The Road Less Traveled

It's been a while since my last post.  I guess it's been hard to really grasp all the tiny twists and turns that seem to permeate our lives.  It seems that the long, winding, bumpy road is the path we've been given.  Financial woes.  Everyone is plagued with them, and we're no exception. 

It's been hard to work at a retail store in the mall; watching all the people carefully selecting gifts for their loved ones, the excitement in their eyes, and the anticipation of the little ones who were there to see Santa.  Like looking in through a window from the outside, it seemed sort of surreal.  We exchanged no gifts this year, with anyone.  Cameron and I have always not exchanged gifts, preferring to go do something rather than add another item, the meaning later forgotten, to our household.  Memories are far superior.  What was hard was not being able to give gifts or memories to my family.  Being so far away and out of touch with their lives is very hard for me.  I've never been away for so long.

I love Santa Fe.  The town has tremendous character and it promises a good future for us.  The air and water are wonderful, allowing our lungs to start healing from the poisons we breathed in for 20+ years.  What I have seen of the seasons, so far, raises my spirits when I feel alone. I'm like a kid when it snows and bubble over with excitement when I peak out the blinds in the morning and see the white flakes falling and drifting to the ground. 

I've been working on a project that keeps me pretty busy.  Parts of it are very difficult for me so I've purchased some computer software to help through them.  I've found a lot of local people with experience in this sort of thing and they have been a tremendous help.

Today, I'm a little afraid.  We finally got health insurance and I saw my new doctor on Monday.  Actually, she's a nurse practitioner and a very good one, too.  She was far more thorough than any of the doctors I've seen in the last 15 years.  I've had thyroid issues for quite a few years, hypothyroidism.   Well, Monday she found some nodules on my thyroid.  She sent me for lab work and an ultrasound yesterday to determine how many and what ever else they can from that test.  She's supposed to get the results today or tomorrow, so I guess I'll be hearing from her sometime soon.  She said some nodules wind up being benign and some are malignant.  We won't have much of a grasp of what mine are until the ultrasound results are in and most likely a biopsy is done.  If any family members read this and know of any other relatives that have had something like this, I would like to hear about it.  This kind of stuff often runs in families and maybe finding out what others' results were will put my mind more at ease.

Cameron is, of course, worried sick about me.  I try to stay calm and reassuring to help him stay focused on his work and other tasks he's working on.  Work has been pretty up and down for him.  I guess it's just too cold for anyone to want to go motorcycling up here.  It tends to go in flurries, depending on the weather.  A couple of weekends ago, he and the other mechanic were up to their necks in work.  We were having a few warm days (around 40-43 degrees) and local riders wanted to take advantage of it.  Then after that brief warm spell, it went back to barely anything coming in.  I've heard that January and February are the coldest months with the most snow, so it's probably not going to get a whole lot better soon.  For extra work, he's applying at the community college to teach music part-time.  It would be a great outlet for him.

Despite all the crazy things that are happening, I'm also very excited because Madeline is coming for a visit this weekend.  We'll get to hang out together for a week, then she'll need to get back to her life in Bakersfield.  I talk about her all the time at work so we will have to stop by so I can show her off-I'm really proud of her.  I'm still trying to decide what, of the many things to see here, I'll show her.  I keep checking the weather forecasts, but it doesn't look like it will snow while she's here, but that can always change.  It'll be good to have her close, even if it's just for a week.

I need to get some more housework done.  Since I'm off today, I need to take advantage of the opportunity to catch up on all the domestic stuff.  I'll keep you posted as I get results, etc.

Moving Forward

Left foot...right foot...left foot...
It sure looks easy when you put it down in black and white. 
Left...right...left...right...

Regardless of how much in control we feel we are, we're really on a sort of moving walkway, like they have at airports.  We keep moving our feet, deliberately and carefully (or sometimes not so carefully), but that isn't all that propels us forward.

There's this inner drive, a hand, that nudges us toward a goal.  Alot of the time we have no idea what that goal is, but something inside makes us get up everyday and move forward.  Maybe it's the searching for the goal that motivates us when no goal is in sight.  Our exhistence has to have a reason; a purpose.

It's hard to hear or see that tiny spec inside of us that has the answer.  Some catch glimpses, and hear the faint whisper-that's what pushes them, headstrong into what looks like an impossible storm.  Some search most of their lives, often for the wrong thing, forgetting to listen, or deaf to the sounds of hope in the answer.

While we try hard to pay attention, we trip on bumps along the walkway.  It could be cast off items from other travelers or our own baggage that we keep dropping in front of us, because we brought too much along.  Losing the brief link with our inner voice is that easy.

So, as a holiday wish...
Unload some of the extra baggage, lighten your load.  Keep your eyes on the future in front of you and listen...

Finally, Some Forward Momentum

Well, I now have a phone.  It only took about 2 weeks to get it, but I do have it.  Yeah!

That almost closes the chapter on "The Flood".  Things are still out of place around our apartment, but they were out of place before.  We didn't have the chance to really settle in, so I'm taking my time and thinking it through, giving each item it's place.

The store I work at, Piercing Pagoda, is located in the city's indoor mall.  It's a large kiosk that sits in the middle of the flow of foot-traffic that moves through the place, in a sort of oceanic ebb and flow.  I guess you could say that "hurricane season" is soon upon us, turning the waters into tidal waves that converge onto the waiting shores.  I've always avoided malls, especially during the holiday season; and look where I am!  I'm even scheduled for Black Friday.

Well, to deal with all of the sniffling, sneezing, coughing that surrounds me during my shifts, I'm taking extra vitamin c and zinc, hoping to hold off any lurking viruses until our medical insurance kicks in on Dec. 1.  Another Yeah!!

Aside from my great dislike for crowds, etc., I do enjoy the people watching.  There are some very eccentric characters in Santa Fe and it seems like the colder it gets, the more they come out to roam. 

Cameron is making his place where he works.  It's scary being the "new guy" sometimes, especially when there isn't much to keep busy with.  The old saying "last hired, first fired" comes to mind.  I know he's stable there.  This is the standard seasonal slow-down as described by all who work there.  It's a family company, they take care of their members and are upfront with them.  He'll be OK, he just needs to hold on to his faith in himself.

That's what we both need to do.  We can do anything we put our hearts and minds to, but we have to really believe that to be true.  We're finally in a place that feels right, so we're doing what we are supposed to do, and on the path that is right for us. 

One thing I missed about our place, when we were temporarily located in another part of the complex, is the pine tree outside our patio.  When I leave in the morning, or any time for that matter, the fragrance greets me as I walk past.  There weren't any pine trees in that area, so the smell was absent.  The scent intensifies when the tree gets wet, inviting me to take in its presence when the rain and snow obscure the view of the incredibly blue sky.  I'm home.

SNOW!!

OK, I may get tired of it, eventually, but I still get excited when we have some sort of out of the ordinary weather occurrence.  Cameron calls me the "Storm Goddess" due to the pure joy I got from a ride we were on, a few years ago, in which we were on a highway near the Grand Canyon that was right between 2 fantastic thunderstorms.  We got hailed on and pretty wet by the time we got to lodgings for the night, but I was ecstatic!

Well, this morning we awoke to snow on the ground.  Only around an inch, but it stuck to all the trees and bushes, blanketing our complex with pristine whiteness.

This is our dog's first snow and I wasn't sure how she would handle walking in it (she's a large chihuahua.)  I had to carry her down the stairs, but after that, she cruised through the fresh powder with no problems, wagging her tail the entire time.  She probably sensed my excitement, so joined in.  We appeared to be the first one's out in it, in our immediate vicinity, so there were no other dog prints around. (These are her's.)

This excitement aside, we are supposedly going to be able to move back to our actual apartment today.  We looked in on it yesterday and several things still needed attention, such as re-installation of the water heater, lighting fixtures, and, of course, cleaning up the mess from the drywall and painting.  I'm estimating this afternoon, but we'll see.  It all depends on how many people they put to the task.

