himself.  No need for me to try polishing him to make him shiny or to hide him because I don't like what I see in my reflection when I'm with him.  He knows the value of working on, maintaining, a relationship.  We've been doing a little extra work lately.  It's been a while since I've done this much work and my muscles are sore and stiff.  But as with any hard work towards a common goal, the aches and pain will subside and the fruits of all this labor will shine nicely again.

There are times I really pity the woman who couldn't see the sparkle in front of her, but was distracted by other shiny things.  But then, again, if she had seen it, I wouldn't be where I am today, and for that I am thankful.

Alone and All Over the Place

Well, this is the first night of Cameron's visit with his family, in Tennessee.  It's always the hardest.  The apartment feels strangely empty, despite the 4-legged beasties that roam its rooms.  I'm anxious and don't want to go the empty (OK, so the critters are there waiting for me) bed.

I'm not totally clear on this, but I think that "lone wolf" trip he was on when the accident happened, was the first time we had been apart.  We even had a great time when we were stranded for a couple of weeks in northern California.  We wrote and wrote together and never tired of each other's company. We've been an amazing team since we first met.

Maybe that's why it's so hard to be apart.  That lack of his presence, the void created is more than just in the physical air around me.  I guess we have this yin and yang thing going with us.  We fulfill each other's needs without having to think about it.

Tomorrow night will be better, a little easier.  The first night, though, is hard.  It's like having to re-orient myself to temporarily losing use of a limb.  Equilibrium is off at first and learning to move about without it takes some adjustments and confidence rebuilt.

I know this is all depressing and such, but it's the first night separation anxiety, if you need to give it a name.  I know I will do better tomorrow and once asleep, I won't realize he's not there.  It's taking that first step to going to sleep that's the hardest.

Well, I'll regret it if I don't turn in now.  It's late and my sleep meds should make fast work of sending me off to dreamland.

Good Night!

A Day Off, From Work at Least

Well, my first 2 days are past and I have today off.  It's a little overwhelming at times remembering the instructions given (I now have a pad to write everything down on).  I've mostly been working in the back of the store in the printing department.  I like it there as I meet so many interesting people and get to do to desktop publishing, which I really enjoy.  This picture was given to me by an artist who was making note cards of his latest creation:

He was very interesting, as you might have guessed, and very thankful for my assistance.  We get lots of artists who com in to do the same thing or to order them professionally done.  I got a copy of a beautiful photo of a small suspension bridge, which I would add to this post, but my scanner can't scan that large of a photo.  The bridge is over 80 years old and still in use, though I'd be hard-pressed to drive over the thing, let alone walk it!

I'm being cross-trained so I can be used in whatever department they want me in, but I've already gotten a following of several customers that ask for me by name, back in the print area.

Since today is my day off, I have tons of things to do, so should start into them.  I'm excited about the gift of this picture, received yesterday, and just wanted to share it with you.  Perhaps I'll write more later today.

Quest for Sleep and the Start of a New Day

I have terrible insomnia.  Allergies don't exactly help it, when it comes to being able to breathe at night.  So, lately, my pre-bedtime ritual includes my sleep medication, and a dose of allergy meds., and sometimes whatever else I can think of that might give me another hour or two of sleep.  This has been going on for weeks, now.

We need to replace the air cleaner that we usually run in the bedroom at night, but that will need to wait until my first paycheck.  The poor thing has given its all for me for almost 20 years.  We've managed to limp it along for a few months, but it's time to let it be and not attempt to resuscitate it any more.  In the meantime, I sneeze, cough,  and attempt to breathe all night.  There are many culprits to this condition.  One is plain old dust. The other is my allergy to the cats.  At first they slept at my feet and were mostly an annoyance when I wanted to shift position.  Now, they are taking to sleeping right up near my head or beside my pillow.  I suppose we could/should just lock the critters out of the bedroom at night, but they have grown up sleeping with Cameron, and now me, so that would be a very big issue to contend with.  I don't have any problems with dog dander, so Tuesday's snuggling doesn't bother me.

On our list of pending expenditures is some furniture.  Since we moved sooo much, we really trimmed down on what we have.    Since, I believe, we'll be here for awhile, it's time to begin replacing some of the items left behind.  Dressers for the bedroom, and a couch for the livingroom are top on the list.  It's hard to dust clothes that are on shelves or open tubs.  So, I think with some of these items obtained, my night time issues will be greatly reduced.

Ok, about the job.  Let's see, I was hired over 2 weeks ago and set off for drug testing and a background check was to be done.  Well, Friday, the manager finally called me and said everything was squared away and that I should come in today at 11:00.  I'm not sure how long my shift will be or what kind of schedule I'll have, except that it's 25-30 hour a week.  We'll be discussing that today.  After I'm done writing this, I'm going to see if I can squeeze in a little nap, before I need to get ready.  I've been awake since 3:00am and up since 4:00.  More sleep would be really nice.

