It was terribly anti-climactic. The ecstatic feelings from the night before, bled into a gray haze as day after day he returned home in a state of turmoil from the day's efforts. Pain, frustration, and anger greeted me each time he walked through the door and threw down his gear.
Is there a haze in his focus and determination? It's now dampened. The spark of excitement, that only weeks before surrounded him, is dim and tired. I gather the strength of years ago and maintain the rock I once provided to him, as he healed from injuries that were deep inside him.
Has the weight of understanding the two-wheeled beasts taken away his love of the creatures? The healing power of "The Ride" evades him, even now, as he mounts his steed to be whisked off to the world of Technicians and Teachers.
Perhaps a gathering of like minds would help to heal his soul, as they talk of past journeys and conquests of the open road; each one igniting a small flame and extinguishing the darkness.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Is That Light Up Ahead?
When things are at their darkest, it is comforting to know that we have caring and generous family that seems to come along with a light bulb, just in the nick of time. I have been stumbling around in the dark so much that the light that was provided brought tears to my eyes. I am so grateful for their kindness.
It's easier to carry a burden when you can see where you are going. The path is smoother, you can see the ceiling of the tunnel so you don't bump your head; mine has gotten quite lumpy lately. And the beautiful light up ahead is amazing. So, we move forward with a straighter stance and some confidence in our steps and look forward to seeing what the world is like at the end of the tunnel.
It's easier to carry a burden when you can see where you are going. The path is smoother, you can see the ceiling of the tunnel so you don't bump your head; mine has gotten quite lumpy lately. And the beautiful light up ahead is amazing. So, we move forward with a straighter stance and some confidence in our steps and look forward to seeing what the world is like at the end of the tunnel.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Hopes Dashed and Uncertain Future
I've been trying to figure out how we can manage to make it to the next part of our journey. We barely tread water to maintain an existence for the past 10 months and now are on the brink of completing the first leg. We have been basically camping out in our apartment, foregoing eating out and having much in the way of furniture or other niceties. It's been very difficult emotionally and now the end is in sight.
But with only 6 weeks to go, I can't see past the end of his classes. There is no light at the end of this tunnel, only darkness. To be employed as a mechanic, he must have his own tools, and they must be of professional quality. To be employed, we must go to where the work is, but there is no way to get there, not to mention no way to find housing without the funds for the deposit and first month's rent. We have no moving fund, no savings, no safety net to catch us when we fall. That has been exhausted trying to survive the first 7 months when I wasn't able to find any work other than a part-time cashier job.
We're so close and yet miles away. I contacted the financial aid office at his school to see if there are any funds left over from his student loans that might be able to help us. But they told me there was nothing available. They recommended another type of student loan that we would have to pursue with an outside organization, but it is credit-based and so unattainable. We have had no extra money available to pay for anything other than rent, food, and utilities, and so creditors have rated us poorly.
It appears that we will be left to find work in Phoenix after he graduates. I can probably stay with my current job, though my position is considered temporary, but we don't know if there will be any openings at the local BMW motorcycle dealer. It feels like this whole year has been for nothing. All the work and sacrifices were just pipe dreams and now we are left to wallow in the muck left behind in our pursuit of a new beginning.
Why does this happen? It looked like this was the direction we were intended to go, but now it seems like some big sick joke. Couldn't we have at least been left in a place with a better climate? The heat just eats away at my energy and since we don't turn the air conditioner on much, the apartment is often on the stuffy side.
OK, I am grateful for my job, for without it we wouldn't have gotten this far. The insurance has been a huge help. We do have a roof over our heads, regardless of the questionable surroundings, we are not out on the street. Perhaps this will lead us somewhere else, but what of all the intense training Cameron has endured? What was that for? Again, I fail to see the humor in this. I feel more fear and sadness than anything. A more anti-climactic ending than expected, like the music crescendoed and suddenly stopped; and there is dead silence.
But with only 6 weeks to go, I can't see past the end of his classes. There is no light at the end of this tunnel, only darkness. To be employed as a mechanic, he must have his own tools, and they must be of professional quality. To be employed, we must go to where the work is, but there is no way to get there, not to mention no way to find housing without the funds for the deposit and first month's rent. We have no moving fund, no savings, no safety net to catch us when we fall. That has been exhausted trying to survive the first 7 months when I wasn't able to find any work other than a part-time cashier job.