Yesterday, we bundled up and took a short ride to a town called Pecos.  It's along the old Santa Fe Trail and we were curious.  There isn't much of a town to really look at.  The population is 6000+, but it looked like the inhabitants were scattered about the area and there isn't really a "downtown" that we noticed.  But, the countryside was pretty and the sky gorgeous, as usual.

We continued past Pecos to the Pecos National Historical Park, where we saw ruins from a mission built in the 1700's.  There are numerous other ruins dating back much farther, but we weren't dressed for the hike. We will save that for another time, now that we know it's there.

The sun is trying to peek out from the cloud cover and has melted much of the snow on the trees.  The ground is still covered, but, that too will probably be gone by noon.  It's nice that it happened on a day that neither one of us had to go to work, so we can just take it in and have a relaxing morning. Click Here, for a slide of our ride.

Insanity at 7000 Feet, and it's Snowing!

The saga of our apartment situation continues to unfold in a labyrinth of deceit and frustrations.

Monday was the day we had arranged for the maintenance guys to move us to the apartment which was originally to be our temporary lodging, but we decided to go ahead and move into it permanently since it will be at least another week before the original apartment will be finished.  Management was happy since it would save them some paperwork and the workers wouldn't have to deal with going into the apartment to retrieve items.  It is a little smaller, but the rent is much cheaper.  Well, after packing up all of our stuff, the guys come in and tell us that the manager says they can only move the big things, such as the desks and bed.  Now, the management had told us that we could take the apartment and they would move us.  Apparently, they meant only the larger items.  There is no way we can move all the rest of the stuff into an upstairs apartment ourselves.  That's why we originally chose a downstairs place.

Off to have words with the manager, who is not exactly the poster child for good customer relations.  She insists that we are on our own to move anything but the big items.  Well, we tell her our physical limitations and our understanding that our belongings would all be moved.  When we asked for the phone number to her supervisor, she refuses to give it to us.  We have the number, but it was packed up with all the rest of our stuff.

Cameron pulls up the corporate website and manages to track down the person we need to speak with.  She says she will call us back after she speaks with the apartment manager.  Well, she comes back with the offer to let us just move back into our original place after they are done, and maintenance will move back the few items they had moved here for us.

I just want to settle into my home.  We had only been in the apartment for 5 weeks before all this happened and here we are, back in this state of limbo.  Now, what settling I had accomplished, is undone and so everything will need to be unpacked, again!  This whole thing has been a nightmare.

One uplifting thing, IT'S SNOWING!!!  It's too wet to stick, but it is so pretty coming down.  The pictures are from the balcony of our temporary abode.  Here's a little video of it all coming down just click on the picture:

It's Raining! Inside?!

Tuesday morning we awoke to massive amounts of water in the kitchen, dining area, and livingroom.  It was raining from dozens of spots in the ceiling and the latex paint bulged from the weight of the water that was pressing against it and trickling out.  There was literally about a 1/2 inch of water in the kitchen.  Thankfully, only those areas were affected.  Cameron's keyboards and audio equipment were untouched and so was our bedroom.  I guess we're lucky we hadn't been able to afford any livingroom furniture, otherwise that would have been soaked.  We still had some boxes around, but the contents seem to have fared pretty well.

Within 15 minutes, maintenance was knocking on our door.  A neighbor had notice water pouring from the balcony above our unit and reported it.  No one lives up there, but apparently, the previous occupants had covered the the overflow drain for the water heater.  The water heater had burst, and the water had saturated the upstairs and was moving through the floor, our ceiling, as gravity intended.

The situation was quickly sized up and before long, sections of drywall were being cut from our ceiling.  Extractors were used to remove the water on the floor, and then the carpet was removed.  I've attached a link to a slide show of pictures of our torn up place.  They have since removed more drywall and pulled our water heater.

So began a struggle with the apartment management as to what we were to do while all this was being fixed.  At first, they were totally uncooperative as far as paying for our hotel or providing any suggestions as to how we were supposed to vacate the place as instructed.

Slowly, their attitude changed as Cameron moved further up the management ladder.  It's taken 2 days of arguing and frustration, but they are finally going to pay for the hotel stay until tomorrow, and then will put us up in another apartment for the remainder of the time.  The workers are anticipating that it will be at least until Tuesday or Wednesday before we can move back in.  I would just have them move us entirely to the other apartment, except that it is smaller and would be a little crowded for Cameron and I to share the 2nd bedroom office, especially with all the keyboards and recording equipment.

So, it has been a frustrating last couple of days.  On the flip side, I started my part-time job on Monday.  Thankfully, they have been incredibly understanding about my situation and given me flexibility in regards to my hours.  I am working at a mall kiosk, The Piercing Pagoda, which is sort of a pain, but the pay is OK and will provide us with the financial cushion we have been lacking.  I do like talking with new people and the products are pretty.  I will be learning how to pierce ears on Friday, which should be interesting.  I'll probably have more holes in my own, in time, who knows?

The "kids" of our household have not been very happy about all of this upset of their surroundings.  It has been very stressful, and will continue to be so, until they are back in their normal home.  JarJar, especially, has a hard time with it.  He's kind of the strong silent type, who ponders his own reflection in the mirror and sulks terribly when he feels things aren't the way they should be.

Us humans are doing our best to hang in there while all this is going on.  We had only been in the apartment for about 5 weeks and then all this hits us.  This is, of course, after spending 2 weeks in hotels looking for an apartment and then for all the checking they do to be processed, etc.  Ah, this, too, will be another thing we will laugh at in the coming years (right...) I guess, so as this little adventure continues we will keep you posted.

Finally, A Place to Call Home

There's still a fare amount of boxes stacked around, with contents waiting for their final destination, but we are home, now. Santa Fe is a gorgeous town, with friendly people and promise for a great future.

Cameron is settling into his job and likes the people he works with. It's a positive environment to be in, though it's often exhausting. Adjusting to the pace of a "real" shop, as opposed to the school setting, has been challenging, but he's getting the hang of it and has been praised for his work. They seem to be very happy with their choice for a new technician.

I'm looking for a part-time job and taking some business classes. New Mexico has tons of support available for small businesses and so I thought I'd look into what is available. The classes I'm taking are free and offered by a non-profit organization that provides support and counseling for anyone interested in starting their own business. They are general in nature, such as creating a business plan, handling finances, state and local laws and tax information, etc. It's very interesting. Held 2 times a week for 2 hours, my head is usually spinning by the time I leave the building. They pack a lot of information into those 2 hours.

The weekend before last, we took a ride to Las Vegas (New Mexico, that is). We had intended to go elsewhere, but not really knowing our new surroundings, yet, sent us off to the hometown of the Rough Riders (Roosevelt's). We spent a little time there, had lunch at a popular local restaurant, and headed back home. We'll revisit later, when we can spend more time really looking about the historical downtown area. I just wasn't up to spending the day walking around (knees, again) as the original ride was only going to take us a couple of hours and this one was a bit longer.

Last week, we went on a ride around town to explore. We like to play "Where does this road go?" and often wind up in unusual places. This time we found Hyde Park. It's a very pretty ride that took us about 3000 feet above Santa Fe. It was the perfect day for such a ride, too.


Here's a slideshow of pictures from all of this:

Click here to view!

Waiting...Waiting...and WAITING...(OOPS! I thought I posted this already)

We've been in Santa Fe for 10 days, now, and are still in a hotel. I'm anticipating hearing from the leasing agent at our proposed residence later today or tomorrow, but the wait has taken a huge tole on our finances. We started out in one hotel, but had to move to a cheaper one when we realized we would be extending this living situation longer than the expected 4 days. It didn't help that we ran into a holiday weekend, including a local festival that ran all weekend.

I didn't want to get tied into an apartment on a sight-unseen basis this time. Our last move was done that way and wound up being on the edge of a ghetto area and in a complex falling apart as fast as they could try to renovate it.

