Tag-Teaming and Sculpey

Cameron and I have a knack for mood swinging and self-flagellation. Fortunately, we are on opposite cycles. Meaning, most of the time we are on level ground with each other. But when one is down, the other is feeling pretty strong and able to help. We've done this from the start and it's worked out well for us. The last few days it's been my turn to be down.

It seems so simple. Everyone should know it and not need to be given permission, but I did. I've been beaten down in the past and the after-effects still linger and raise their ugly little heads now and then. So, Cameron told me that I had every bit as much right to be who I am, as everybody else does. That my place, here and now, was just as important and it was OK for me to take it.

It's funny how that can matter and the impact it can have for someone on the slippery slopes of feeling worthless. The dark clouds roll away and sun begins to rise.

That's what led me to get some Sculpey. It's a modeling clay that hardens when baked. I used to make things with it and the mere process of molding it in my hands was calming and bode of fanciful notions ahead. Yesterday I bought some. I haven't started making anything yet, but it feels good just to have it nearby in case the inspiration hits me. It speaks of whimsy and freeing thoughts, whispering to me as it sits on my desk. The box has been opened, but the magic is still inside.

Car's Back, But the Never-Ending Void Continues

I thought it would be good to get the car back from the mechanic so soon. I wouldn't have to depend on Cameron so much and would beat the summer heat of standing on a bus stop in the afternoon to go home.

It's just another phantom of progress and promise. I say phantom because it has slowly become a money pit for us. I regret not settling for the motorcycle I had available to me for transportation. The car has become a leach that sucks the hope for getting ahead out of our existence.

When we picked it up tonight, after dropping a total of $430 into this repair, we were informed that it would need another repair on the air conditioning in the very near future, lest the car seize up on me while I am driving it. We had to borrow some of the money to pay for this one. We put $350 into it not 3 months ago and more into it about 3 months before that.

The topic of this four-wheeled menace creates tension and guilt. It's not worth the ending results. I wish I could take it all back, or somehow make things right. Unfortunately, we're already into it too deep to turn back, and so it sits hungrily outside. Waiting for its next feast. Waiting to drain more life from our journey.

End of a Busy Weekend, But What Else is New?

Here I am. I'm a little dizzy and exhausted, depressed, but relieved.

Weird, huh?

Last week I had a CT scan done of my abdomen because I was still having some pain, but it felt different. Gee, guess what?! The stone is still there. My offered choices:

1. try a non-FDA approved approach by taking a medication meant to relieve symptoms in men with prostate problems that will hopefully expand the normally 6mm passageway, that the 8mm stone must pass through, to at least that diameter to achieve the desired effect. All the while consuming mass amounts of water to attempt to flush the thing out. It makes me feel tired and sometimes dizzy.
2. make an appointment with a urologist to have it removed by force utilizing any number of less than enticing methods.

I chose #1. Unfortunately, I haven't seen any sign of this invader of my kidneys. Pain-sharp to barely detectable-has annoyed me all weekend. In case it isn't already obvious, I'm so tired of all this. I would just go and have the darned thing removed, except for the ridiculously high deductible that my insurance company will want me to pay. I'm not sure how long I can take this medication as my doctor shared his experience as taking only 12 hours to work. I'll have to call his office tomorrow to get his take on all of this.

My car is still adorning a parking place that I can see from our livingroom window. I did contact a mechanic today who came and took a look at it. Let's see, he'll replace the steering column and part of the wiring harness. There may be additional damage, but he won't know until he gets in there and is able to really check things out. Still, he's charging reasonable rates and is certified, so I guess I will have transportation again in the next week or so.

Someone tried to steal Cameron's motorcycle last night. Thankfully, they had no idea what they were doing and only bent the ignition key opening and unplugged a wire or two. Cameron was able to bend the opening so he could get the key in to start the bike and no wiring was damaged, so that was a relief. Just what we would have needed, both vehicles out of commission!

I'm having troubles lately, feeling like I have no real control over my existence. I'm not talking philosophically, literally. I function as a cog to some means that seems to drop out of sight in front of me. I've been functioning at everyone else's schedules; my supervisor, the bus drivers', the stores', the traffic's, Cameron's school's-all just push me along. Even the 8mm rock inside me controls my actions.

Having the car back will help greatly. I dread needing to run errands or get to an appoinment. I either have to ask for a ride or navigate the bus system during increasingly hotter days. What should take an hour to do, takes several and I spend too much time in the sun, inhaling exhaust from passing cars. Thank goodness for sunscreen and inhalers.

My next task, after the dust has settled from all of this, will be to try to secure a sleep study. That, as well, is part of the deductible, but I don't feel that I can continue to function on the troubled nights' sleep that only brings fatigue in the morning. I can't remember the last time I woke up feeling rested. I think it was probably back in high school sometime.

I'm sorry for the down attitude of this post. I'm just tired of having to try so hard all the time. Even the bumpiest roads have smooth spots now and then, even places to stop in the shade to rest. I just need a little break, a chance to catch my breath, maybe even let my toes walk in some soft grass. That's all.

An Unwelcome Change

Cameron and I began on a motorcycle. On our first date, he took me up to Tehachapi for dinner. It was cold and exciting. We've logged thousands of miles on two wheels in the almost 4 years that we've been together. We have planned to ride to Alaska together, maybe even do a world ride.

Now, I fear it's all really just a dream.

About 7 years ago, I had this crazy idea to take ice skating lessons with my daughter; sort of a mother-daughter sort of thing. I've never been good at the sport and that continued to ring true during the lessons that followed. I took a bad fall on my knees (yes, I know you're not supposed to fall forward.) My doctor couldn't see anything broken on the x-rays so just prescribed some pain medication and ice packs for the bruising and swelling. Well, I'm stubborn. I went back on the ice a week later for another lesson. Unfortunately, I was really afraid of falling again and that fear played itself out in another fall. I was done with the skating idea. My knees healed, but occasionally bothered me.