I have a great deal of interest being shown for having parties, but none have scheduled anything yet.  So much for Santa Fe and the land of tomorrow!  Once I have an idea of what my schedule will be, I'll be setting off to nail down some of those prospective party hosts to some sort of date and time.  I need to get some items that really speak to the gay/lesbian crowd, as my prospective customers are of that community.  I currently have a fair collection of sample items that are more generic.  That's another thing to add to my list.  My first party was kind of wimpy so hasn't given me much to work with, plus, I'm working with a company that makes blankets and is based in Washington.  They make some incredibly soft fleece blankets that look/feel like some kind of thick, curly, lamb's wool, with one side covered in a soft, waterproof nylon.  I'm considering adding those to my line of offerings-a sample is on its way.  I especially like that they're US made and not by some third-world country.  There is another distributor that sells a similar water-proof type blanket, but it's  very much synthetic and with a somewhat tacky/porn look to it.  Not to mention, they are the same price and I wouldn't be competing with my distributor over sales.  It has some promise.  I am continually on the look out for products that would appeal to my customers, but is different from what other, similar, businesses sell.

My podcast is doing well.  I just uploaded my 8th show and the interview is with a national best-selling author, editor, speaker, and cupcake connoisseur.  She's a lot of fun to talk with. One reason I do these podcasts is out of the joy of meeting new people and hearing their stories.


Well, looking at the time, I need to try to get a little more sleep before I have to start getting ready for work.  I'll let you know how it goes.     

I Remember Why I, Now

I'm home and it's late, but at least I did make it home safely.  My first Halloween party in 25 years has come and gone.  I went as a veterinarian, bandaged stuffed kitty and all.  At first it was fun meeting all the people, as I really didn't know anyone there.  I had met a couple at a book group meeting several months ago, but it took some memory jogging on both sides.  It was put on by a couple who are members of a couple of the local meet-up groups.

The costumes were the usual assortment.  A couple of doctors, a ghost, a witch, a hooker, and the the hemlines went up from there.  Alcohol was served and the more scantily clad bunch seemed to have had quite their share, and the volume level in the room grew exponentially each hour the evening continued.  In fact they're probably still there.  Drunks are irritating.  There are several kinds: the sleepy ones, the angry/mean ones, the giggly ones, the sloppy ones who seem to find every surface slippery, and, of course, the loud ones.  Tonight, we had a roomful of the loud ones.

My throat hurts from trying to carry on conversations with the more sober of the guests.  I think this is why I haven't been to a party in all this time.  They just aren't that much fun anymore.  I went solo, and made quite a few business contacts, before the volume level of the room got too loud to carry on a conversation.

This was a solo event for me as Cameron is at a Navajo "Sweat Lodge" that he was invited to participate in tomorrow night.  He went with a friend, by bike, and since it takes about 5-6 hours to get to Gallup from here, they opted for staying an extra night.

I'm exhausted, but I'm stalling going to bed.  I'm like that when left alone.  I should be dying to pour myself to that nice, soft, mattress.  I spent the better part of today shopping for work clothes, specifically shoes.  It's terribly hard for me to find comfortable shoes.  I think I have a bone spur on the ball of one of my feet that really acts up with the wrong fit.  So, anyway, I've been on my feet most of the day, then at the party.  After I finish this, I should be unwound enough to get to sleep.

Oh, the work clothes are for my new job.  I start sometime next week, have to wait for the drug test results and background check to be finished.  I'll be working at Office Max, in the printing area.  This, like that dental office job, is within walking distance.  It's a little farther down the shopping center than the other, but will give me some much needed exercise.

Once I know my schedule at work, I'll need to make one for my own stuff.  I've been so discombobulated from being depressed about the lack of a job.  My desk is a mess, I have so much to do to prepare for my first Wild Orchid party, and have begun another potentially fun angle to my podcasts: small group discussion and interview with the author.  I've found a lot of interest in this, but will have to gradually build to that.  We will need to get headphones for each person (5, counting myself), a microphone holder for the one we currently have. It must have gotten lost in all the moves, and another electronic goody that I can't remember the name of.  Cameron will handle the acquisition of these items.  The most recent author I interviewed, which was last week, is a nationally acclaimed best selling author. So I asked her if she's ever been interviewed by a group before and she doesn't believe it's being done anywhere, at least not for a podcast. That adds some excitement to the project.

Well, I think I've wound down enough to make it off to bed.  I will, of course, keep you posted.  Good night!