Well, with very shaky credit, and making just over the limit for most of the complexes in town (the majority are low income based housing via a state program), we have run into a lot of problems getting into a place. Thanks to my parents' assistance, it looks like we may have a home by the end of the week.

Our furry family has been weathering the ordeal as best as they can. The 12 hour ride in the U-haul truck was assisted with anti-anxiety medication, so once they settled in, they pretty much hung out in the middle seat. Once they got used to one hotel, we moved to the other, and then we will be moving to our final destination. It's been hard on them. JarJar is especially sensitive to changes so requires frequent reassurance.

We'll all be happy to finally be settled into our new home.

Santa Fe is an interesting town to get to know. Few streets are straight and none run on the usual north/south, east/west pattern. Because of the dominant Pueblo-style architecture, even chain stores look different and have been a little harder to locate than expected. It gives the area a nice charm, especially when the tallest building is 5 stories high. Greenery is abundant and hides many of the businesses along major streets. Some of the streets downtown are barely wide enough to drive a car on. I was told that they were originally mule trails, that were later paved, some are only gravel.

I'll post some pictures once we're settled. The apartment complex we're getting into is very nice and is affordable due to some great specials that are going on. Rent is $300 cheaper for a 1 year lease

Hanging Out in the Margin

Today was my last day at work and Cameron's graduation from MMI.

We are at the end of a year of turmoil and intense anxiety. It was punctuated with frustrations over how we were going to survive the year-long trek to the point we now find ourselves at. Tears, anger, sadness, and those wonderful interludes of laughter, identified the road we were traveling. No signs needed, we were in it for the long haul and new exactly what our destination was. Unfortunately, we had no idea what was in store for us along the way.

Tomorrow is another long day to finish packing. We've only done a little here and there during the week. Fatigue, from all the effort put into getting to the finish line, left us drained and with little drive to put more energy into anything. So, here we sit, with boxes all around us and our livingroom feeling smaller and more confining each day.

It's funny about the boxes. Allie, our resident girly-girl cat, has been taking great glee in toppling empty boxes. Her efforts wall off sections of the room from our dog, Tuesday, who has little room left to fetch her toys. Are these antics intentional or convenient accidents? She seems little bothered by the adjustments to her surroundings as she casually assumes her usual position (sprawled out on her back with her legs splayed to the sides) on the tile floor of our entry.

JarJar, on the other hand, is very disturbed by the whole moving thing. He is known to ponder the wonders of his universe while gazing at the world through reflections in the bathroom mirror. Lately, he has been brooding over the chaos that used to be his livingroom, from the tall counter that overlooks the kitchen and the mess below. His posture is sullen and he sits there like a gargoyle looking out from some ancient stone structure.

Our move will be to Santa Fe, not Albuquerque, as we had originally planned. We decided it would be better to live near the location that he will spend most of the year at. Even though rent is higher there, the reduced wear and tear on his bike will make up for it. We don't have a place to live, yet. We will be staying at a La Quinta Inn for a few days while we scout out the area and view several prospective locations. Our move to Phoenix, sight unseen, was more than enough to convince us not to try that again. (Apartments look much better in the 10 year old pictures displayed in their ads, than they do in real life.)

As I learn more about Santa Fe, it is looking like it will be a good fit for us. There is a lot of culture and abundant opportunities to really get to know the community. I am, also, looking forward to true seasons. Sitting at almost 7,000 feet, Santa Fe receives several inches at a time of snow in the winter, the summers are briefly in the 90's, the spring brings abundant blossoms and the fall is crisp in anticipation of the first snow. A nice change from the 2 season climate of Phoenix.

Ah, the day's activities are finally catching up with me and tomorrow is a very busy day. So, it's off to bed and, if the neighbor's dogs stop barking for more than 20 minutes, hopefully a restful night's sleep.

I Can See Clearly Now.....

Aaahhh...I'm back on 4 wheels again, and with a fresh, new, windshield. I found a fantastic auto glass company owned by a 26 year old guy who seems to have good fortune smiling on him. He even shares it, too.

I stood outside with him while he did the replacement and seemed to enjoy my questions as to the techniques used. I told him a little about what has been going on the past year and how we've pretty much just been hunkering down till the school part was over. He said he had been swindled in the past, as well.

When it was time to pay the bill, he told me the amount would be adjusted on the computer at the shop. I didn't understand what he was talking about until I saw the amount. He had cut it in half. I asked him why, and he said Cameron and I should go out to dinner. He was only charging me for materials. When I told him he didn't need to do that, he said he was the owner of the company and he could do what ever he wanted to do. Wow. I took several cards to share with co-workers and thanked him profusely.

Not long after the work was done and the generous repairman was on his way to spend the afternoon with his girlfriend on the lake, Cameron called. He only had a minute, but he had made it to Santa Fe and the interview was going well. I gave him a brief explanation about the windshield and he said he'd call me later.

So, I was off to the car wash to vacuum out the remaining glass and scrub off two weeks of muddied dirt from my car. I decided to make the long overdue trip to the grocery store, as well. It was amazing looking out on the road through that clean, clear glass. The previous windshield was badly pitted and had a crack running vertically on the driver's side. It was like finally getting glasses and actually seeing the details of your surroundings that you had been missing.

As to this past week, Cameron did well in his class, despite his misgivings about his abilities. Faith in one's self is so hard to come by sometimes. It seems so much easier to have faith in others, and support their endeavors, than to look inside and find the grand person hiding within.

Being Taken and Moving Forward

The mechanic who worked on my car last month seemed OK. A bit of a workaholic who seemed to thrive on rushing around from job to job. He was a "friend of Bill's" so they are usually alright. He fixed my car just fine and didn't charge and arm and a leg.

Well, last week I parked my car under a eucalyptus tree in the parking area of our apartment and a branch fell on it. It went right through the front windshield. Wonderful! I had just gotten back behind the wheel, and now I am back to busing it again.

We managed to scrape together some funds to get it fixed by the same guy who had fixed it before. He said he had quite a bit of experience with replacing windows/windshields, and his price was within reason. He came by Friday to take a look at the damage and we paid him so he could pick up the windshield. I know, we should not have paid him until after the repair, but he was very quick and reasonable before.

That was before. We spent our weekend waiting around for him as he called to tell us that it would be a little longer before he made it to our place. Then it was the next day he'd be over. Then his "new" phone number was disconnected. We left messages at his previous number, even texted him. No calls had been returned. He was gone.

The internet is a wonderful thing. I've been searching for him and found a new number for a shop with a general location indicated. I only have his first name, but when Cameron called the number, it was his voice on the other end. He denied being the Ron who had worked on my car, but we know it was him. We will get our money back, or at least make him terribly paranoid.

Other news? Well, it's looking more and more like we may be moving to Santa Fe, NM. Cameron had a phone interview last week and the manager wants to see him this coming weekend. He's even footing the hotel bill. I'll keep you posted as this progresses.

As the end of his classes is drawing nearer for him, Cameron is pushed even harder. It's a stressful point in his training as his skills are tested to perfection and there is so little time to complete tasks. He's doing well, though, despite the pressure. His grades are great and he's putting his all into it.

At the end of the day he's wiped out and a little withdrawn. Unwinding from the intensity that he had maintained for the previous 5 hours, is his main goal. It's sometimes frustrating as I would love to talk about things that are going on, but I know he just needs quiet to let his mind and body recover. It's only a little while longer. He will be finished with this 3 week round of testing on Friday, and will begin a new segment on electrical. That should be more enjoyable as he seems to have a knack for it.

I guess it's 25 days and counting. We've almost made it.

As a Numbness Settles Over the Desert

It was terribly anti-climactic. The ecstatic feelings from the night before, bled into a gray haze as day after day he returned home in a state of turmoil from the day's efforts. Pain, frustration, and anger greeted me each time he walked through the door and threw down his gear.