Fast forward a few years and Cameron and I are out on a little mountain road, just off Angeles Crest Highway. It's amazing how fast a motorcycle can remove itself from under a rider. In an instant we were tossed on the pavement due to some sand on the road in a blind curve. I landed on my knees, again.

Well, apparently back in my ice skating days, I had successfully dislocated my knee caps. The doctor was only looking for breaks and both knees looked the same so he missed it. 2 years ago, the pain in my right knee became unbearable and it was surgically corrected, but the years of misalignment had created a hole in my cartilage. It acts up frequently and has shortened some of our more ambitious ride.

Now the left one is becoming increasingly painful. I can only handle short rides on the bike and I know that fact hurts Cameron. We ride. That's what we love to do and want to keep doing. I just can't manage it. Perhaps future surgery will correct my left knee, but my right has caused riding problems since the surgery to fix it. The doctor said it would never be the same.

That hurts. Last weekend, Cameron went on a long ride with a friend from school. It was OK, since there was no way I could manage such an endeavor, and I happily took care of some long overdue cleaning around the apartment. But still, I don't want it to always be like that. I love the adventure and just spending the day with him exploring places we've never been. It's not the same in a car.

What this boils down to is having patience. Patience to accept my current situation. Patience to wait for insurance that will cover the needed care. Patience to wait and see what the future holds. It can't be the end of our "gonzo" road trips and playing "where does this road go?" I know, patience.

Touch and Go: Faith in the Future

The last several days have been daunting at times. The push forward harder than imagined and, thus, my faith that things will work out in the end has been tried on more than one occasion. Tried, but it did prevail.

I've lamented in the past, about how "Customer Service Representative" seems to be less about service and more about commando practices used in getting off the phone as soon as possible. I have come to the conclusion that, since the company I work for is a private contractor for a larger organization, the actual "customer" is the organization/client that hires us to perform this service. They are the ones who liked my company's statistics regarding call times and number of calls handled. Thus, the callers are merely part of this grand statistical scheme.

You see, mid-week, I was called into an office by my supervisor and told that I was being put on an "improvement plan". This means that I have a month to bring my call time down to the mandated level on a consistent basis, and must show acceptable improvement along the way or I may be released from the company. Shape up or ship out.

I did some soul-searching and came to the above mentioned conclusion. It feels "dirty" to not inform callers of pitfalls ahead, or problems with their applications that will, no doubt, bite them later down the road. The name of the game is: only answer their questions and only examine their application closer if so noted in the "comments" part of the computer screen.

Well, the next day I cut my call time drastically by following those guidelines. They were given to me by my supervisor and fellow workers who have fantastic call times. I went home feeling both triumphant that I will be able to fulfill the expectations of my superiors, and, also, like I let the people down that called for my help.

That day, I was told by my ecstatic supervisor and manager, that my request for a shift change had been granted and I would be notified of my new hours next week. A reward for proving that I could tow the line? Who knows, but it will be nice to have hours that more closely fit Cameron's.

The next day, Saturday, I felt awful. The "kidney stone" pains are back, but different. They started back last weekend and have hung around on a more consistent basis, but milder. So, I called my doctor and left a message that I still need to take the test, that I had previously canceled, as the pain had returned. I'm getting really sick of this.

Today, I have been a little better, pain-wise, but overall yucky. We needed groceries so I headed out in the late afternoon while there was a little cloud cover, which made it nice out. I parked the car and started wandering the isles of the store. An announcement over the store's loudspeaker caught my attention, "Will the owner of a black Saturn please come to the front of the store?" At first, I thought, that can't be about my car, though someone might have bumped into it. OK, I'll check it out. At the front of the store, I was greeted by a man in a red vest, who's name tag indicated he was the manager.

He said it looked like my car had caught fire. Thick, black, smoke had begun pouring out from under the hood so they called the fire department. I went out to the parking lot and saw no smoke. A couple of young guys were out gathering carts and hanging around my car. They told me about the smoke, apparently it was enough that it lifted the hood a little. It smelled odd, kind of like burned plastic, with an electrical nuance to it. Great! Now what?!

While I was surveying the situation under the hood, a fire engine pulled up and guys in baggy pants strolled up to the car to offer assistance. Confident that there was no longer any danger, they disconnected the battery and made sure I had things worked out regarding getting home, then left. I didn't see anything that looked burned, but there was a lot of sooty, carbon-like, substance along the passenger side of the firewall, and on the underside of the hood.

Since we'll be relying on the motorcycle for a while, I made sure to stock up on groceries so the car would be utilized, regardless of its condition. Thanks to AAA, I got the car and groceries home. I need to see about getting some overtime hours in so I can start saving for repairs. With my new schedule, it should be easier to find opportunities for the extra time as it's usually offered during the hours I regularly work.

Only 3 more months. That's all we have to last here.

Cameron checked with the career center at school and found out that between 6-9 weeks before graduation is when students will start courting their potential employers. It is recommended that a few locations, not a huge number, be focused on. I've been looking at potential places to relocate, using a list of US dealerships that he was given.

Researching makes it more real. Sometimes, it's hard to look ahead and see success. That's where faith comes in. We've had our share of falling on our faces, then dusting ourselves off to continue on. We always come out of it, usually a little wiser for it. For us, it's the bumpy, muddy, road that we choose. The experiences along the way enrich us and provide insight that we may have never arrived at, should we have taken the easy path.