We're so close and yet miles away. I contacted the financial aid office at his school to see if there are any funds left over from his student loans that might be able to help us. But they told me there was nothing available. They recommended another type of student loan that we would have to pursue with an outside organization, but it is credit-based and so unattainable. We have had no extra money available to pay for anything other than rent, food, and utilities, and so creditors have rated us poorly.
It appears that we will be left to find work in Phoenix after he graduates. I can probably stay with my current job, though my position is considered temporary, but we don't know if there will be any openings at the local BMW motorcycle dealer. It feels like this whole year has been for nothing. All the work and sacrifices were just pipe dreams and now we are left to wallow in the muck left behind in our pursuit of a new beginning.
Why does this happen? It looked like this was the direction we were intended to go, but now it seems like some big sick joke. Couldn't we have at least been left in a place with a better climate? The heat just eats away at my energy and since we don't turn the air conditioner on much, the apartment is often on the stuffy side.
OK, I am grateful for my job, for without it we wouldn't have gotten this far. The insurance has been a huge help. We do have a roof over our heads, regardless of the questionable surroundings, we are not out on the street. Perhaps this will lead us somewhere else, but what of all the intense training Cameron has endured? What was that for? Again, I fail to see the humor in this. I feel more fear and sadness than anything. A more anti-climactic ending than expected, like the music crescendoed and suddenly stopped; and there is dead silence.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
When Tired, Temptations & Distractions Are Most Appealing
As we draw closer to the end of our current journey, we are finding ourselves more and more tired of towing the line. Exhaustion and months of frustration thrown in our paths creates a strong desire to give up, even though we are almost done.
It's strange how little things that used to easily sideline us in the early throws of this trek into the unknown, have become so large. The desires for more enjoyment and fun have been held at bay during the struggles to avail, but now they taunt us and dare us to veer off course and into the abiss.
We have been existing for the past 10 months, hunkering down behind a financial wall that is demolished, one brick at a time. Now, with very little left of our wall, we are fearful of what we cannot protect ourselves from. How will we make it to the next phase of our adventure and will we survive it?
There are 8 more weeks before graduation. 8 weeks to purchase a tool box and tools. 8 weeks to gather first and last month's rent for our new home, as well as moving expenses. 8 weeks until our lives get turned upside down again, of course for the better, but never the less dismantled and reconstructed.
I am told that over the next several weeks, there will be plenty of overtime opportunities where I work. What that means exactly, is yet to be seen. I got in 6 hours last week. I am hoping that is just the tip of the iceberg.
I think we can find a decent tool box on Craig's List for a reasonable price. Used will do to get started. Soon he will be called to the placement office to begin working on a resume and to find out where the openings are. They start doing it between 6-9 weeks of graduation. Once we have a better idea as to where we will be moving to, it will be easier to form a tangible plan. Until then, bouts of panic strike at ill timed moments and anxiety is trapped in our dreams.
It's strange how little things that used to easily sideline us in the early throws of this trek into the unknown, have become so large. The desires for more enjoyment and fun have been held at bay during the struggles to avail, but now they taunt us and dare us to veer off course and into the abiss.
We have been existing for the past 10 months, hunkering down behind a financial wall that is demolished, one brick at a time. Now, with very little left of our wall, we are fearful of what we cannot protect ourselves from. How will we make it to the next phase of our adventure and will we survive it?
There are 8 more weeks before graduation. 8 weeks to purchase a tool box and tools. 8 weeks to gather first and last month's rent for our new home, as well as moving expenses. 8 weeks until our lives get turned upside down again, of course for the better, but never the less dismantled and reconstructed.
I am told that over the next several weeks, there will be plenty of overtime opportunities where I work. What that means exactly, is yet to be seen. I got in 6 hours last week. I am hoping that is just the tip of the iceberg.
I think we can find a decent tool box on Craig's List for a reasonable price. Used will do to get started. Soon he will be called to the placement office to begin working on a resume and to find out where the openings are. They start doing it between 6-9 weeks of graduation. Once we have a better idea as to where we will be moving to, it will be easier to form a tangible plan. Until then, bouts of panic strike at ill timed moments and anxiety is trapped in our dreams.
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