Is there a haze in his focus and determination? It's now dampened.  The spark of excitement, that only weeks before surrounded him, is dim and tired. I gather the strength of years ago and maintain the rock I once provided to him, as he healed from injuries that were deep inside him.

Has the weight of understanding the two-wheeled beasts taken away his love of the creatures? The healing power of "The Ride" evades him, even now, as he mounts his steed to be whisked off to the world of Technicians and Teachers.

Perhaps a gathering of like minds would help to heal his soul, as they talk of past journeys and conquests of the open road; each one igniting a small flame and extinguishing the darkness.

Is That Light Up Ahead?

When things are at their darkest, it is comforting to know that we have caring and generous family that seems to come along with a light bulb, just in the nick of time. I have been stumbling around in the dark so much that the light that was provided brought tears to my eyes. I am so grateful for their kindness.

It's easier to carry a burden when you can see where you are going. The path is smoother, you can see the ceiling of the tunnel so you don't bump your head; mine has gotten quite lumpy lately. And the beautiful light up ahead is amazing. So, we move forward with a straighter stance and some confidence in our steps and look forward to seeing what the world is like at the end of the tunnel.

Hopes Dashed and Uncertain Future

I've been trying to figure out how we can manage to make it to the next part of our journey. We barely tread water to maintain an existence for the past 10 months and now are on the brink of completing the first leg. We have been basically camping out in our apartment, foregoing eating out and having much in the way of furniture or other niceties. It's been very difficult emotionally and now the end is in sight.

But with only 6 weeks to go, I can't see past the end of his classes. There is no light at the end of this tunnel, only darkness. To be employed as a mechanic, he must have his own tools, and they must be of professional quality. To be employed, we must go to where the work is, but there is no way to get there, not to mention no way to find housing without the funds for the deposit and first month's rent. We have no moving fund, no savings, no safety net to catch us when we fall. That has been exhausted trying to survive the first 7 months when I wasn't able to find any work other than a part-time cashier job.

We're so close and yet miles away. I contacted the financial aid office at his school to see if there are any funds left over from his student loans that might be able to help us. But they told me there was nothing available. They recommended another type of student loan that we would have to pursue with an outside organization, but it is credit-based and so unattainable. We have had no extra money available to pay for anything other than rent, food, and utilities, and so creditors have rated us poorly.

It appears that we will be left to find work in Phoenix after he graduates. I can probably stay with my current job, though my position is considered temporary, but we don't know if there will be any openings at the local BMW motorcycle dealer. It feels like this whole year has been for nothing. All the work and sacrifices were just pipe dreams and now we are left to wallow in the muck left behind in our pursuit of a new beginning.

Why does this happen? It looked like this was the direction we were intended to go, but now it seems like some big sick joke. Couldn't we have at least been left in a place with a better climate? The heat just eats away at my energy and since we don't turn the air conditioner on much, the apartment is often on the stuffy side.

OK, I am grateful for my job, for without it we wouldn't have gotten this far. The insurance has been a huge help. We do have a roof over our heads, regardless of the questionable surroundings, we are not out on the street. Perhaps this will lead us somewhere else, but what of all the intense training Cameron has endured? What was that for? Again, I fail to see the humor in this. I feel more fear and sadness than anything. A more anti-climactic ending than expected, like the music crescendoed and suddenly stopped; and there is dead silence.

When Tired, Temptations & Distractions Are Most Appealing

As we draw closer to the end of our current journey, we are finding ourselves more and more tired of towing the line. Exhaustion and months of frustration thrown in our paths creates a strong desire to give up, even though we are almost done.

It's strange how little things that used to easily sideline us in the early throws of this trek into the unknown, have become so large. The desires for more enjoyment and fun have been held at bay during the struggles to avail, but now they taunt us and dare us to veer off course and into the abiss.

We have been existing for the past 10 months, hunkering down behind a financial wall that is demolished, one brick at a time. Now, with very little left of our wall, we are fearful of what we cannot protect ourselves from. How will we make it to the next phase of our adventure and will we survive it?

There are 8 more weeks before graduation. 8 weeks to purchase a tool box and tools. 8 weeks to gather first and last month's rent for our new home, as well as moving expenses. 8 weeks until our lives get turned upside down again, of course for the better, but never the less dismantled and reconstructed.

I am told that over the next several weeks, there will be plenty of overtime opportunities where I work. What that means exactly, is yet to be seen. I got in 6 hours last week. I am hoping that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I think we can find a decent tool box on Craig's List for a reasonable price. Used will do to get started. Soon he will be called to the placement office to begin working on a resume and to find out where the openings are. They start doing it between 6-9 weeks of graduation. Once we have a better idea as to where we will be moving to, it will be easier to form a tangible plan. Until then, bouts of panic strike at ill timed moments and anxiety is trapped in our dreams.

Tag-Teaming and Sculpey

Cameron and I have a knack for mood swinging and self-flagellation. Fortunately, we are on opposite cycles. Meaning, most of the time we are on level ground with each other. But when one is down, the other is feeling pretty strong and able to help. We've done this from the start and it's worked out well for us. The last few days it's been my turn to be down.

It seems so simple. Everyone should know it and not need to be given permission, but I did. I've been beaten down in the past and the after-effects still linger and raise their ugly little heads now and then. So, Cameron told me that I had every bit as much right to be who I am, as everybody else does. That my place, here and now, was just as important and it was OK for me to take it.

It's funny how that can matter and the impact it can have for someone on the slippery slopes of feeling worthless. The dark clouds roll away and sun begins to rise.

That's what led me to get some Sculpey. It's a modeling clay that hardens when baked. I used to make things with it and the mere process of molding it in my hands was calming and bode of fanciful notions ahead. Yesterday I bought some. I haven't started making anything yet, but it feels good just to have it nearby in case the inspiration hits me. It speaks of whimsy and freeing thoughts, whispering to me as it sits on my desk. The box has been opened, but the magic is still inside.

Car's Back, But the Never-Ending Void Continues

I thought it would be good to get the car back from the mechanic so soon. I wouldn't have to depend on Cameron so much and would beat the summer heat of standing on a bus stop in the afternoon to go home.

It's just another phantom of progress and promise. I say phantom because it has slowly become a money pit for us. I regret not settling for the motorcycle I had available to me for transportation. The car has become a leach that sucks the hope for getting ahead out of our existence.

When we picked it up tonight, after dropping a total of $430 into this repair, we were informed that it would need another repair on the air conditioning in the very near future, lest the car seize up on me while I am driving it. We had to borrow some of the money to pay for this one. We put $350 into it not 3 months ago and more into it about 3 months before that.

The topic of this four-wheeled menace creates tension and guilt. It's not worth the ending results. I wish I could take it all back, or somehow make things right. Unfortunately, we're already into it too deep to turn back, and so it sits hungrily outside. Waiting for its next feast. Waiting to drain more life from our journey.

End of a Busy Weekend, But What Else is New?

Here I am. I'm a little dizzy and exhausted, depressed, but relieved.

Weird, huh?

Last week I had a CT scan done of my abdomen because I was still having some pain, but it felt different. Gee, guess what?! The stone is still there. My offered choices:

1. try a non-FDA approved approach by taking a medication meant to relieve symptoms in men with prostate problems that will hopefully expand the normally 6mm passageway, that the 8mm stone must pass through, to at least that diameter to achieve the desired effect. All the while consuming mass amounts of water to attempt to flush the thing out. It makes me feel tired and sometimes dizzy.
2. make an appointment with a urologist to have it removed by force utilizing any number of less than enticing methods.

I chose #1. Unfortunately, I haven't seen any sign of this invader of my kidneys. Pain-sharp to barely detectable-has annoyed me all weekend. In case it isn't already obvious, I'm so tired of all this. I would just go and have the darned thing removed, except for the ridiculously high deductible that my insurance company will want me to pay. I'm not sure how long I can take this medication as my doctor shared his experience as taking only 12 hours to work. I'll have to call his office tomorrow to get his take on all of this.

My car is still adorning a parking place that I can see from our livingroom window. I did contact a mechanic today who came and took a look at it. Let's see, he'll replace the steering column and part of the wiring harness. There may be additional damage, but he won't know until he gets in there and is able to really check things out. Still, he's charging reasonable rates and is certified, so I guess I will have transportation again in the next week or so.

Someone tried to steal Cameron's motorcycle last night. Thankfully, they had no idea what they were doing and only bent the ignition key opening and unplugged a wire or two. Cameron was able to bend the opening so he could get the key in to start the bike and no wiring was damaged, so that was a relief. Just what we would have needed, both vehicles out of commission!

I'm having troubles lately, feeling like I have no real control over my existence. I'm not talking philosophically, literally. I function as a cog to some means that seems to drop out of sight in front of me. I've been functioning at everyone else's schedules; my supervisor, the bus drivers', the stores', the traffic's, Cameron's school's-all just push me along. Even the 8mm rock inside me controls my actions.

Having the car back will help greatly. I dread needing to run errands or get to an appoinment. I either have to ask for a ride or navigate the bus system during increasingly hotter days. What should take an hour to do, takes several and I spend too much time in the sun, inhaling exhaust from passing cars. Thank goodness for sunscreen and inhalers.

My next task, after the dust has settled from all of this, will be to try to secure a sleep study. That, as well, is part of the deductible, but I don't feel that I can continue to function on the troubled nights' sleep that only brings fatigue in the morning. I can't remember the last time I woke up feeling rested. I think it was probably back in high school sometime.

I'm sorry for the down attitude of this post. I'm just tired of having to try so hard all the time. Even the bumpiest roads have smooth spots now and then, even places to stop in the shade to rest. I just need a little break, a chance to catch my breath, maybe even let my toes walk in some soft grass. That's all.

An Unwelcome Change

Cameron and I began on a motorcycle. On our first date, he took me up to Tehachapi for dinner. It was cold and exciting. We've logged thousands of miles on two wheels in the almost 4 years that we've been together. We have planned to ride to Alaska together, maybe even do a world ride.

Now, I fear it's all really just a dream.

About 7 years ago, I had this crazy idea to take ice skating lessons with my daughter; sort of a mother-daughter sort of thing. I've never been good at the sport and that continued to ring true during the lessons that followed. I took a bad fall on my knees (yes, I know you're not supposed to fall forward.) My doctor couldn't see anything broken on the x-rays so just prescribed some pain medication and ice packs for the bruising and swelling. Well, I'm stubborn. I went back on the ice a week later for another lesson. Unfortunately, I was really afraid of falling again and that fear played itself out in another fall. I was done with the skating idea. My knees healed, but occasionally bothered me.

Fast forward a few years and Cameron and I are out on a little mountain road, just off Angeles Crest Highway. It's amazing how fast a motorcycle can remove itself from under a rider. In an instant we were tossed on the pavement due to some sand on the road in a blind curve. I landed on my knees, again.

Well, apparently back in my ice skating days, I had successfully dislocated my knee caps. The doctor was only looking for breaks and both knees looked the same so he missed it. 2 years ago, the pain in my right knee became unbearable and it was surgically corrected, but the years of misalignment had created a hole in my cartilage. It acts up frequently and has shortened some of our more ambitious ride.

Now the left one is becoming increasingly painful. I can only handle short rides on the bike and I know that fact hurts Cameron. We ride. That's what we love to do and want to keep doing. I just can't manage it. Perhaps future surgery will correct my left knee, but my right has caused riding problems since the surgery to fix it. The doctor said it would never be the same.

That hurts. Last weekend, Cameron went on a long ride with a friend from school. It was OK, since there was no way I could manage such an endeavor, and I happily took care of some long overdue cleaning around the apartment. But still, I don't want it to always be like that. I love the adventure and just spending the day with him exploring places we've never been. It's not the same in a car.

What this boils down to is having patience. Patience to accept my current situation. Patience to wait for insurance that will cover the needed care. Patience to wait and see what the future holds. It can't be the end of our "gonzo" road trips and playing "where does this road go?" I know, patience.

Touch and Go: Faith in the Future

The last several days have been daunting at times. The push forward harder than imagined and, thus, my faith that things will work out in the end has been tried on more than one occasion. Tried, but it did prevail.

I've lamented in the past, about how "Customer Service Representative" seems to be less about service and more about commando practices used in getting off the phone as soon as possible. I have come to the conclusion that, since the company I work for is a private contractor for a larger organization, the actual "customer" is the organization/client that hires us to perform this service. They are the ones who liked my company's statistics regarding call times and number of calls handled. Thus, the callers are merely part of this grand statistical scheme.

You see, mid-week, I was called into an office by my supervisor and told that I was being put on an "improvement plan". This means that I have a month to bring my call time down to the mandated level on a consistent basis, and must show acceptable improvement along the way or I may be released from the company. Shape up or ship out.

I did some soul-searching and came to the above mentioned conclusion. It feels "dirty" to not inform callers of pitfalls ahead, or problems with their applications that will, no doubt, bite them later down the road. The name of the game is: only answer their questions and only examine their application closer if so noted in the "comments" part of the computer screen.

Well, the next day I cut my call time drastically by following those guidelines. They were given to me by my supervisor and fellow workers who have fantastic call times. I went home feeling both triumphant that I will be able to fulfill the expectations of my superiors, and, also, like I let the people down that called for my help.

That day, I was told by my ecstatic supervisor and manager, that my request for a shift change had been granted and I would be notified of my new hours next week. A reward for proving that I could tow the line? Who knows, but it will be nice to have hours that more closely fit Cameron's.

The next day, Saturday, I felt awful. The "kidney stone" pains are back, but different. They started back last weekend and have hung around on a more consistent basis, but milder. So, I called my doctor and left a message that I still need to take the test, that I had previously canceled, as the pain had returned. I'm getting really sick of this.

Today, I have been a little better, pain-wise, but overall yucky. We needed groceries so I headed out in the late afternoon while there was a little cloud cover, which made it nice out. I parked the car and started wandering the isles of the store. An announcement over the store's loudspeaker caught my attention, "Will the owner of a black Saturn please come to the front of the store?" At first, I thought, that can't be about my car, though someone might have bumped into it. OK, I'll check it out. At the front of the store, I was greeted by a man in a red vest, who's name tag indicated he was the manager.

He said it looked like my car had caught fire. Thick, black, smoke had begun pouring out from under the hood so they called the fire department. I went out to the parking lot and saw no smoke. A couple of young guys were out gathering carts and hanging around my car. They told me about the smoke, apparently it was enough that it lifted the hood a little. It smelled odd, kind of like burned plastic, with an electrical nuance to it. Great! Now what?!

While I was surveying the situation under the hood, a fire engine pulled up and guys in baggy pants strolled up to the car to offer assistance. Confident that there was no longer any danger, they disconnected the battery and made sure I had things worked out regarding getting home, then left. I didn't see anything that looked burned, but there was a lot of sooty, carbon-like, substance along the passenger side of the firewall, and on the underside of the hood.

Since we'll be relying on the motorcycle for a while, I made sure to stock up on groceries so the car would be utilized, regardless of its condition. Thanks to AAA, I got the car and groceries home. I need to see about getting some overtime hours in so I can start saving for repairs. With my new schedule, it should be easier to find opportunities for the extra time as it's usually offered during the hours I regularly work.

Only 3 more months. That's all we have to last here.

Cameron checked with the career center at school and found out that between 6-9 weeks before graduation is when students will start courting their potential employers. It is recommended that a few locations, not a huge number, be focused on. I've been looking at potential places to relocate, using a list of US dealerships that he was given.

Researching makes it more real. Sometimes, it's hard to look ahead and see success. That's where faith comes in. We've had our share of falling on our faces, then dusting ourselves off to continue on. We always come out of it, usually a little wiser for it. For us, it's the bumpy, muddy, road that we choose. The experiences along the way enrich us and provide insight that we may have never arrived at, should we have taken the easy path.

Update and Getting More Than I Expected

Ah, the kidney stone. Like many births, the time leading up to it was the hardest, and like a grown child, it left with little fanfare.

OK, that was a little corny, but it apparently left at some time since I have no more pain. I'm a little disappointed because I was really curious about what this small object looked like. Yes, it's a little gross, but I am fascinated by odd things.

----

A relationship relies on the partners being able to tag-team each other; to help the other out. When one stumbles and loses sight of the big picture, the other is there to offer a hand and be strong. It works both ways. It must.

We help each other grow, nourishing the new-found ideas and abilities. Ever vigilant of the bugs that may eat away at the buds. Teaching and sharing, holding together in safety. Dusting off the day to day grime that can gather on leaves.

He called me his angel shortly after we met. I was here to take care of him and strengthen him for what may lie ahead. Little did I know that he, too, was an angel. He's taught me about life and shown me who I am inside. He's nurtured my small sparks of life and they have grown stronger and taller.

We're together in this garden, with roots entwined, nourishing each other's soul and standing strong against the weeds that sometimes threaten our existance; even when water is scarce and we thirst for the coming rain.

On Giving Birth to a Kidney Stone

What is it with kidney stones? I always thought they were little round objects that passed through the system with little need for worry. Upon doing some research on WebMD.com, I found that they are not nice little round, easily passed, objects. Instead they are crystalline (meaning jagged) and painful when they get to be of much size.

For weeks, maybe a month or so, I've had discomfort and attributed it to any number of internal upsets we humans are prone to. Last week I found out that I am expecting an 8mm "bundle of joy". At least that's what it feels like.

As is usually the case, I have received stories from others about their experiences. "Wow, that's a big one!" The horrible pain, the frustration, the procedures and tests. Thank you for lifting my spirits!

The waiting and wondering, the pain as it moves about. Of course, it's too small to punch me in the side or do aerobics on my bladder, but it definitely has impacted my life, at this time. My doctor told me to expect delivery Saturday, as Friday evening I was in excruciating pain for several hours. False labor?

So, now it is Monday morning and still no sign of it. I continue the consumption of 3+ quarts of water daily and hope for a smooth delivery.

Customer Service?

Empathy. The American Heritage Dictionary defines it as:

NOUN:

1. Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives.

I, often too easily, feel others' feelings and sense their pain and frustration, happiness and triumphs. I guess my empathy dial is turned up just a little too high. It gets in the way of professional duties and adds to my emotional drainage. At the end of the day, I feel sucked dry.

It has come in handy in some of the professions I have pursued, counseling, working with at risk youth, sharing what I have to bolster them where they hurt. Helping them toward the end of the tunnel when no end seems possible.

My current job is helping people wade through paperwork to be able to receive assistance to go to college. The hope and fear I hear in "older" people going back to school, the frustration of the non-computer generation trying to cope with the demands of our ever-increasing paperless world that seems very hostile and confusing; I am cheerleader, computer tech., hand-holder, and listener. I bite my tongue while being berated by controlling fathers and irate teenagers.

Call times must be brief, but at the same time questions answered. I hear the relief in callers' voices when I walk them through a difficult section that other representatives refused to take the time to do. I've cheered with callers who finally made it through the last part of the process, and consoled those who have to begin again due to some mistake they made.

The question is how do I do my job to best of my ability, while still keeping the calls at the extreme briefest length? I feel guilty ending a call when I know the caller will be having to call back in 5 minutes because they are heading towards a difficult part to navigate, or are obviously lost beyond the one question they initially asked.

We are told to only answer their questions and move on. It's fine if they have to call back a dozen times and only fed small tidbits of information and cut off before they can recall another issue they are having. It changes the meaning of "customer service representative". Of course, as long as they are calling back, there will be a need for representatives, but at a cost to those we are serving.

So, each day I wage a battle with my desire to help the people I speak with and the monitor that times my calls. In the end I am exhausted. I give what I can, in encapsulated form, and move on; haunted by the fear, frustration, and insecurity in the voice of the person I just left hanging as I abruptly end the call.

All The Hours I Can Eat!

Wow, 61+ hour weeks! I never would have pictured myself working this kind of schedule; luckily, it's only for a couple of weeks. This is crunch time for students applying for $ aid and many states have Mar. 1st as their deadline. Thus, the extra hours to help all those people rushing to get their applications in in time.

So far, I really like my job. I see myself as, not only someone there to guide them through the process, but as a cheerleader of sorts, to keep their spirits up as they tackle the aid process. Lots of people get so worried and frustrated when it doesn't go right the first time, that they call us and we have to unwind them a litttle to get them to the point that we can get useful information out of them. I have fun with it and get them laughing.

My supervisor is great as well as those who work around me. I sometimes have trouble focusing on the caller when the hum of the room gets too loud. I don't know how many people are actively working on "the floor" at any given time, but there have been instances where it sounded like a giant beehive. Very odd sensation.

Last weekend we went to a motorcycle parts store to get a battery for the Suzuki. We met a guy there that does alot of work on his own bikes and has lived in Phoenix for a number of years. I asked him if he knew of any reputable car repair shops in Phoenix and he recommended one that I'm going to check out. I'm so tired of my car leaving puddles everywhere I park, not to mention having to refill the reservoirs of the leaking parts every other day. Perhaps they can give me some insight into the other things wrong with it.

I just realized that I haven't written for about 3 weeks. Almost that long ago, my car got broken into. They tried to steal it and must have been amateurs. They used a screw driver and drilled out my entire ignition switch. So, now I have this inch+ diameter conical hole where the ignition switch is supposed to be, thus I am hotwiring my car to start it. Cameron made a wire plug in arrangement for me under the dash so I can start it up pretty quickly. The main drawback is that I have to carry around a couple of ignition wires, as well as my keys to open the doors. Last weekend I locked my keys in the car because I hadn't put them all the way in my purse and they dropped on the seat on my way out. Thank goodness for AAA!

JarJar is doing well. I gave up on trying to keep their food separate, so switched to the prescription dry food a little earlier than was recommended, but now they can eat the same thing and it is out all the time. Apparently, he has been have some trouble with this for a long time. For as long as I have been his "mom", he has had cat box issues (refusing to pee in the box) and now he is readily using it. I wish I had been aware of this before, it would have saved us a lot of worry about the carpets in our rentals getting smelly.

Well, I have done about all the unwinding I can afford to do. I need to get to bed. Good Night!

Furry Feline Turns Household Upside Down

There's been a lot of change here, lately. The biggest being the start of my new job. Well, technically, I haven't started doing the actual job that I have been hire for. For the first 3 weeks I'm in training, getting my head stuffed with as much as anyone would ever care to know about the financial aid process, or at least, where to find it. This first week went well and each day I walked out of the building feeling like there must have been strands of information hanging out of my ears, or anywhere else in my head that they might find a hole to ooze out of.

Then there's coming home to our four-legged trio, Tuesday, Allie, and JarJar (yes, that's Binks). Since Monday, they have all been placed on a twice a day feeding regimine. Though that is probably better for them, it has created quite an adjustment for us humans. You see, last Friday JarJar wandered into the livingroom and attempted to pee on the carpet in front of us. He followed this with a planitiff MEOW that told us he was not in good shape.

Urinary blockages are not unknown to me, having dealt with it with a previous family kitty. I looked it up in my trusty "Taking Care of Your Cat" book to verify his symptoms and the flow chart on the page directed me to get him to the vet immediately. Thankfully, I wasn't working at Petsmart that day so it wasn't difficult for me to attend to our poor boy. It took calls to a couple of vets to find one that could see him TODAY.

So, over $1100 and 3 days later I brought him home. Actually, it wasn't exactly that easy. In addition to 2 medications to be given twice a day for the next week or so, there are dietary changes. For the cats, who are used to having a bowl of dry food out all the time, to nibble on throughout the day, it is a challenge.

JarJar has prescription canned food that he is supposed to eat, for at least a few weeks, then we can switch to the prescription dry food for both of them (of course it's a lot more expensive.) Allie could stand to lose some weight so the controlled feedings are probably good for her, but since we can't leave the regular dry food out for her, she is getting some canned food, as well. Just not the same kind. The main problem is that they have to be closely monitored when they eat because JarJar has decided that Allie's food smells much better than his does.

Now Tuesday, well, it is quite likely that JarJar's love of her food is what got him into this mess, to begin with. Thus, she can no longer have her daily ration of dry food left out for her to graze on throughout the day. In order to get her to eat a meal in one sitting, I am now mixing a little canned food in with her dry food. Works great.

One of the many reasons I like to feed everyone dry food is the lack of any major odor from it. Now that canned food is the rage in our household, it seems like all I can smell anymore is that awful canned food. I mean it's permeated my sinuses. At work I have passing awareness of that smell on several occassions throughout the day. Our kitchen is very small and separated from the livingroom by a small breakfast bar. It seems to cascade over the bar into that area. The fact that they are fed on the counters most likely doesn't help, but it's the only way to keep the dog out of their food and to easily monitor them. (One eats on the left side of the sink, the other the right.)

My morning starts at least a half hour earlier than it would have the previous week, in order to attend to the "starving" beasties that have been stripped of their ability to engage in late night snacking. When I come home, I am greeted by 3 eager faces, watching my every move to make sure I don't forget to feed them and loudly announcing their plight. I'm looking forward to the dry food switch. It comes out cheaper than the canned food and I can get back to an easier feeding routine. Tuesday will have to remain on the 2 meal plan, in order to keep JarJar from pilfering her meals.

It's amazing how such a small creature can have such a huge impact on our lives. Of course, anyone who shares their home to one, or more, will attest to both the positive and negative points to this sort of relationship. I know I will get used to the new situation and it is best for everyone (at least for the furry ones of the household). Perhaps that is the feline in me, uncomfortable with changes to my routines and the offering of strange-smelling food!

The Tide is Turning

Yesterday I went for a job interview with a company that contracts with the federal government to provide call center services for various programs. By the end of the day, I had a new job!

It pays $2.30 more an hour than Petsmart and is full-time, with company paid benefits. Finally, some benefits! We've been without for 9 month, so far, and it is an insecure place to be. I start on the 2nd. I'm going to keep a foot in the door at Petsmart, at least for a little while, by working for a few hours on Saturdays. My new job is Monday through Friday and I got to pick my shift. We'll see how all this goes in the coming weeks.

This has boosted moral here and given us some hope for the coming months. Between my new job and whatever Cameron finds for part time work, we should be able to make ends meet through August with what's left of our savings. Cameron will be done with classes near the end of August, so we will be moving to wherever our new home is, then. Most students have a job waiting for them by the time they graduate.

As far as everything else goes, we're doing OK. The 4-legged beasts are happy and well. I do wish we had a yard for them to play in. We have a doggy door in one of our sliding doors that lets them out to the balcony, but we have quite a lot of stuff out there so there's not much play room. Allie's often sprawled out on the floor, on her back, in a patch of sunshine from one of our living room windows. Tuesday hangs out in the closet or under the bed when we're not home. She gets so scared when she hears noises outside. (This complex is much noisier than the one we were in, in Albuquerque.) JarJar, well, he's JarJar. He usually naps on our bed or in some corner of the living room. (Often he sits by the sink in the bathroom and watches himself in the mirror.)

Cameron's been doing exceptionally well with his classes. I'm quite proud of his transformation from one who is afraid to change the oil on his bike (when I first met him almost 4 years ago) to being able to rebuild and trouble-shoot bikes. Very cool! I'm not sure how much longer he will be in the general motorcycle classes, before he moves into the BMW-specific classes, but that will be an interesting change. I'm looking forward to seeing his further growth in that area and enjoying his increased confidence in his abilities. More cool stuff.

As for me, I'm just taking care of business. Keeping the household intact and doing my best to help us stay afloat. The new job has taken an incredible weight off my shoulders and that is huge. I'm still searching for meaning, but my faith has increased. I don't have a clear sense of what that means, exactly, but I don't feel so alone these days.

Tonight I searched for a book that I was reminded about by someone close, but I couldn't find it. Instead I uncovered a couple of books that are interpretations of the Tao Te Ching; The Couple's Tao Te Ching, and The Sage's Tao Te Ching. They were purchased on 2 separate occasions from a little shop in Cambria, CA, during our many trips to the coast.

The first one, joined our lives a few weeks after Cameron and I had met. I used to randomly open the book daily and email the passage to him at work. So, I opened it to a page and found "A Field of Dreams":

You do not exist to fulfill each other's dreams,
but to show each other the place
where these hopes are born.
Do not impose your dreams upon each other.
You must each follow the images
that arise within your own hearts.
But you can create for each other an open field
where dreams can grow and flourish.
~
Do not try to "tweek" or modify
the dreams of your beloved.
These are deeply personal
and must be treated with great respect.
Giving help and encouragement to each other
in the following of dreams
is good and proper.
But the dreams themselves are sacred
and must be given great respect.

Another book I came across, "The Language of Positive Thinking", I did the same with it and found a passage about being free. Free of guilt, resentment, blame, fear, discouragement, and worry. It describes the search for this freedom as not for "timid souls. The road inside is cluttered with all sorts of baggage and illusions as well as erroneous beliefs that have come etched on your mind. Your key to freedom lies in your power to control your thoughts."

For me, this follows what I've embarked on, my search for spirituality, and it is also part of my search for my dreams. In the past I have denounced my dreams for the sake of pleasing others and found resentment and sadness. It got to the point where I couldn't find myself any more, let alone what my dreams were. By not respecting my own dreams and my own needs, I opened the door for others to do the same.

Thankfully, Cameron has always encouraged me to find myself and to be the best "me" that I can be. I guess I fell back into old habits and let myself fall by the wayside, getting lost somewhere along the road. Bit by bit I'm finding the stray pieces, like breadcrumbs along the path I've just come along. Retracing my steps, I hope to find where I wandered take a hard look at what was going on in my head at the time. Perhaps to avoid a similar mishap in the future.

Searching for Faith and Finding Meaning

Last night was a terrible night, riddled with insomnia, night sweats, and insistent bouts of restless leg syndrome. I have been fairly free of this level of discomfort for almost a year, so when it came on, I wasn't prepared. In the past, expensive medications were always available to ease me back to a comfort level that allowed me to drift back off to dreamy destinations. Not so last night, perhaps tonight, as well.

Today, I felt beat up and my legs weak. I called in to work to see if my schedule could be switched with someone else, my manager said he'd take care of it. (Yes, the same one I mentioned earlier.) So I spent a good portion of the day trying to figure out my spiritual quandary by reading "Sermon on the Mount".

It's not exactly the kind of book you do in one day, but I don't always find the time to read, especially something that might be "good for me". Digging into the difficult text brought me some enlightenment, and some frustration. At times I felt like I should have a dictionary handy in order to figure out what the author was trying to say, and that distracts me from the point that I am trying to understand. (If you write a book or story for the masses, it needs to be of a vocabulary level that the masses will understand. Throwing "scholarly" words throughout the pages only separates those who will actually get the point you are trying to make. OK, climbing off my soapbox, I'll continue...)

Needless to say, it has given me some things to think about. I then proceeded to begin reading "Man's Search for Meaning", that has been recommended to me. I have only gotten about half way through it, but it comes out of a different direction as a means to understand what I feel so lacking.

I lament about my losses and needs; hunger for a "better" life, in a nicer place. I have accepted my job, my apartment, my financial situation as a "lot" that I have drawn. I have lost focus of the things that make up my "home"; my husband, our 4-legged beasties, faith in knowing that we can handle whatever comes our way, as a family. I remember writing in my blog, when Cameron was in the hospital, that I had found considerably more strength than I thought I could possibly muster. I knew that I would not be given any more than I could handle. I'm doing my best to rally that faith that it will all work out in time, that the world will not end, and that through all of this, I will learn more about myself.

On Lost Faith and Finding the Road to Spirituality

It's been a tense and exhausting weekend. My manager at Petsmart is a jerk, plain and simple. He lacks people skills and doesn't seem to know about leading by example. It's made it difficult to put in the hours lately. I'm sending out resumes as fast as I can, but doing a physical follow-up is difficult until the car is fixed, which should be in the next couple of days.

As far as the car is concerned, one charge is getting me to and from work, barring any traffic snafus. One evening there was an accident and traffic slowed to a crawl for a couple of blocks. 4 blocks from home, the instrument panel dials stopped working and the lights dimmed. I crept it in the last block with very little power. I'll be happy to have a working alternator soon.

I guess it makes sense that as major issues clear up, other ones become apparent. I've been on edge a lot and I guess the whole thing came to a head last night, revealing a nasty case of PTSD. I had concerns about it almost a year ago, but was focusing on Cameron's well-being and all the stuff he was going through. I guess, now it's time to address my issues.

I have a lot of negativity raging inside me; mostly fear, loss, and anger. None of these things were allowed to be displayed during Cameron's lengthy healing process. At least that's what I thought would be best for him. Now it's exploding like some sort of nasty abscess and I'm trying to make sense of all the pieces.

Cameron and I used to talk about faith and spirituality. Not in a particular religious sense, but discussing various philosophies and how maintaining a positive energy flow was important to keeping positive things coming in our direction. He's voiced concerns about my lack of spiritual awareness these days. I have trouble finding hope and and find myself focusing on what is wrong with our situation, rather than what is right.

I think is was early in Cameron's recovery that my faith was finally snuffed out. Every day was a grind of fear and fatigue. Patience was put above all else, because that was what I needed most to get through each step back. So that was my mantra as I watched him try to do more than he should and as I took the verbal backlash as he swore against my concerns. I was in my own little hell sometimes and faith just wasn't to be found.

So, today we discussed my situation and how to remedy it, or at least to get me through it until we can get some professional assistance, after insurance. I need to find that positive self that I used to have. There are glimpses of it off and on, but to maintain it is difficult. Crying has become a frequent pasttime.

Meditation has been recommended, though I don't know how I can quiet the endless chatter inside my brain. I guess it's something learned. Cameron regularly reads Sermon on the Mount, by Emmet Fox, and has recommended that I try it. I guess it's all a start. I feel hesitant, though, perhaps even fearful of epening that part of me. I don't really know why, except that maybe the sad place I've been frequenting lately is so much easier to fall into.

Well, here goes...
Chapter 1...

Seeing Things for What They Are

Since making the move to Phoenix, I've had a hard time maintaining a positive attitude about our situation. It's been a daily ritual to remind myself of why we're here and of the light at the end of the tunnel. Slipping and falling into depressive slump is an on-going peril that I sometimes have difficulty navigating around.

It's been hard. Employment has been tricky, especially since so many local establishments are closed or closing, creating more people who are looking for work. I'm thankful for the hours I'm getting at Petsmart, but even they have been cut during the belt-tightening process that's so pervasive here. I continue to apply for better paying positions, but so far, that hasn't produced any positive results. The further insult of transportation difficulties only made things worse.

Perhaps that tide is beginning to change. Last week, Cameron applied some of his new-found knowledge to my car. He learned that electrical problems can mimic others. So, he checked the battery, it was a goner. After replacing it, he found that it wasn't being charged, the alternator is bad. Well, that's cheaper to replace than the transmission, so as soon as the repair manual that I ordered arrives, we'll get to work on replacing it. The transmission is still a little shaky, but hopefully, this will keep me on the road at least another six months. For now, we charge the battery every night so I can drive to work and back.

Another positive note, it looks like Cameron will be returning to his old job at Oreck, repairing vacuum cleaners. That will help counter the constant leak from what is left from our retirement funds. I still need to find something full-time, or at least part-time with better pay than I'm getting now, but every added dollar helps.

One of the things that has suffered during this time is the online magazine. I haven't had much interest in maintaining it or working on the podcast. I'm trying to change that, so this week I started sprucing it up here and there and clearing the dark mush from my brain. It's work, but it's something that I need to do to try to normalize things again.

My writing has suffered, as well. It felt like I had lost part of me when my laptop was stolen. I had poured so much emotion into the files, so much pain, that I thought I was done having to feel or remember. It was incredibly disheartening to realize it was gone and I would have to start over. I'm trying to work on it again. It's taking a different life this time, and perhaps it's for the better. My first work was raw and full of hurt, and maybe that needed to pass so I could attend to the real story. I guess we'll see what comes of it.

A very wise man, who was my mentor and supervisor during my stint as a social worker, kept emphasizing the importance of the "process" of going from point A to point B, both in the physical and intellectual/emotional aspects of a project or plan. I've said it before, that the path we choose, whether it's rocky or smooth, is all part of the adventure or journey that we embarked on early in life. To be able to see past the haze and the potholes, to what is beyond their entrapment, is important.

Well, I've washed my glasses and gotten most of the smudges off. Perhaps I'll be able to see better now.

Gifts from Strangers

Well, OK, I didn't exactly get back to this the next day. Actually, I've been nursing along a very personal gift from my seat mate during the majority of my ride home.

I didn't catch his name, but it doesn't really matter. He reminded me of Matthew Broderick, with his boyish face, but he was 30 and had made some decisions in his life that he wasn't all that proud of. Welcome to the club.

He was traveling from Vancouver, BC, to stay with his parents, in Tuscon, AZ, for a while. Since flights were snarled at the airports, he opted for the Greyhound bus in anticipation that it would be able to get him there quicker and with less hassle. Boy was he wrong!

I had heard about the weather conditions in Portland from the gentleman in line with me at the Bakersfield station. Well, it wasn't any better any where else in the area and so, my fellow traveler ended up staying the night there, waiting for the roads to clear.

Not wanting to spend the night at the station, he figured he could get a better night's rest at a local motel. Was he ever wrong. The place was infested with roaches (he said he was afraid to turn the light off) and the other guests were very loud, thus, he got little sleep. This detour, also, cost him the majority of his US funds. In hindsight, he new it had been foolish to not have converted more cash to US dollars, but hindsight doesn't get you very far when you have several more days ahead of you to travel.

Thankfully, he met many generous people along the way who helped him out. One gentleman actually tried to drive him to a bank so he could exchange more money, but the banks weren't open. They left him back at the station with a bag of assorted candy that they had recently purchased, and wishes for better fortune. Others bought him meals at stops along the way, or just gave him some cash.

He was overwhelmed at the friendliness of strangers, as people in the US have a poor reputation, among Canadians, as being less than good samaritans.

All in all, his trip had taken him a total of 5 long days. He missed Christmas with his family, the initial reason for his travels, and spent it on a bus full of strangers, came down with a nasty virus 2 days into his trip (that's what he shared with me), and had very little sleep. But, he came away with a better understanding of human nature, and of himself, with new plans for his future. (He had a lot of time to ponder this during his adventure.) We talked about him writing about his travels and the people he met. It's something he hadn't done before, but so was the bus ride.

We parted at the Phoenix station, with a hug and best wishes for both of us.

These strangers, who gave me glimpses into their lives, and the helpful ones who guided me on my journey, especially the man with the 4 kids who sat behind me on the first leg of my travels and translated the announcements for me (they were made in Spanish as all but 3 of us on the bus were hispanic), left me with a piece of them to take with me. I have no names, only faces, but they are embedded in my memory, right along with the holiday visit with my family.